How being a people pleaser holds you back in life

Do you often find yourself navigating complex relationships and social dynamics, feeling like you’re constantly trying to keep everyone happy? If so, chances are you’ve fallen into the trap of people-pleasing. We often believe that saying “yes” all the time, putting others first, or avoiding conflict is the kind and selfless way to be. After all, it seems to gain approval and maintain harmony, right? However, being a people pleaser can have long-term consequences that hold us back both personally and professionally.

During my counselling training, while diving deep into self-exploration, I had a life-changing 'light bulb moment' that shifted a complex sibling relationship for the better. I realised that my people-pleasing behaviour, which I thought was an act of kindness, was actually creating a cycle of resentment, frustration, rejection, and disappointment.

What I discovered was that my people-pleasing was not always caring or selfless - it was actually an unintentional, self-serving and manipulative strategy. It's a way of managing others' perceptions, securing approval, and avoiding negative outcomes. By putting conditions on our relationships, people-pleasing can mean giving with the expectation of receiving in return rather than engaging in genuine, unconditional connections.

Let’s explore how being a people pleaser can hold you back from growing into the person you truly want to be and look at some ways to break free from this cycle.

The pressure of constant approval

As a people pleaser, your sense of worth often becomes tied to the approval of others. That constant need for validation can be draining, and before you know it, you’re making choices that don’t really align with your true values or desires. Instead of chasing what really makes you happy, you might find yourself living based on what others expect of you. It’s exhausting and, over time, it creates this internal tug-of-war - leaving you feeling drained, unsure of who you are, and disconnected from yourself.

Sound familiar? Take a moment to ask yourself: How often are you making decisions based on what you want versus what others expect of you? If it’s the latter,” it might be time to dive into what truly matters to you and start living from a place of authenticity.

The fear of conflict and the loss of boundaries

As a recovering people pleaser, I know how tempting it is to go to great lengths to avoid conflict - even when it means ignoring your own needs and feelings. That fear of confrontation often leads us to let go of our personal boundaries, allowing others to take advantage of our generosity and kindness. Over time, this can cause resentment, frustration, and burnout as you find yourself overwhelmed by everyone else's demands while neglecting your own well-being.

So, where in your life do you consistently say “yes” to others, even when it’s not in your best interest? If you’re nodding, it’s time to start setting small boundaries. Begin practicing how to assert your needs and desires - without the guilt.

Missed opportunities for personal growth

When you’re always focused on meeting the needs of others, it’s easy to overlook the opportunities that could help you grow and develop. I’ve been there, and I know how easy it is to put your own goals, ambitions, and self-care on the back burner. But here’s the thing - constantly neglecting yourself can prevent you from moving forward in your life, from pursuing passions, and from building the meaningful relationships you truly deserve. When you prioritise everyone else over your own growth, you limit your potential and hold back the life you truly want to create.

Take a moment now to reflect on your own aspirations and goals. What have you put on hold for the sake of others? If you’ve been putting yourself last, maybe it’s time to start prioritising your own growth and well-being.

Low self-esteem and burnout

Ironically, the more we try to please others, the more our sense of self-worth can take a hit. Constantly seeking approval and feeling like you're never doing enough can make you feel inadequate and lead to low self-esteem. Over time, this can spiral into emotional exhaustion and burnout as you keep giving without getting the affirmation or recognition you need. When you neglect your own self-care and fail to honour your own needs, you end up feeling drained and unappreciated.

So, let me ask you this: Do you feel valued for who you truly are or only for what you can do for others? It’s crucial to build a sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on others’ approval if you want to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing. It's not to be mistaken for not caring what others think, but caring more about what you think!

How can we break free from people-pleasing?

It requires a shift in both mindset and behaviour. It’s not easy, but it’s absolutely possible. Here are some practical steps to help you get started:

Develop self-awareness

The first step is noticing when you’re falling into those old patterns of people-pleasing. Pay attention to those moments when you put others’ needs ahead of your own. Ask yourself why you’re doing this, and take note of how it feels.

Set healthy boundaries

Start small. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being selfish - it means you’re prioritising your well-being. Saying “no” doesn’t make you a bad person; it helps you protect your energy and focus on your own needs.

Practice self-compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you offer to others. It's OK to make mistakes, and you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love and respect. Remember: you’re human, and that’s enough.

Seek support

Whether that’s through self-help or counselling to explore the deeper reasons behind your behaviour, you can gain the tools you need to create healthier relationships.

A journey toward authenticity

People-pleasing might seem like an easy way to keep the peace or gain approval, but in the long run, it holds you back from living an authentic, fulfilling life. By learning to value yourself, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritising your own growth, you can begin to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. When you nurture that relationship, it empowers you to show up more authentically in all your other relationships, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

If you’ve found yourself trapped in the cycle of people-pleasing, it’s never too late to make a change. Start small, be kind to yourself, and take it one step at a time. The journey to authenticity starts with recognising your worth and embracing the freedom to live life on your terms.