How shadow work and EMDR can support emotional healing for men
As a male psychotherapist, I increasingly find myself working with men presenting with a raft of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, anger, addiction and stress. I believe socio-cultural assumptions and constructs such as dominant patriarchal narratives can compound mental health issues across the spectrum of gender identity.
One of the most harmful aspects of the patriarchy for men is the expectation that they must suppress their emotions. From a young age, many boys are taught that showing vulnerability – whether it’s crying, expressing fear, or even admitting to feeling hurt – is a sign of weakness. Phrases like “man up” or “boys don’t cry” reinforce this notion that to be masculine is to be emotionally stoic.
Over time, this can push emotional expression into what Carl Jung described as ‘the shadow’. This is the part of the psyche where the denied parts of the self can live on outside of awareness. This creates a sense of disconnect and emotional repression which can have devastating consequences. Research shows that men are less likely to seek help for mental health issues like depression or anxiety because they feel they must handle problems on their own.
My work with men’s issues has now developed into an established niche in my practice and it has become an area of psychotherapy I have become deeply passionate about. I find I am increasingly needing to integrate aspects of shadow work alongside EMDR and psychodynamic psychotherapy into my toolkit in order to work with men’s issues. I believe that many men have an unspoken yearning for emotional healing and self-understanding.
Shadow work and eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy are two powerful methods for addressing men’s issues. These methods, when used alongside each other, can help men heal old wounds, embrace vulnerability, and integrate parts of themselves that have been long repressed. Together, these therapeutic approaches can unlock the emotional freedom many men need to live more authentic, fulfilling and connected lives.
Men and emotional repression: The masculine shadow
The “masculine shadow”, refers to the parts of a man’s psyche that have been pushed out of awareness – hidden or denied due to societal pressures or personal trauma. These shadow elements include not only uncomfortable emotions that a man may wish to keep hidden from view but also golden parts of the self that many men feel they cannot express. Confidence, spontaneity, playfulness, sensitivity, creativity, or a desire for deep connection can be pushed into shadow for fear of rejection, hurt or shame.
Instead of being integrated, the positive shadow aspects can instead manifest as their negative polarities of anxiety, anger, depression, relationship problems, low self-esteem, self-sabotaging behaviours or the sense that ‘I am just not being me in my life’. A man might notice he becomes extremely angry in certain situations, perhaps when he feels disrespected or things don’t go his way. Through therapy, he recalls that he was always given the message to toughen up whenever he expressed sadness or vulnerability. His father or other male role models reinforced the idea that anger was the only acceptable masculine emotion while sadness, fear or insecurity were signs of weakness. These unacceptable emotions would then be pushed into shadow.
Shadow work is the process of balancing internal polarities and bringing these repressed or rejected parts of the self into conscious awareness. By acknowledging and integrating the shadow, men can transform unhealthy patterns of behaviour into personal growth and self-acceptance.
What is shadow work?
Shadow work is an intense therapeutic practice that involves exploring and embodying the unconscious aspects of oneself – the emotions, traits, and experiences that have been suppressed or rejected. For instance, when working with depression, we might discover that the depression is there because anger has been suppressed into shadow. We then activate and connect to this split-off anger and express it physically and verbally. This can lead to an honouring and integration of a man’s anger which can lift the powerlessness of the depression.
I have been fortunate to both experience and facilitate shadow work within the organisation ‘The Mankind Project’ (MKP). This is a non-profit organisation set up to support men to be the most balanced and authentic expression of themselves. I also integrate shadow work into my practice with individuals privately, as well as with groups in The Priory Hospital, as part of the addiction treatment programme. When addictive patterns of behaviour are identified, they often reveal themselves as the shadow of trauma, of trying to cope with turmoil and pain.
The journey may be challenging, but it is ultimately one of profound personal growth, self-acceptance, and healing.
I feel that the most important aspect of this work is learning to face your shadow with compassion, rather than judgment. Instead of criticising yourself for having negative emotions or traits, shadow work teaches you to accept these parts as natural aspects of being human. Over time, you can reframe the parts of yourself you’ve rejected. For example, anger might be reframed as a signal that your boundaries have been crossed or that you have unresolved trauma and a part of you is actually needing support and reassurance.
Exercise:
Answer the following 10 questions to help uncover the hidden aspects of yourself. These questions can bring repressed emotions, traits, and beliefs to the surface for witnessing, healing and integration:
- What triggers strong emotional reactions in me? Why do I feel this way?
- What qualities do I dislike or judge in others? Could these be reflections of something I dislike in myself?
- In what areas of my life do I feel like I’m “faking it” or wearing a mask?
- How did I cope with failure, rejection, or emotional pain as a child or teenager? Do I still use the same coping mechanisms now?
- Were there any parts of my personality that were shamed or rejected in my childhood? How do I handle these parts of myself as an adult?
- What beliefs do I hold about myself that limit my potential? Where did those beliefs come from?
- What do I believe I need to achieve or be in order to be loved, accepted, or valued by others?
- What do I fear people would think of me if they knew the “real” me?
- How can I nurture and care for the parts of me that have been neglected or ignored?
- What changes can I make in my daily life to be more authentic and true to myself?
What is EMDR therapy?
Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a structured therapy that helps individuals target, process and resolve specific traumatic memories that have shaped their emotional lives and led to the development of their shadow. Through EMDR the brain is able to reprocess these memories and reduce their emotional charge.
The combination of EMDR and shadow work can help men break free from deeply ingrained emotional patterns and beliefs, such as addiction, allowing them to access and heal the unresolved parts of their psyche.
How shadow work and EMDR work together
While shadow work and EMDR are distinct therapeutic methods, I believe that they complement each other beautifully in helping men heal their emotional wounds. Shadow work often begins by identifying repressed emotions, negative patterns, and parts of the self that have been denied. In EMDR, clients focus on the aspect of the distressing memories that created the suppression and denial of these aspects of self. For example, a man who feels unworthy or powerless might uncover childhood memories of being abused.
Through EMDR, these painful memories of abuse can be reprocessed, reducing their emotional intensity and transforming the beliefs associated with them. As these memories lose their charge, the shadow material and behavioural patterns connected to them – such as feelings of shame or inadequacy and behaviours of avoidance as well as the exiled feelings of being ‘good enough’ and behaviours of confidence – can surface and seek balance.
Once trauma is processed through EMDR, shadow work can focus on integrating the hidden parts of the self that were formed as a result of that trauma. For instance, a man who always felt the need to be “tough” may discover that beneath this tough exterior lies a vulnerable side that was never allowed to surface. Or a man who has felt the need to hide, who may have felt vulnerable, can find the energy and healthy anger to develop and maintain secure boundaries enabling him to express himself assertively. By integrating this vulnerability or anger, a man can balance the opposites and begin to embrace his full emotional range.
I believe that combining shadow work with EMDR offers men a unique and powerful path toward emotional healing and self-integration. By addressing repressed emotions, processing unresolved trauma, and challenging societal expectations, these approaches can help men reclaim their true selves and live more authentic, emotionally fulfilling lives. The journey may be challenging, but it is ultimately one of profound personal growth, self-acceptance, and healing.