Overcoming self-harm

What causes self-harming behaviour? What counts as ‘self-harm’, and how can we manage it? This is something we ask ourselves if we know a loved one who self-harms or if it is something we experience or have experienced for ourselves.

Usually, self-harming behaviour arises from feelings of extreme emotional pain, and so on the surface it may not make sense why a person would cause themselves more suffering, yet if we explore what may be causing this pain to arise in the first place, a clearer picture may begin to form. 

Many of my clients who have self-harmed tell me it is when they are feeling particularly depressed or low in mood. Their thoughts can become very dark and so they reach for ways to harm themselves physically as a way to distract themselves from their minds. The momentary physical sensation can therefore provide a release, as their attention is drawn away from the mind and into the body. It is a crude mechanism, but it ‘works’, as at least for a while, the mental torment subsides. 

It is a tragic reality of the power of the depressed mind that such drastic measures are resorted to in order to shut it out. Of course at the very extreme end there is suicide, where the voices in one’s head and the emotional anguish is so extreme death can feel like the only way out. 

It may be difficult for relatives or even healthcare professionals to understand, but the negative thoughts can be so extreme that sometimes a person feels drawn to any means necessary to distract themselves. As the voices in their head are usually telling them they are no good, worthless, or do not deserve to be happy or well, it is not too difficult to treat themselves in this way physically as well. 

Getting help

If a person is self-harming it is vital that they seek professional help. Once this ‘vicious cycle’ begins, it can take time to break it, and this can only be done with the support of a trusted other. The person will need to slowly work on their negative thoughts, coming to reframe their view of themselves as someone worthy of care and attention, and the therapist may also work with them on ways to quieten their mind so they are not placed by distracting thoughts at all. 

That the mind can be powerful and these negative (and always untrue) thoughts we may have about ourselves can feel ‘real’ enough to drive us to self-harm is tragic. Yet so many of us have absorbed negative (and false) messages about ourselves from our external environment, we have lost touch with our authentic, natural and healthy selves underneath this. 

How therapy can help

Therapy can be a process of gently reversing the conditioning of a person’s mind so they may feel more connected and in touch with themselves. With their improved confidence will also come better self-care habits, such as going for a walk or calling a friend when negative thoughts begin to arise.

Over time it can be possible to gain more control over the ‘voice in the head’, and change the way we speak to ourselves. As a result, we treat ourselves with care and compassion, and some of the shame and desperation for release that leads to self-harming behaviour will lessen. 

Self-harming is a coping mechanism for a very unhealthy mind. With therapy, perhaps some mindfulness exercises, positive self-care habits and self-esteem building, it can be very possible to overcome.