Long term relationship satisfaction

Waking up one day and wondering whether we are in the right relationship is a difficult thought to face. At some point in our life, we all question whether we made the right choices, particularly when it comes to relationships.

Waking up one day and wondering whether we are in the right relationship is a difficult thought to face. At some point in our life, we all question whether we made the right choices, particularly when it comes to relationships.

Looking back on things, our minds remember the happiness, the intimate moments, the fun that used to make the relationship such an anchor of joy and satisfaction. Fast forward to that moment where the question comes up, and suddenly we wonder: “How did we get here?”, “What happened to us?”, “Can we find happiness again?".

I wish I could just say “yes”, but the answer isn’t as straightforward as it looks. However, there are ways in which the satisfaction levels of a relationship can be explored and possible changes can be made to achieve a different dynamic in the relationship, one that will bring satisfaction again to both partners as individuals and to the relationship as a unit.

How did that happen?

We expect relationships to be stable over time just because we find ourselves settling in with someone who felt special when we met. This is perhaps the first issue to tackle because reality is that we grow and develop as individuals and this influences the dynamic of the relationship. For example, becoming a parent will put different constraints on each partner and each of them will go through a process of personal change to learn and adapt to their new role (being a mother or a father). This process of personal change will shift the views and perspectives of what is important in life. Suddenly having to care for a vulnerable person, a child, brings less emphasis on having to care for another adult. And so a change in priorities is made, and suddenly, the role of the parent overtakes in importance the role of the partner/husband or wife.

Becoming a parent is a major life event, but it is not the only one and with every new life event, however small it may be, we develop and grow into a slightly different person.

At a very high level, the answer to the question “Can we find happiness again?” is yes, because there are things that we can do to maintain and sustain the satisfaction in our relationships over time. It is not an easy journey because it involves looking at things that we do on a personal level, as individuals, interpersonal things and how the dynamic in the relationship is kept alive and pay attention to external influences such as social scripts or religious beliefs that could create levels of distress because we may no longer be aligned with them.

What can I do as an individual to help regain satisfaction in my relationship?

Each individual has wants and needs. It is critical that these wants and needs are being honored and not put aside or downgraded to the benefit of one of the two partners. Start here, by looking at whether the wants and needs are clear and whether the balance is right.

When satisfaction levels go down, it is often related to not finding what we need or want within the dynamic. For example, less sex… when partners notice a difference in the level of desire for intimacy, it can be difficult and put some pressure on both partners. The focus is often in finding out why the sex drive or libido of one of the two partners has decreased. Perhaps it hasn’t decreased, perhaps the need which having sex fulfilled is fulfilled in a different way and therefore having sex is not as critical for this partner. It also highlights that one partner (the one seen as having a higher libido) does not have their needs met. Investigating the motivations for sex and what needs are fulfilled by having sex, will get to the real cause of distress. Desire discrepancy is often an imbalance of needs not being met.

Another important element to continuously monitor is our level of expectations towards ourselves, our partners and our relationship. As just highlighted, we change over time and as a result so does the dynamic of the relationship. Why would we keep the same expectations when things are dynamically changing around us? As we grow old, we are not expected to be able to carry the same amount of weight because our body strength is not as strong as it used to be. We accept that and with it the expectation that we will carry less weight. Applying this principle to our relationship is crucial to keep it in the space of what is realistically possible and as such achievable. Failing to adjust what we expect can only lead to disappointment and ultimately resentment.

The next thing to watch out for on an individual level is self-care. Seems obvious to say that if you feel good in yourself and about yourself, then this projection works in a positive cycle in a relationship. Self-care can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths to ground ourselves and avoid anxiety or other distressing or upsetting thoughtsthat  overwhelm us.

We constantly prioritise other things because we all have a long To Do list in our heads about the million things we have to do, that thinking about adding a little bit of time to take care of ourselves in that list, is a guilty pleasure. Research has shown again and again that someone who feels good in themselves, boosts confidence and in turn productivity. People achieve more and more easily when they have the head space to do so. What will you do to look after yourself today, and tomorrow,…?

What about the things that can be done at an interpersonal level?

Perhaps the greatest thing to do in this space is learning to communicate effectively. Talking is such an essential part of our lives; but do we actually communicate in a way that has the impact and effect we desire? Communication is a difficult process because it involves many different factors. It involves our cognition to work at its best, such as paying attention to the parts of the conversation that truly matter or perceiving the message in the way that it was intended to.

Communication also involves our environment, past and present. What “goggles” are we wearing? Our perspective and understanding of what is said is overlaid by our knowledge, our thoughts, our values, our beliefs, which is why two people looking at the same situation will always describe it in slightly different ways.

In relationships, learning to listen beyond just hearing is a balancing act with saying the right words at the right time and in the right way. To start that learning process, the best way is to make sure we explicitly say things… and we check for understanding. You will know if the other person has understood the meaning of what you said if they’re able to repeat it back to you in their own words. This will indicate that their brain has processed the words heard and has allocated meaning to them.

What about social norms and personal beliefs?

We have all grown up with social scripts and various of other social, cultural and/or religious norms. These are part of our fabric and identity, they influence our thoughts and actions. They can be sources of immense joy and personal growth but they can also be very damaging, particularly when perspectives aren’t shared in a relationship.

To end this article…

I will begin by saying that everyone finds themselves questioning the satisfaction of their relationship at some stage in their lives. It is expected because relationships are complex and need a lot of care and attention to work in the long run. Relationships tend to be taken for granted and other priorities take center stage, pushing backstage the importance of keeping our relationships alive.

Sometimes it is just about remembering and making small adjustments, other times the work to get relationship satisfaction where we want it to be needs deeper work and self-reflection. Getting support from a therapist allows for safe exploration in an environment where both partners will be held. Needing help to mediate difficult conversations is not shameful, it’s brave because the reward is happiness and relationship satisfaction.