How to cope when there is a rupture in a relationship

We learn about relationships and the world in childhood. We form fundamental questions like: Am I safe or not? Am I lovable? Do they like me/accept me? Do I belong? How early relationships have been modelled to us makes a difference.

As we develop, our worldview may change as we consider assumptions that we have made about ourselves and other people. We may need to reflect on some of these core beliefs and thoughts and change them.

Unpredictability and anxiety

If we have lived, or are living, in an unpredictable environment, our nervous systems will be hyper-vigilant - we are waiting for the next raised voice or slammed door as a person leaves. (will they return?) Our levels of anxiety and fear of abandonment and rejection will be front and centre of our focus.

If we haven't been soothed or comforted when we are little (or indeed in adulthood) and have been told to 'be quiet' when we are upset, this can leave us feeling distressed and wondering what we have 'done wrong.'

Anxiety and stress in the world

We are bombarded with never-ending stories of catastrophes or impending catastrophes. Will we be careful about how much of this information we allow into our minds?

Anxiety and stress in our world

The reality is that we are all facing challenges. No one's life is perfect despite the impression that some parts of social media may give. Living with some uncertainty in relationships is inevitable.

We need one another

People thrive best when they are in healthy relationships with other people personally and professionally. At work and home, we must be respected and respect other people, be able to set boundaries and express our needs without fear of anger, belittling, control or dismissal of another person. Self-compassion, compassion and kindness are vital foundations for relationships.

Fear of abandonment

Sometimes we stay in relationships because we feel that if we try harder the other person will treat us better. Are we able to discern when it is time to walk away? I recognise that for many complex reasons, this can be extremely difficult. For relationships to work well both people need to be invested. If we find that we are staying in a relationship that causes seemingly never-ending stress and anxiety can we find one step to keep ourselves safe?

Ruptures happen

Even in the best of relationships, sometimes things go wrong. It is so important to be empathic - to see things from the other person's perspective and convey this to them. We may have a different opinion but listening, hearing and reflecting on what we think we have heard makes it possible for a conversation that is not destructive and hurtful.

The impact of silence

Sometimes we don't speak because we are upset and need time to self-soothe. However, sometimes people don't speak because they want to punish the other person. Leaving someone indefinitely without resolution to a rupture can be intensely painful.

There is a healthy version of silence where we take time to be quiet with ourselves, to check in with what we notice in our bodies and minds. This can help our nervous system to settle so that we can think of what we need in those moments that will help us.

In healthy relationships, we can have a conversation with the other person about what has gone wrong and work together collaboratively going forward. Peace and a greater understanding of one another is gained.

Grieving lost relationships

Sometimes we long for a close relationship with other people and 'people please' to get their acceptance. There is a difference between wanting to please other people and 'people pleasing.' It is important to remember that not everyone wants to be in a relationship with us. That is their prerogative. This can be extremely painful. However, we need to remember that this does not mean we are unlovable. Grief is not linear - if we work through the ebbs and flows of this we may gradually recover.

Healthy self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem enables us to have a good relationship with ourselves and to recognise when we are being treated in a way that is not acceptable.

Would you like some help?

Counselling offers a safe place to reflect on your relationship with yourself and with other people. It is a place of empowerment and where, if there is a rupture with your counsellor, there will be an opportunity to work through this.

Counsellors offer a relationship where they honour the intrinsic worth and dignity of their clients. They help clients find and use their voice in therapy and their relationships outside the therapy room.