How the dual process model can help you navigate grief

Grief is a normal response to the loss of anything that means a lot to us. It can be the death of a person we loved (bereavement), but also the loss of a relationship, a pet, our health, or a job. Mourning is the process of navigating our way through our grief, and this takes time. This article describes how counselling and the dual process model can help you to understand and work through your grief, allowing you to move forward, acknowledging and integrating the loss into your changed life.

What is grief?

Grief is the price of attachment to the things we value; the only way to avoid grief is to avoid love. Everyone’s response to loss is unique, but there are some common features. Many people experience a mixture of intense emotions which may include sadness, shock, anger, guilt, depression, anxiety, hopelessness or relief. They may also feel physically exhausted, have disturbed sleep or find it difficult to concentrate.

Loss can also challenge our assumptions about ourselves and the world, the internal model that allows us to interpret the past and plan for the future. This can disrupt our sense of self and safety in the world, our sense of purpose and connection to others, and make us feel uncertain about the future.

How can counselling help you?

Counselling provides a safe, supportive, non-judgemental space in which to explore and make sense of your feelings so that you can adapt to your changed world. It is an opportunity to speak freely to someone outside your existing support network who understands the grief process. It can help you to better understand yourself, build your hope for the future and decide how best to move forward in life. In this article, I use my experience of supporting bereaved clients to outline some of the ways in which your counsellor can help you to navigate your personal grief journey.

Normalising your grief process

Early theories suggested that grief was a linear process, that people moved through stages, starting with denial and moving through anger, bargaining and depression to reach a place of acceptance. More recently, we have come to understand that grief is more like a rollercoaster or a whirlpool; you may or may not experience all of the emotions listed above, and you may experience others. In addition, these emotions do not occur in any particular order. It is normal to cycle backwards and forwards through different emotions.

Because every grief journey is unique, your experience may be different from those around you, or from what you or other people expect grief to be like. As a result, you may feel that you are not grieving correctly. Your counsellor can help you to understand that there is no right way to mourn; whatever you are feeling or not feeling is normal.

Using the dual process model to navigate the grief process

Newer theories of grief also see it as an active process of tasks to complete rather than a passive transition through stages. The dual process model is one of these theories, which outlines two main groups of tasks. Tasks in the ‘loss-orientation’ are focused on working through the pain of your loss, while those in the ‘restoration-orientation’ help to rebuild life in your changed world. In a healthy grief process, people spend some time focusing on their losses and some rebuilding their life while taking time out from the work of grief to focus on taking care of themselves.

Tasks in the ‘loss-orientation’

The first task in the ‘loss-orientation’ is to accept the reality of your loss by talking to your counsellor about your loss. Most of the work in this orientation is focused on processing your emotions. Emotions provide important information about what we need in life; it is normal for them to come and go. When you have understood what they are trying to tell you and taken action to address the need they identified, the emotion can subside.  

To understand the messages provided by our emotions, we need to fully experience them. Counselling provides an opportunity to talk freely about your loved one, to have the magnitude of your loss witnessed and acknowledged in safe, non-judgemental environment. When we can express and experience our sadness, we can identify what is missing in our life and work out how to fill that gap.  

Other emotions may be more difficult to talk about. They often result from the story we have created to make sense of the death, which can lead us to blame ourselves and feel guilty or to blame others and feel angry.  Your counsellor can help you to explore any guilt you feel by talking about what you did or did not do to reality check your feelings of responsibility. A written or verbal apology to whoever you feel that you have wronged can help reduce any residual feelings of guilt. 

Anger is a normal reaction to feeling hurt; it aims to protect us and promote change. Your counsellor can help you to identify an appropriate target for your anger so that you can find a safe way to express it. If your anger is directed at your loved one, talking about your life together and their positive impact on you and the wider world can help you to gain perspective and balance any negative feelings with positive ones. 

The final task in this orientation is to redefine your relationship with your loved one, to move through the pain to find love so that you can build an enduring connection which will allow you to embark on your new life.  The continuing bonds theory of grief suggests that death ends a life but does not end a relationship.

Tasks in the ‘restoration-orientation’ 

Some of the work in the ‘restoration-orientation’ is about rebuilding your life in the external world, how to fill the roles played by your loved one and finding practical solutions to problems. It is also about restoring a sense of self and purpose, rebuilding your internal model of the world so that you can plan for the future.  

Re-telling stories about the past, what you have lost, and how your life has changed can help to reorganise your core beliefs, to change the story of your life and create hope for the future. Reflecting on the impact of a loved one’s life and your loss can help to create new meaning in your own life by enhancing the quality of other relationships, increasing your appreciation for life, or creating a new purpose to impact the world. Loss can be the foundation of a new life; your personal struggle with loss can change your perspective and create a positive future.

Initially, your loss is the main focus of your life, but gradually, your life can expand so that your grief takes up less space. You can make an active decision to live, to be fully present. This is not about forgetting but about letting go; you can always keep a place in your heart for your loved one. Grief does not end, but the pain reduces, and mourning is finished when you are able to think about your loved one with more love than pain.

When to ask for help

Grief is a normal process; many people will navigate this process on their own or with the support of friends and family, but some people will need additional support from a counsellor to find their way through.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the emotions associated with your loss or distracting yourself from the pain using alcohol or drugs, reaching out for help can help you navigate your grief. Having someone to walk alongside you can relieve the loneliness and help you to find the path back to a more enjoyable life.