Healthy ways to help you cope with grief

Grief is all the thoughts and feelings you have after a loved one dies.  You can also have grief over all sorts of things, for example, the loss of a business, job, or beloved pet.  Many people who are grieving have all sorts of thoughts and feelings, ranging from sadness, anger and regret, to shock, numbness and denial.

The loss of a loved one

For those of you who are grieving the loss of a loved one, it’s an extremely intense process. Many clients have said after a few months they feel like they’re just going crazy, or they worry that they’re never going to feel like themselves again.

Here are 10 healthy ways to help yourself through your grief:

1. Be patient

Many people are surprised by how long moving through the grief process takes.  You don’t ever move on after someone you love has died. They were a significant part of your life and you will probably be forever changed having lost them.

Many clients come in after a few months of grieving and say "This is taking too long, shouldn’t I be through this by now"? In such cases, it is important to remind them that they were with their partner for a very long time and it’s going to take time to move through their grief.

People feel grief sometimes in their stomachs, they get a lot of tension in their shoulders, they want to sleep all the time, or they’re having trouble sleeping. This is just because your mind is trying to process the enormity of the loss. It’s going to take time, probably longer than you think, so try and be as patient with yourself as you can.

2. Ask for help and support

If you are grieving or you want to support someone who is grieving, ask for help and support.  Many of us struggle with asking for help. We feel like we should be able to do everything, however, when you’re grieving you are not going to be able to function in the same way you did before. You might not have as much energy, or have a hard time concentrating and staying focussed. Tell people what you need. Say yes if someone offers to cook for you or pick up your children from school. It’s not selfish to do this – you might just need extra help for a little while.

3. Find a grief support group 

Many people benefit from talking to people who are going through something similar to them. At first, they thought they would be nervous to share in front of other people, but they are usually small groups (i.e. 5-12 people). It is helpful to be around other grieving people who actually get it and know what you are going through.

4. Let yourself cry

If you are grieving, now is the time to let those feelings and emotions out.  Don’t try and hold them in.  Crying is not a sign of weakness.  Grief is not one of those things that’s just going to go away if you keep yourself really busy or active. If you are feeling overwhelmed with sadness or any other difficult feelings, go ahead and let yourself cry.

5. Don’t overdo it

Grieving people are often feeling overwhelmed just by their feelings, memories and thoughts, so you might have to cut back on what you’re used to doing.  You may have to ask for some help, delegate some of the tasks you usually do, and really take it easy. Many grieving people need to sleep more.  They need more rest in general because it is a lot of work to grieve.

6. Don’t make any huge decisions

Don’t make any huge decisions while you are grieving, for example, moving house or starting a new relationship. Now is the time to focus all your energy on healing and getting through your grief in healthy ways.

7. Practice self-care

Go ahead and book a massage if you can, get extra sleep, and make time to do things that make you feel calm and relaxed. Maybe do a little bit of reading or take a hot bath. Do whatever you need to do just to get through the day-to-day because grieving is really challenging. Sometimes it really helps to be around people who are easy to be with.

8. Take it easy

Grieving people will often say "I can’t believe it, I feel like I used to get so much done in the day, but now I’m hardly doing anything". They might also say that they have forgotten something, or they can’t concentrate.  It is really normal for people to feel this way when they are going through emotional upheaval. A lot of people are going through a process of re-identifying who they are and what they do in the world without their loved ones with them anymore.

9. Memorialise

Some people can find really helpful to start to memorialise the person who has died. You might want to look at pictures of them, make scrapbooks, write letters, make collages etc.  It’s really lovely to be able to do this with the presence of a witness (e.g. a counsellor), someone who can be there when feelings might come up. Some people say it’s too hard to look at the pictures, it’s too painful; they don’t want them around at all. Other people say I have to look at the picture every day, so it really is individual.

10. Go to grief counselling

Many places like hospices offer grief counselling, as well as some employee assistance programmes via your employee. You may be able to get therapy or counselling through your insurance, or you may have to pay for it.

Talking about how you feel with someone who can give you time and space to move through all the different feelings of grief can help prevent you from getting stuck and/or becoming depressed.  You need someone who can be there, just to listen to all the things you are going through.