In a world full of ‘shoulds’, how do we find what we truly want?

Most of us walk through life guided by an invisible rulebook. We don’t remember writing it, but we live by it every day. I should be coping better. I should know what I’m doing. I should put everyone else first. I shouldn’t feel this way.

These “shoulds” can feel like facts, but in reality, they are quiet, powerful forms of self-pressure. They shape how we behave, what we tolerate, and the choices we make. And for many of us, they keep us from growing into who we really are.

As a counsellor and coach, I hear the word should more than almost anything else. And gently, compassionately, we begin to ask: Where did this "should" come from, and is it actually true?

Where our “shoulds” come from

Our shoulds are rarely born from personal desire. They usually come from:

• our family system
• cultural messages
• past experiences
• fears we internalised when we were too young to question them
• outdated rules we once needed to survive, but no longer need today

We absorb these beliefs long before we’re able to reflect on them. Eventually, they form something psychologists call a life script: a set of unconscious instructions about how we are meant to behave in the world.

Left unexamined, we can spend decades playing out a script we never consciously chose.

The moment I realised how rigid “should” can be

A few years ago, I had a heated discussion with my dad about changes in language around gender identity. His argument was essentially: “We shouldn’t change the rules. That’s just how it is.”

It struck me, not because we disagreed, but because it showed how tightly we can cling to beliefs simply because they’re familiar. For him, the rule felt factual, permanent, unquestionable.

For me, it showed just how limiting “should” can become when we’ve never paused to ask: Does this still make sense? Does it still serve us?

Someone once told me, “A fact is just a theory that hasn’t been disproved yet.” I’ve never forgotten it because it reminds us that everything can be re-examined, reframed, and reshaped. Including the beliefs we hold about ourselves.

A simple therapy tool: Replace “should” with “want”

One of my favourite exercises in therapy is something I call "The week of want".

For seven days, whenever you catch yourself thinking “I should”, replace it with “I want” and notice what happens:

• “I should be more productive today” becomes “I want to feel less overwhelmed.”
• “I should say yes” becomes “I want to keep my boundaries.”
• “I should go to that event” becomes “I want to rest tonight.”

Clients are often surprised by how much clarity emerges. Decisions become easier. Pressure softens. Their real priorities come into focus.

Most importantly, they get to meet themselves. Not the part of them that performs for approval, but the part that longs for something truer.

Why this matters for self-actualisation

In counselling, the journey is often about rediscovering the self beneath layers of conditioning. When we shift from “should” to “want,” something profound happens:

• we reconnect with authentic desire
• we reduce shame and self-criticism
• we recognise inherited beliefs rather than assuming they’re facts
• we open space for agency, autonomy, and psychological growth

This is where self-actualisation begins, not with perfect choices, but with honest ones.

There is no such thing as a universal “should”

A “should” is simply a belief – one that may no longer reflect who you are or where you want to go. It’s not a moral truth. It’s not a rule of the universe. It’s often just a ghost of something you once learned to survive. And when we loosen its grip, new possibilities appear.

An invitation

Try your own week of want and notice:

• what becomes easier
• what becomes clearer
• how it feels to act from desire rather than obligation

Meaningful change rarely comes from forcing ourselves into “shoulds.” It comes from understanding what we truly want and allowing ourselves to move toward it.

As Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis, wrote: “Each person designs his own life…freedom gives him the power to carry out his own designs.”

Putting this into practice

There really is no such thing as should. It’s an imagined standard against which we judge ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. And while ‘shoulds’ can masquerade as motivation, they more often keep us stuck and bound to old beliefs, inherited rules, or fears that no longer belong to us.

When we begin to challenge those internal rules, even gently, something shifts. Clients often tell me that after their week of want that decisions feel clearer and self-criticism softens. They discover possibilities they hadn’t been able to see before, simply because the word should was crowding them out.

And this isn’t just about personal choices; it extends to how we relate to work, to others, and to ourselves. When we identify the want beneath a should, we’re uncovering our true motives, values, and desires. That’s where authenticity and change begin.

So I invite you to try it: for one week, replace every ‘should’ with a ‘want’. Notice what feels different, what feels uncomfortable, and what ideas or insights emerge from that shift. You may be surprised at how much is possible when you give yourself permission to want rather than obey.

Because it’s in that small change of language, and the big change in awareness that follows, that we start to move toward a more intentional, self-directed, and fulfilling life.