How to overcome narcissistic parenting

‘Narcissist’ is a word that seems to be being used with increasing frequency in recent years. The term originally comes from the myth of Narcissus - a physically beautiful man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. The myth goes that he was so enamoured with his appearance that he wasted away gazing at it. A yellow flower, the narcissus, is said to have bloomed in his place. Perhaps a symbol of hope and true beauty from what, many of us know, is the tragic tale of narcissism.

The modern-day Narcissus finds ‘self-love’ in other ways. I use ‘self-love’ with quotation marks as there is neither a ‘self’ nor ‘love’ involved here. Someone who is clinically narcissistic is wholly disconnected from their true self. As the true self is the place from which love originates, it so follows that they are incapable of feeling or expressing this towards others. The ‘self-love’ as referenced above, therefore, is quite literally anything but. 

What someone with a narcissistic personality seeks is ‘self-validation’. While Narcissus fell in love with his reflection in the water, the modern-day version seeks to fall in love with himself in the eyes of another. Without a sense of self, there is a desperate longing to be seen and people with a narcissistic personality will look to others to do this for them.

Like Narcissus, they can no longer turn inwards. Tragically, however, they can never find what they are looking for in this way. However much their loved ones try, they will inevitably fail, invoking the narcissist’s unjustified rage as they fail to deliver what they never could give – a love that can be received. 

The impact on their children

The impact someone with a narcissistic personality has on their children is devastating. Children cannot understand a parent who is incapable of receiving the love they so willingly give and so often comes to incorrectly assume there must be something wrong with them. 

Narcissistic parents also do not have any capacity to see their own children as separate individuals with their own needs. They are solely focused on their own self-interests, leaving no room for the child to grow as their true self. There is no encouragement, no guidance and the child is likely to adapt him or herself to try and fit with the adult’s demands of them. Over time they lose touch with their natural expressive nature and become little more than a reflective mirror for their parent to see themselves in. 

Children of parents like these grow into adults with a lot of confusion, anger and sadness. They often cannot understand what went wrong and, tragically, many still seek to meet their parents’ impossible needs through a continuation of the toxic dynamic. They were sold a lie at a young age and, for many, the truth is too painful. Seeing the truth often brings grief, shock and a deep sense of betrayal. 

The truth

‘The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off’ - Gloria Steinem.

The truth is that children of narcissistic parents were robbed of their childhood. They were never given the freedom to develop into who they were meant to be – healthy, self-actualising humans. They were used to fuel their parent(s)’ sense of self, but the tragedy is, this never produced results, often leaving their children with a perverse sense of guilt for being unable to deliver something they never could have. 

When, as adults, these children come to understand the truth, it can be shocking. They have been so focused on their parents’ needs, they have often completely neglected their own. When they cut the toxic tie that keeps them pouring fuel in an empty grate they may realise that they have abandoned themselves to the same degree their parent(s) have. They may have a sense that they have no idea who they are. They might feel lost, vulnerable and very insecure in a world they have never been equipped to navigate. This is where therapy is vital.

How therapy can help

Children of narcissists have a lot of work to do to re-discover their inherent self-worth, establish healthy boundaries and build assertiveness skills. They are often people pleasers, and having given to others all their lives, need support in giving to and nurturing themselves now.

Therapy can sometimes be a ‘re-parenting’ process, as the therapist provides the care and support which the client then comes to internalise. The therapist remains ‘with’ the client, seeing them for who they are and allowing them space to grieve, rage, cry or maybe, in time, come to celebrate the strong survivor they always were. 

Change is possible

Many people feel drained, exhausted and even some hatred after prolonged encounters with someone with a narcissistic personality, particularly if they are our parents. It can feel like it’s impossible to reclaim a sense of self and it can sometimes feel easier to default to blame (whether of ourself or another) as opposed to taking steps to discovering our self-worth again. However, with patience, trust and courage, real change is possible. It can start right here and now.