How to improve low self-esteem and build confidence

We all feel inadequate or insecure at times. You might be worried about performing well in a new job, feeling insecure about your body image in a new relationship, or feeling like you are not a 'good enough' parent. This is part of being human. However, if you find that you are persistently feeling that you aren’t good enough, and it’s having an overwhelming or debilitating impact on your life, it could be a sign of low self-esteem or low confidence.

Common signs of low self-esteem

Some common traits often seen with low self-esteem are:

• people-pleasing
• procrastination
• overthinking
• perfectionism

We tend to develop these traits as coping mechanisms - ways to help ourselves feel safe, cared for, and accepted.

You might want to gently ask yourself:

• Do I believe that I’m a failure, weak, or broken?
• Do I feel I need to earn love and approval?
• Is it difficult for me to ask for what I need, for fear of being a burden?
• Do I believe that I don’t deserve to be happy?
• Do I worry that if people saw the "real me," they would reject me?

If any of these resonate with you, you're not alone. So many of us struggle to believe that we are worthy of love and acceptance. It could be helpful to think about where this belief could have come from and what you can do to heal and rebuild it.

Why do I have low self-esteem?

We begin forming a sense of self from the moment we are born. Through our relationships and experiences, we learn about our place in the world, how we are treated, and whether we are worthy of care, love, and attention.

If we are given the message - directly or indirectly - that we do not meet expectations, or that we are somehow lacking, we may start to believe that we are undeserving of love or belonging. These early beliefs can become deeply embedded and, without realising it, can follow us into adulthood.

Sometimes, we are lucky enough to meet people later in life who challenge these beliefs and help us feel seen, valued, and loved. Other times, our negative self-beliefs are reinforced by unhealthy friendships, critical workplaces, or unsupportive relationships.

What is important is that you can unlearn these negative self-beliefs. They are not permanent. You can view yourself with kindness, trust, and respect. I have seen my clients move from self-criticism to self-compassion and from a paralysing fear of rejection to vulnerability and self-acceptance. Change is within your capacity.

How can I improve my self-esteem?

It’s completely understandable if this feels like an impossible or daunting task. You might find yourself thinking, "What if I fail at this too?". If that's how you feel, you are not alone. Many people with low self-esteem worry that even trying to change will end in failure.

Change is possible, and you do not need to do it perfectly. Improving self-esteem is about learning that you are enough, just as you are. 

Here are some ideas that might help you begin:

1. Set yourself achievable goals - and celebrate your effort

• Break larger goals down into small, manageable steps.
• Celebrate not just the achievements, but the effort you are making.

2. Focus your time and energy on people who build you up

• Pay attention to how you feel around different people.
• Notice who helps you feel confident and more like yourself, and who drains your energy or makes you doubt your worth.
• It's OK to set boundaries with people who are impacting your self-worth.

3. Be kind to yourself

• This might feel unnatural or uncomfortable at first.
• Try to notice when you are being hard on yourself. Ask yourself: "Would I say this to a friend?"
• Give yourself permission to be imperfect. 
• You might even try writing a compassionate letter to yourself:
  • Acknowledge things about yourself that you are proud of.
  • Forgive yourself for mistakes or failures.
  • Offer understanding and empathy for the difficult experiences you've been through.

4. Start something - anything

• It could be a new hobby, an old passion you used to enjoy, volunteering, learning a new skill, or joining a local group.
• Choose something that feels manageable and enjoyable, not something that feels like a huge challenge.
• The aim isn't to be 'good' at it; the aim is to show yourself that you can try new things, grow, and experience joy.

5. Speak to a counsellor

• You don't have to do this alone.
• Counselling can help you explore the roots of your self-esteem issues, reconnect with yourself, and find a way towards self-acceptance and increased confidence.
• Therapy offers a safe, compassionate space to work through old beliefs and build new, more empowering ones.

Low self-esteem can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be a lifelong struggle. With the right support, strategies, and self-compassion, it's possible to challenge negative beliefs and build a more positive and confident sense of self. Whether through personal reflection, supportive relationships, or professional help, small steps can lead to lasting change.