How counselling helped me come to terms with discrimination

I came to the UK at the age of seven with my mum; it was just the two of us, and the world seemed like a scary place to me. I remember always being scared and fearful of everything and everyone. Looking back, I think I was feeding off the feelings and emotions that were being passed down from my mum, who I imagine was feeling all these things.

My mum is of that generation that doesn’t really talk about what it was like for her settling into a new country. She always says how lucky we were to be able to start all over again, and, therefore, I talk to her about what it was like for me growing up – a brown skinned boy in a sea of white faces.

When I started counselling, I was seeking a safe space for me to be able to unpack all these feelings that I had bottled up inside me for such a long time. I wanted to understand myself and get to the bottom of why I would sometimes be triggered by something that happened to me now, as an adult, and all of a sudden get feelings of anxiety.

I don’t remember feeling discriminated against until I was sent to boarding school at the age of eleven. I thought I was one of the lucky ones because I was able to obtain a scholarship to go there, but it was soon evident to me that I was one of three boys there that wasn’t white. To top things off, it was a military boarding school. The boys my age were a close bunch, and we got along well and always had each other’s backs. But I remember distinctly one day when we were marching on the parade and we all had to stop to do a salute, the major (who was in his sixties) pointed out from the top of the square, "That coloured boy is out of place", and the whole school looked to see that it was me who was appearing to be out of line.

Afterwards, the boys came to ask me if I was OK and because I was so embarrassed about what had happened, I brushed it off, saying that I was fine as I did not want any more attention coming my way. That night, I cried myself to sleep and remember feeling sad, alone and with no one to turn to and rely upon.

I often look back at that day and how it had such a profound effect on me. It makes me sad that until this day, I had no one to speak to about what had happened to me, and I realise now that it must have been traumatic for me to go through all those emotions alone with no one to cry to.

Now, as a counsellor, I think of what it must feel like to feel the heat of discrimination. A good counsellor will show empathy by listening, acknowledging and validating those experiences with their clients. Counselling can help people to walk this journey of pain and discovery with the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel through acceptance and understanding.

The funny thing is: as a child, you don’t necessarily understand words like 'discrimination', 'intersectionality' or being 'othered'. All you’re aware of is what it makes you feel, and in my case, I felt insular. Counselling helped me to understand these feelings, as I was able to talk about them to someone who could be objective. As I talked, my counsellor would validate my experience and express how difficult it must have been for me and that no child should have to go through what I did, which made me feel better, but moreover, I started to blame myself less. This seemed like a strange concept to me. I never thought in those days that I was to blame, but unpacking my story gave me the insight and clarification I needed.

A counsellor will actively listen to their clients with empathy as they tell their stories of childhood discrimination, and validate their stories by reflecting on their experience and letting them know that what happened to them in the past must have been traumatic. They let them know that it isn’t right that a child should have to experience any kind of discrimination and how tragic it must have been that at the time, there was no one who stood up for them, because essentially, isn’t that what we all wanted and needed? Someone to say, ‘Hey, that’s not right,’ but when no one does, that child is left feeling like the whole world is on their shoulders.

Through counselling, I was able to challenge my core beliefs and work on my automatic responses. I was able to understand that at times when I perceive there to be danger ahead, my nervous system goes into a fight or flight mode, and therein, I realised, was the root cause of my anxiety.

I would love to say that I’m all healed now and nothing fazes me anymore, but that’s not true. It was only last year when I applied for a credit card and had to go through facial identification, and then got declined the application when, at the same time, my partner did exactly the same thing and got his approved, that I was brought back to being that eleven year old boy again, standing on the parade ground and being singled out.

The part of me that showed up that day was the lost child, and I convinced myself that the reason I didn’t get the card was because I wasn’t white. My counsellor suggested that perhaps it had something to do with their system and nothing to do with me whatsoever. Later on that day, I tried again, and three days on, I was accepted. It made me sad to think that small triggers can still send me spiralling, and I know that I still have some work to do, but I am confident that I am getting there, one step at a time.

As a person-centred counsellor, I truly believe that happiness comes from within; the road to this fulfilment comes from an understanding of oneself coupled with acceptance and self-awareness. My own journey started with the ability to speak my truth and tell my story the way I experienced it. In person-centred counselling, we talk a lot about acceptance. I believe that this was key to my growth. Apart from getting full memory loss, we won’t ever forget what happened to us and in a way, nor should we have to.

The experiences of our past are part of who we are and form our identity. Without going through those experiences, can we truly say we would be the person we are today? There’s that saying, ‘What doesn’t break you just makes you stronger,’ and I wonder if there is some truth in that? Certainly, for me, I was able to take my childhood trauma and turn my experience into strength and growth. From the adversities of being bullied and called names, I was able to forgive people, as I believe that everyone is on their own path of discovery, and that’s their journey, and it is important for me to stay on mine.

As I write this article, the Reform party in the UK have just won many councils across the country, including in the area I live in. It’s hard not to feel a certain way about what is happening when you hear that their slogan is ‘Stop the boats’, and I am sitting here wondering how others who live in this country and who come from a diverse background are taking the news and what that must feel like. I wanted to share my story, and remember, if you need to talk, please reach out to a professional.