Navigating life without a supportive family

In this article, I want to explore what it can feel like to navigate life without a supportive family. Having a loving, supportive family who will always be there for you, whether you are fifteen or fifty, is a huge privilege. Unfortunately, many people don't have this, and they spend years of adulthood trying to build internally what others received naturally from loving, supportive parents.

People can lack a support system for various reasons: abuse, family breakdown, estrangement, bereavement. Everyone’s circumstances are unique.

Having the security of knowing you have a home to go back to, in the metaphorical or physical sense, can allow a person to explore different opportunities and experiences, secure in the knowledge that if it doesn’t work out, they have a safety net to fall back on. This safety net will be different for everyone but, broadly speaking, it will be a combination of emotional, practical, and financial support.

Because of the cost of living, punitive housing costs, and the brutal job market, there is a lot of focus on family wealth and the growing disparity between those who can give their young adult children a financial leg up and those who cannot, through no fault of their own. Life in the UK is financially tough for many. We cannot ignore the significant advantage of receiving financial support, but in this article, I wish to focus on what it is like for those who haven’t received emotional and practical support and the lifelong effects of this. It can impact a person across their lifespan. 

The emotional impact of lacking family support

People who grew up feeling unsupported may feel alone and vulnerable as they enter early adulthood. While their peers may be getting support with university applications or relationship break-ups, others have to get on with it alone. Some people learned years ago that they couldn't turn to their parents for help. It makes life so much harder not to have supportive parents in your corner as you navigate early adulthood and beyond.

That’s not to say those who grew up in supportive families don't face adversity; of course they do, but having a supportive family means they have people to rely on to help them through it. You may have only yourself to rely on, and that’s tough. Receiving emotional support growing up can mean you get a head start at regulating your emotions and are equipped with strategies on how to cope with difficult situations or challenges that come everybody’s way at some point.

Growing up with abusive, disinterested parents may mean that you had your confidence knocked as a child, endured abuse and consequently, you may struggle to regulate your emotions and cope with everyday life. Everything can feel harder and more exhausting. Growing up in a volatile household may have impacted your nervous system, leaving you hypervigilant and scanning for threat. 

The world can feel unsafe, and this can have implications. You may struggle to form close relationships with others, questioning whether you can trust them and let your guard down. When you feel dysregulated, it may be hard to concentrate on your studies or to focus on your work. You may be utilising so much internal effort to complete tasks that are seemingly straightforward for other people. In your everyday life, you will likely be working or studying alongside people for whom your internal struggles are unimaginable. 

Having parents who are emotionally closed off or preoccupied with new partners and step-kids can also feel very lonely. You may feel ignored and unwelcome. This can sometimes lead someone to try to please others at their own expense, or to engage in harmful, risky behaviours because they feel uncared for and abandoned. You may feel, or have felt, a pressure to fit in with your parent and their lifestyle, a need to be compliant and to not make a fuss, but who checks in on you? Who was advocating for you and your welfare?

The impact across the lifespan

As you progress further into adulthood, you may decide to have children, and this can be a trigger point for those without a support system, because it can highlight what you have missed out on. Your peers may have family support in the early stages of parenthood to provide guidance and practical help, and grandparents willing to provide childcare so they can have time to themselves or to work.

The gulf between those who have support and those who do not can become very pronounced. For example, you might not get the chance to take a break or have someone help with childcare a few days a week, which could reduce the childcare bill. Sadness that your children do not have actively involved grandparents who take joy in your children can also be very painful. It may be unsafe for your parents to be around your children, or your parents could be very hands-off with minimal contact.

You might also lose out on care and practical support when significant life events like serious illness, job loss, or divorce occur. No one is there to celebrate with you on joyous occasions like graduating, buying your first property, or starting a family. 

It's important that you do not compare yourself to people who grew up with a support system.

Acknowledging your achievements

Navigating life without a family support system may have helped you develop strengths such as empathy, independence, and emotional awareness. Your autonomy and independence can be reframed as strengths. You may feel free to live and work wherever you choose, without being tethered to family expectations or obligations.

Everything you have achieved, you have achieved through your own hard work. It is important to celebrate those achievements and to feel proud of yourself. Because you could not rely on your family, you may have built your own support network of trusted friends who have your back. You have built your own family. You navigate the world differently; you haven’t been given an easy ride.

How can counselling help?

Counselling can give you a confidential space to explore your feelings and emotions, and can support you in focusing on your needs and wants. Can you notice when you are exhausted and need a break? Do you put other people’s needs before your own? Are you very independent and struggle to ask for help? This can all be explored.

If you are a parent or are thinking about starting a family, I want to say this: many people who endured difficult childhoods are attuned, thoughtful parents to their own children. Some people fear they will parent as their own parents did, and therapy can be very useful at this stage of life, in untangling and exploring these beliefs.

Many who grew up without support really want to do their best for their children or future offspring. They are breaking the cycle. In many cases, those who grew up without support strive to provide their children with what they didn’t receive, and this can be incredibly powerful and healing. Therapy can support those who want to break the cycle, and its transformational power can echo down the generations to come.