I understand the patterns, so why do I keep repeating them?

While walking through a park with a friend recently, they said that they often worry they are ‘too much’ in relationships – too intense, too needy, too quick to respond. They were clearly identifying a pattern, and they were trying to do something about it. A while later, they received a message from someone they’d started seeing.

They glanced at their lock screen before returning the phone to their pocket. “I’m trying not to reply straight away,” they said. “I don’t want to come across as too keen.”

We kept walking, but now they were distracted. They were still thinking about the message, and a few minutes later, they reread the message and replied quickly – not so discreetly.

As we were coming to the end of our walk, they told me that the connection in the relationship was feeling flat and empty. Something was coming into land for them. Through their attempts to avoid being ‘too much’, they had stepped back enough to see the relationship more clearly. It wasn’t a dramatic moment – it was just enough.

Becoming aware of our relational patterns

It’s not unusual to have a clear understanding of our relational patterns. You might notice you withdraw when things feel uncertain, or you become overly accommodating in relationships to avoid conflict. Perhaps you believe people will not be interested in your day even when they’ve asked about it. You may even have a sense of where this is coming from – past relationships, early life experiences, or at difficult moments in life when it has been the only way to remain relationally safe.

But sometimes, despite all this awareness, the patterns never seem to shift or change. This realisation can be confusing and deeply frustrating. You may be asking yourself why it seems impossible to do something about it when you can see the pattern so clearly. And yet, despite seeing them, they keep reappearing.

Understanding and changing are not the same thing

People often assume that understanding their patterns can help them change the way they relate to others. It is true that seeking understanding helps us recognise patterns and make sense of ourselves, bringing clarity, reducing self-blame, and creating space for self-compassion. But there is a limit to what we can do with this kind of understanding.

When seen from a distance, our experiences lack the detail needed to fully understand their meaning. We are no longer facing them, and we are too distant from the moment the pattern repeated itself.

Imagine trying to understand a conversation by reading a transcript. The words are the same, but we miss out on the tone, the subtle pauses and the changes of pace in the speaker’s voice. We don’t get to hear the interaction, and we miss the parts that carry the meaning.

In the same way, the relational patterns we experience can only be seen clearly when they are happening. Not afterwards when we examine them, but in the present moment through our reaction, anticipation and perhaps avoidance of the other person’s response.

Relational patterns can often feel stuck

When we see the patterns clearly, they can feel deep-rooted and hard to shift.

They may even feel like the most natural, sometimes necessary response. For example, not responding to a message might feel like giving someone space, creating some distance might feel like protecting yourself, and saying yes could be the only way to keep the relationship steady.

In the moment, these may appear to be the most logical and reasonable ways of relating. But then, with some distance, that familiar relational pattern becomes clear again. Again, the moment has passed.

The early signs of change

Change often starts to happen when you start to notice the patterns while they are happening in real time – as they unfold. It might be hard to recognise at first. You may pause slightly before responding. You may recognise something subtle that feels familiar.

These moments can be easy to miss. They are not always obvious, and they often start with a subtle awareness that something new might be possible. This is the beginning of change. Change is not about getting it right every time but becoming more aware of how this relational pattern moves you, what it pulls you towards, and where it leads you.

Uncovering patterns through relationships

Relational patterns are most visible when we are with other people, whether in close relationships or everyday interactions. This also happens to be one of the reasons therapy can be helpful. It is not just a space to talk and try to understand. Therapy is a space to experience how you relate and respond to another person.

If you find yourself repeating familiar patterns, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It may just be that the understanding you have is not the whole picture. Sometimes these things can only be clearly seen and understood as they happen – within and through relationship. And it’s often in those small moments that something different can begin to emerge.