How do I forgive myself or someone else?

Forgiveness is the making peace with injustice, hurt or pain of the self or other. I would question the assumption that it is important to forgive. How someone processes their hurt is very personal, and often at the root is anger and sadness. 

Understanding forgiveness

These emotions often need to be acknowledged, witnessed and respected. If they are suppressed with premature forgiveness, they can turn on the self as depression, self-criticism and low self-esteem. 

There is power in integrating anger, as this can be where we can form boundaries, remove the self from dangerous situations or protest for safer conditions. It's important to look at who is asking for forgiveness and how aligned their interests are with the victim. Is it a counsellor whose belief is that forgiveness heals? Is it a persecutor looking to maintain an abusive relationship with a victim, is it a group in society looking to maintain a status quo they believe serves them?

Can forgiving others lead to better mental and physical health? 

Forgiveness can lead to peace and healing if it is the right time for that person to forgive. Trying to forgive before a person is ready can bring feelings of shame and failure, which can be detrimental to a person's mental and physical health. 

Forgiveness is often not a binary before-and-after process. Like most internal processes, it is more like a spiral that comes back around to the wound, shifting and changing over time. Sometimes there can be peace, other times there can be anger, rage, sadness and bitterness.

How can we cultivate forgiveness?

Instead of cultivating forgiveness, we can be cultivating self-compassion with all the parts of self that are present at any one time. As psychologist David Bedrick says, we can experiment with 'unshaming' these parts and learning from the messages and wisdom they hold for someone instead of trying to punish and banish them. 

Are there any strategies or techniques that people can use to improve their capacity for forgiveness?

Letting go of the idea that forgiveness is a goal for self-improvement and happiness can free someone to reach a state of forgiveness when they are ready to.

Can forgiving oneself have a positive impact on well-being, and how can someone begin to forgive themselves?

Looking at all the parts of self that are feeling angry, bitter, resentful, hurt, scared and unsafe. Giving them a loving space to be seen and explored can provide opportunities to shift a person's relationship with themselves. 

What are some of the potential barriers to forgiveness, and how can someone overcome them?

Shame is a barrier to forgiveness as it can block the exploration of challenging feelings. It's this exploration of anger, resentment, sadness and bitterness that can lead to feelings of forgiveness. 

How does forgiveness help people cope with negative emotions like anger, resentment, and bitterness?

I would say that rather than forgiveness helping with challenging emotions, it's the validation of emotions such as anger, resentment and bitterness that can lead to a relationship with forgiveness.  

Are there any downsides or risks associated with forgiveness, and how can someone avoid them?

The risks with forgiveness are trying to make someone forgive or 'let go' before they are ready to, and someone may never be ready to. Anger that is harnessed and integrated by someone may be a driving force for change in that person's life and society. Letting go of that may put that person and society in danger again. 

How can someone practice forgiveness in their everyday life?

What someone practices in everyday life needs to be explored first, rather than dictated. Practising forgiveness and letting go might not be right for someone to practice every day. Trying to practice something every day that is not right for someone can lead to shame, which can often be a block to peace, forgiveness and integrated anger.  

What are some additional resources or tools that people can use to cultivate forgiveness and enhance their overall well-being?

Art can be a powerful portal for understanding the self, so I will leave you with this poem:

 'The Guest House' by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.