It’s a new year. Is it time for couple therapy?

The holidays can be hard. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, the holiday season can be challenging. 

Image

Most people have at least some break from work, but the loss of routine, while it may feel exciting for the first few hours, can be destabilising if it drags on. Fortunately, other tasks fill the gap: presents must be bought, meals cooked, children entertained, elderly or frail relatives and neighbours visited, and, for people of faith, rituals observed. There can be great joy in this: the gathering together of wider family and upholding of traditions reminds us that we are social creatures with a need to belong. 

But it can also bring tensions to the fore. Arguments about who does most of the domestic tasks, which may have been simmering all year, can intensify when there is so much more to do. Financial difficulties can feel especially acute at Christmas, when there are extra pressures on households, and the fear of disappointing children and other loved ones, if we can’t provide everything they might want, can lead us to feel inadequate.

Those who do have to work over the holiday period can feel resentment that they are working harder than ever, while others put their feet up. Those who have experienced a bereavement can feel especially sad as they face the first Christmas without a loved one. All these difficult feelings need somewhere to go, and, more often than not, they go into the couple relationship, where, if they can’t be contained, they erupt in rows and recrimination.


The hype of Christmas inevitably disappoints

Part of the problem is that the commercialisation of Christmas means that each year it begins earlier, generating unrealistic expectations. When the wrapping paper is thrown away, and the turkey digested, we can all feel a little let down. Some of this disappointment leaks into relationships: many couples I work with describe looking forward all year to having this time at home with their partners, only to end up squabbling for much of it. For months, they have convinced themselves that the only issue in the relationship is that they don’t get enough time together; suddenly, when there is time, the real issues emerge.

It can be especially hard to be arguing at a time when we are meant to be happy, as if we’re failing at something just when it should be easiest. During the holiday season, the media seem to conspire to drench us in narratives of perfect or near perfect relationships. Whether it’s Rom Coms or Christmas specials of family favourites, the narrative is that everyone ends up happy and in love at Christmas.

The presence of family can be an additional irritant. Families tend to take sides, and this can feel like they are provoking conflict. Even when family are trying to help, having them witness arguments can feel shameful.  


A lonely time of year

What about those who are alone at Christmas? Research published by the Policy Institute at Kings College London in December[i] found that one in nine people expected to spend last Christmas alone. While some people may revel in the liberation of doing just what they please on December 25th, for others, the reminder that, in an increasingly atomised society, they are one of the “atoms”, can feel especially bleak, even shaming. While not everyone wants to be in a relationship, many of the individuals I work with come to see me because they want to understand why, for them, relationships have been so hard, or to help in changing unhelpful patterns of relating to others.

Those who do spend the holidays with loved ones can also feel lonely, and there is perhaps nothing worse than feeling alone when surrounded by other people. 


How therapy can help

January tends to be a busy time for couple therapists (and divorce lawyers) as couples enter the new year thinking “I can’t face another year of this”. Some people feel embarrassed about seeking therapy as if admitting that they have a problem is the first step on the road to separation. But this is not necessarily the case. While some couples might indeed be happier apart, as a couple therapist I find most people who come to see me do so because something they valued in their relationship has got lost somewhere, and they want to recapture it.

Thus, from my perspective, seeking help is a statement of commitment, showing that both have the courage and the creativity to make changes if that’s what it takes to stay together. Couple therapy, whether online or face to face, creates a safe, bounded space in which couples can talk, and more importantly listen, to each other, with a neutral party, who can make observations about what is going on, point out when unhelpful patterns are being repeated and introduce more productive tools and techniques for resolving difficulties.   


References

  • [i] Share of public spending Christmas alone has doubled since 1969, study finds | King's College London
info

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

Share this article with a friend
Image
London SW14 & Richmond upon Thames TW9
Image
Image
Written by Ann Hardy
location_on London SW14 & Richmond upon Thames TW9
Ann Hardy, MA, MBACP, works with couples and individuals experiencing relationship difficulties. She has a particular interest in neurodiversity and the strengths as well as the challenges autistic people can bring to relationships
Image

Find the right counsellor or therapist for you

location_on

task_alt All therapists are verified professionals

task_alt All therapists are verified professionals