How did I end up in the same relationship again?

There is nothing quite as disappointing as finding yourself in the same unhappy relationship again. In the beginning, it does feel different. There is something about them, the chemistry, that feels right. You lower your defences and open your heart once again.  

Then something changes, creeping in bit by bit, until you find yourself feeling unsure, questioning yourself: are you doing something wrong? Why does this not feel good anymore? 

If this sounds familiar, you are certainly not alone. Many of my clients describe this same story playing out with different partners. It all starts so well, and yet time and time again ends up somewhere that feels unsafe. 

When familiar feels like home

As children, we need our caregivers to survive.  We must adapt quickly from a young age and learn how relationships work. These ideas are taken into our core sense of self, often out of awareness. For example, if a parent, perhaps a father figure, was harsh, critical, unpredictable, or frightening, that can become our blueprint for how people are in relationships – it feels normal. We learn how to ‘adapt’ to this angry presence, perhaps by keeping ourselves small, or overly pleasing, or perfectly behaved.

Familiar may feel safe, even when it isn’t. Knowing someone is going to erupt can feel strangely comforting. Being with someone kind, on the other hand, can feel scary or unbelievable. A calm, kind, consistent partner might even feel boring or give us the ‘ick’ simply because it feels so unfamiliar. Whereas someone unpredictable and volatile can feel a lot like chemistry.

Repeating to repair

Freud noticed this pattern among his patients and called it the “repetition compulsion”. This pattern showed that patients would repeat old patterns of relationships again and again as an attempt to go back and finally put right what once went wrong.

This is almost always done outside of awareness. There’s a longing for this time to be different. If I am better, more loving, more perfect, maybe this time I’ll be loved. It’s as though we keep returning to the same story, hoping for a different ending.

In transactional analysis, we might see this as our “script” playing out (a kind of life story we began writing as children, based on early decisions about ourselves, others, and the world, often outside of conscious awareness). Without realising it, we can cast the people in our lives now into the roles that belong to important figures from our past, hoping to finally work the old story out. But because we see the present through the lens of the past and miss what’s in front of us, the original story keeps replaying.  

In therapy, we gently explore these early decisions and look at new options, so that a different choice can be made. 

Understanding, not blaming

Exploring this isn’t about blame. Many parents who behaved this way were repeating what they experienced themselves. You may still love them, feel loyal to them, or feel sorry for them, while also recognising how deeply their behaviour affected you. We can hold love for them, whilst recognising there was also an impact.  

That said, for some, what happened was abuse, and understanding where it came from would never excuse it. There is no expectation to forgive. Whatever you feel is valid, and therapy is a space to make sense of it at your own pace.

Change is possible

Once we bring these patterns into our awareness, we can make a different choice. Therapy can offer a safe space to gently explore together where your patterns came from and how the past might be showing up in your relationships today.

Change often happens not just through understanding, but through experiencing a different kind of relationship: one that is consistent, respectful, and safe. The therapeutic relationship offers a place to explore these earlier adaptations. The ways you learned to survive have got you this far. Perhaps now it’s time to write a different ending and to discover the kind of love you deserve.