Is your grief tied to hidden trauma?

Grief. It’s a universal experience, yet one of the most personal and complex emotions we face. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even the loss of a dream or a sense of identity, grief can shake us to our core. But what if I told you that grief isn’t just about the loss you’re experiencing now – it’s intertwined with past experiences? What if the grief you’re carrying isn’t only about the current loss, but also the hidden losses from years ago, buried deep within your subconscious, waiting to surface at the right moment?

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Grief is often simplified as a linear process – shock, anger, sadness, bargaining, and eventually acceptance. But in reality, it is much more layered. Grief doesn’t follow a straightforward path, and for many, it doesn’t just come in waves; it crashes unexpectedly, sometimes pulling past wounds along with it. This is where complex trauma intertwines with grief.


What is complex trauma?

Complex trauma is the result of prolonged exposure to stressful or harmful situations, often during early childhood, such as abuse, neglect, or unstable relationships. Unlike a single traumatic event, complex trauma involves repeated exposure to emotional or physical harm. This ongoing stress doesn’t just affect our minds – it also shapes our bodies, creating patterns of behaviour that can persist long into adulthood.

You might be asking, “How does this relate to grief?” The answer lies in how grief can activate unresolved wounds from the past. Grief is not just about what you’re losing today; it’s a mixture of what you've lost in the past and how you learned to cope with those losses. Our history, in many ways, shapes how we experience grief in the present moment.


The hidden connection: Loss, grief, and our past

Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and expert on trauma, addiction, and emotional health, often discusses the idea of “when the body says no.” He highlights how the body holds onto unresolved emotional wounds and how these unprocessed emotions can manifest physically. For example, chronic illness, unexplained anxiety, or even unexplained tension may arise when emotional wounds are left unaddressed.

This insight is crucial when we examine grief and complex trauma. Often, grief triggers unresolved feelings from past losses – whether the death of a parent, the loss of safety in childhood, or the absence of emotional connection. When we face a current loss, our body might not just react to that event – it might react to all the losses we never had the chance to fully grieve.

I recall a client, Mary* who came to me several years ago after the loss of her mother. Her grief was overwhelming, but as we dug deeper, we discovered that her grief wasn’t only about her mother’s death. It was about the emotional neglect she had endured as a child – long before her mother’s physical passing. Sarah had lost her mother emotionally years before her physical death.

This is the nature of complex trauma. It weaves together with grief in ways we often fail to recognise. We carry past wounds, and when something significant happens – like a loss – it brings those unresolved wounds to the surface. For Mary*, the grief of losing her mother was compounded by the trauma of not feeling seen or valued as a child. These wounds re-emerged with a vengeance, making her grief much more complicated.

Attachment and complex trauma: How it impacts grief

Our early experiences, particularly with primary caregivers, play a crucial role in shaping how we form attachments throughout our lives. Dr. Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and expert on childhood trauma, explains that our early attachment experiences create a blueprint for how we relate to the world. If we grew up in an environment lacking love, security, or safety, we develop insecure attachments, which can result in complex trauma.

When complex trauma is triggered, it often feels like the very foundation of our emotional world has been shaken. Grief, especially when it involves the loss of someone close to us, can trigger these deep-seated attachment wounds.

When you lose someone you love, it’s not just about the person who is gone – it’s about what they represented. For many, a loved one is a source of safety, connection, and emotional validation. Losing that can feel like losing the very thing that held you together – your emotional security, sense of belonging, or your emotional foundation.

This is where grief and complex trauma intersect. It’s not just about mourning the person or situation you’ve lost. It’s about confronting the unmet needs, fears, and unresolved pain that rise to the surface in the wake of that loss. Sometimes, the pain feels as though it was always there – just waiting to be triggered.


Practical steps for healing from grief and complex trauma

While grief and complex trauma are deeply personal, there are steps you can take to begin the healing process. Here are some practical ways to navigate the complexities of grief and trauma:

  • Acknowledge your grief: Grief doesn’t have a timeline. In a world that often expects us to “move on” quickly, it’s important to allow yourself to feel your grief – without judgment. Don’t rush the process. It’s OK to be messy and vulnerable as you navigate your grief.
  • Listen to your body: Your body holds the key to much of the trauma you may have carried for years. Pay attention to physical sensations – tightness in your chest, headaches, stomach aches, or fatigue. These may be signals that your grief and past trauma need attention and care. Honour your body’s wisdom in this process.
  • Seek support: Healing from grief and complex trauma is not something you have to do alone. Seek out a therapist, a support group, or loved ones who can hold space for your pain without judgment. A therapist trained in trauma can help you explore the layers of grief and trauma and how your past influences your present.
  • Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present moment. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by emotions or get lost in past pain. Practising mindfulness can help you observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment, creating a sense of calm amidst the chaos.
  • Be compassionate with yourself: Healing from grief and trauma can bring up feelings of shame or guilt. Maybe you feel that you're not grieving “correctly” or that you're stuck in your process. Be gentle with yourself. There is no “right” way to grieve, and healing takes time.
  • Understand the connection between grief and trauma: Recognising that your grief may be tied to past unresolved trauma can be an eye-opening realisation. Understanding this connection can help explain why your grief feels so intense, or why it triggers unexpected emotional reactions. It’s not just about the loss in front of you – it’s about what you’ve been carrying all along.

Moving forward: A journey of growth

Healing from grief and complex trauma is not linear, and it doesn’t happen overnight. But with time, patience, and self-compassion, you can create a new relationship with grief – one that allows you to honour the past, process your pain, and move toward a future of peace and healing.

Grief is not something to fix or avoid; it’s something to feel, process, and ultimately integrate into your life. When you allow yourself to sit with your grief and explore the hidden wounds of the past, you give yourself the opportunity to heal in profound and transformative ways.

If you’re struggling with grief or complex trauma and need someone to support you through the healing journey, I invite you to reach out to a professional. Counselling provides a compassionate, safe space for you to explore your grief, work through past trauma, and begin the healing process. Together, you can create a path toward understanding, resolution, and growth.

Healing is possible.

Mary* - Name changed to protect confidentiality.

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This article was written with AI-assisted technologies and has been reviewed and edited with human oversight, in accordance with our AI policy.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Milnthorpe, Cumbria, LA7
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Written by Jacqueline Connaughton
MBACP, Trauma, Complex Trauma & Grief Specialist,
location_on Milnthorpe, Cumbria, LA7
With years of experience in trauma and grief counselling, I offer flexible online therapy tailored to your needs. Whether you're looking for occasional support or long-term care, I’m here to help you navigate your journey. Reach out today by phone or email for an introductory consultation and take the first step towards healing.
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