Overcoming people-pleasing: Tips from a therapist

In my recent article, "The mind-body connection: Crohn’s recovery with therapy," I shared my health journey and the growing body of scientific evidence that highlights the intricate link between our mental and physical well-being.

Chronic stress and trauma can significantly impact both, despite society’s tendency to separate them. There’s a lot to explore here, but today, I want to focus on overcoming a particular behaviour often rooted in trauma with far-reaching mental and physical consequences: People-pleasing.

What is people-pleasing?

People-pleasing is the tendency to prioritise others’ needs over our own. While this desire to please can foster community and connection, it becomes problematic when we consistently neglect our own well-being for the comfort of others. This behaviour can lead to serious consequences for both our mental and physical health.

When we please others at our own expense, we abandon ourselves in a myriad of ways. This might look like skipping rest, neglecting our needs in relationships or at work, or feeling unable to express our thoughts and feelings independently of others’ judgments. People-pleasing can lead to a lack of boundaries, making it hard to say no — even when doing so is necessary for our safety or well-being. It can come with a number of symptoms and coping mechanisms such as: 

• hypervigilance 
• mental rehearsing 
• anxiety and panic attacks 
• suppression and extreme self-control 
• low self-worth
• comparison and competition 
• overworking 
• body tension
• headaches
• reoccurring physical illness 

And in more extreme cases addiction, serious mental health disorders and/or disease. It can foster codependency and increase vulnerability to abuse, especially among young people as it greatly impacts the ability to manage consent. 

It's essential to recognise that people-pleasing stems from an urge to connect rather than defining who we are, it's not an identity. While overcoming this habit can be challenging, it is entirely possible through self-reflection, intentional action and effective therapy. This journey was a crucial part of my own recovery from an autoimmune disease.

Understanding the “Why”

The first step in healing from people-pleasing is understanding why we engage in this behaviour. Recognising the motivations behind our actions can help remove feelings of shame and prevent over-identifying with the problem. Throughout my training and years of practice, I’ve been reminded time and time again that every dysfunctional thought or behaviour once had a function. So let's explore the function of this phenomenon. 

Humans are inherently social creatures. As infants, we rely on our caregivers to meet our needs more than almost all other mammals, with a prolonged period of dependency as we grow and develop. This dependency means we must maintain worthiness in the eyes of our caregivers to ensure our survival. As we grow, we internalise messages about ourselves and others through our early interactions which form our core beliefs. 

Children instinctively seek to solve attachment injuries (issues with connection to their caregivers) for their own survival. While some lucky children find their needs met consistently most of the time, others learn they must shout louder, go silent, or navigate inconsistent parenting. These could be noted as our first people-pleasing tendencies! Prolonged difficulties with connection and getting our needs met can lead to relational trauma. 

If caregivers are emotionally unavailable, over-reactive or stressed, children usually internalise the meaning of that emotional disconnection due to their developmental narcissism - they don’t yet have the capacity to understand the context of their caregivers’ behaviours. This leads to a sense of guilt which is what we feel when we feel bad about something we DID. This, if felt long term, can morph into Shame, which is what we feel when we feel bad about who we ARE. It's hard to overcome shame, because when trauma is relational, then relationships themselves are triggering and we feel alone in the world. 

Another contributing factor is when our difficult childhood emotions are taken personally by our parents. Our feelings (seemingly inconvenient or unjust) may be treated as character flaws or ‘naughty behaviour’ rather than the natural responses of a developing brain and body. 

We are often conditioned to control our emotions, compare ourselves with others and compete rather than tuning into our bodies and learning autonomy and self-trust. Even parents who fully understand the impact of childhood conditioning can struggle with overwhelm or difficult circumstances outside of their control which can impact their capacity to nurture and offer emotional safety. 

Learning to appease caregivers for a sense of connection (safety) can have lasting effects. When children are conditioned to suppress emotions rather than explore them, it leads to a disconnection from their true selves, often lasting into adulthood. While a child may appear healthy and compliant on the surface, internally, they might be experiencing chronic stress, leading to early signs of health issues.

In summary, the narratives we get from our earliest relationships form our ideas about ourselves. If we feel lacking then, we feel lacking now. Our consumerism and individualism-based society feeds into and profits off of these insecurities, affirming our unworthiness and need to please others. 

We can address this by ‘doing the work.’

Steps to recovery

1. Emotional processing and acceptance

Healing begins with feeling - it's cheesy but it's true. When we’ve been disconnected from ourselves for a long time, we may have a backlog of emotions to process. Taking time in therapy to explore past experiences with gentle curiosity and compassion enables us to bring hidden parts of ourselves into the light. Remember this is not a mission to “fix’ you, rather it’s to unburden you of the need to abandon yourself, and this process can induce emotional pain and discomfort which is normal.

We often liken this emotional processing and reconnection to opening that cupboard/drawer in the house that's full to the brim of stuff. You don't want to open it in case everything falls out, it's overwhelming and messy. Yet if we open it and take things out bit by bit we can reorganise, get rid of what we don't need, and not have to fear it in future. 

Taking up space in a session may feel difficult at first, but your therapist should be able to hold a safe space for you to gently grow into as the weeks go by. Be aware, that a sense of worthiness may come with pain - when we accept our inherent worthiness we may be faced with emotions around things that happened to us that we did not deserve. This is part of the process. 

2. Developing curiosity

As therapy progresses, you may start to notice your mind and body’s signals in real-time. With this awareness, you can learn to identify resistance and tune into your body's natural navigation system. Curiosity about your thoughts and feelings allows for compassionate self-guidance, moving from reactive behaviours to intentional actions.

You may also learn to be more curious about other people's contexts rather than taking their emotions or behaviour as a reflection of you. Remember everyone is carrying their own ‘stuff’ and has their own unique perspective on the world as a result of their own experiences. More often than not they are responding to their own expectations and biases rather than you directly. Not everything is personal. In fact, it rarely is.

3. Externalising - naming your parts

You may want to consider naming the part of you that feels the urge to please others. I once had a client who called it “Mr. Guilt.” This approach can help you understand that these feelings don’t define you, this is merely a part of you that is trying to protect you (albeit with some slightly outdated logic!). By acknowledging and listening to this part, you can prevent it from taking control of your decisions.

If you offer it a seat at the table, it won't need to wreak havoc inside to get your attention. Offering it compassion can help you reassure it that it’s safe to consider your own needs, even when that's scary. You can also discover other parts that have something else to say and that's great - you’re getting a better understanding of yourself and making the subconscious conscious so that you can instigate change. 

4. Unhooking from relational patterns

It can be helpful to recognise that your people-pleasing behaviour often feeds into core beliefs about yourself. If you’re always giving too much, you’ll attract those who take too much. It might be difficult to re-order or break away from these relationships, but it’s essential for your well-being. Embrace the possibility that you might lose people who can’t respect your needs, and focus on developing a sense of responsibility (response-ability) for your own needs. This process of learning and unlearning won't be perfect, but take it one day at a time. We can only consciously change one decision and one interaction at a time and minor setbacks are inevitable. Don't give up. 

It can also be helpful to understand the impact your people-pleasing has on the people in your life. You may assume that always facilitating others’ needs and being a social chameleon is helping everyone around you. However, when you don't have the ability to advocate for yourself you are giving other people the responsibility to make decisions for you, which can be an emotional burden, especially if you are keeping your needs and wants hidden.

It's difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is hiding their true self, and it can feel heavy to have to guess what that person needs. It can feel selfish being in a relationship with a people pleaser and although you may hide your needs, resentment can be sensed. It can also prevent people from being honest with you as they know any difficult feelings they have will be taken personally, ultimately resulting in there being little to no possibility for authentic communication and connection. 

Unhooking from relational patterns and letting go of what doesn't serve you can be difficult and triggering, but with support, it can be life-changing. You can begin to foster and encourage secure attachments, ultimately finding your tribe and feeling more safe, secure and connected. 

5. Regulation before action

Part of healing is understanding that we cannot do it all in the mind. We must learn to ‘strike while the iron is cold.’ This means when we notice an urge to please we must first learn to self-soothe - validate, express and move through our emotions BEFORE deciding on a course of action. Once our nervous system is calmed, we may then be resilient enough to take a different course of action. One based on our current values and needs rather than old relational traumas. 

Having a values and needs-based action plan can be incredibly helpful and is something a therapist can help you with. I find this particularly helpful for those people-pleasing individuals who are neurodivergent (such as myself!) which adds a little extra complexity and potentially an element of unmasking to the healing process. This plan can be grounding and increase self-trust, even at times when you may have more sensory or mind activity than a neurotypical person may have to go on. 

When you typically haven't felt safe to express your needs or show up fully it's a learning process to begin to allow yourself and your needs to be seen. This process can feel vulnerable and somewhat clunky, but give yourself time, you're learning as you go and change is hard, especially at the start.

6. Boundary setting and implementation

Once you’ve gained clarity on your needs and values, it’s time to establish some boundaries. Contrary to popular belief, boundaries aren’t about controlling how others behave; they’re about how we respond to that behaviour. For instance, imagine a family member makes a hurtful comment during a family gathering that leaves you feeling upset. It’s important to address this directly by calmly expressing how their words affected you, allowing them the opportunity to understand your perspective and share their own. This open dialogue can lead to a better understanding between you both. However, if they continue to make similar comments after your conversation, it’s time to set a clear boundary. You might say something like, “If you keep speaking to me that way, I’ll need to take a step back from our conversations.”

It’s essential to remember that setting boundaries is a personal process and can vary greatly from one individual to another. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or even time-related, and they should be tailored to fit your unique needs and circumstances. It’s helpful to communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, while also being open to feedback and discussion. Boundaries are not meant to be rigid walls; rather, they are flexible guidelines that can evolve as relationships grow and change. Lastly, practising self-compassion is crucial—recognise that it’s okay to make mistakes along the way and that learning to set boundaries is a journey that takes time and patience.

7. Grieving the past

Grief is a natural part of healing. Letting go of the hope for better relationships with those who can’t meet your needs is significant, especially when it involves family. 

What isn't talked about enough is also the grief for the time and potential opportunities lost before healing. When you begin to experience the freedom to show up fully, to love and respect yourself and to make conscious, healthy choices, you may be faced with feeling remorse about the years you spent centring everyone else. It's normal to feel grief and sadness for the past versions of yourself who didn't know better. It's also ok to grieve for the version of you who wanted to make everyone happy all the time. You can still be a kind, compassionate and loving person with your newfound self-worth and way of living. However, grief and joy are not mutually exclusive and both are a part of the tapestry of healing.

The work begins

I hope this article instils hope that overcoming people-pleasing is achievable, just like any other behaviour that once served a purpose but has become dysfunctional. 

At our core, we all share universal needs, and change isn’t about shaming ourselves; it’s about loving ourselves into evolution! Embarking on this journey for me has led to unimaginable life changes. I have reclaimed my health, my identity and my capacity for self-love and joy as have many of my clients! The steps in this article are a guide, but your unique experience of healing may not be so linear and may involve further complexity. A good therapist can help with that. 

I wish you the best in your trauma recovery - may it be life-changing and life-lengthening!