Grieving an abusive parent: grief and complicated relationships

The ancient proverb, ‘Do not speak ill of the dead,’ is an interesting one. Why can’t we be honest when we talk about how a deceased person treated us during their lifetime? How can it be that death elevates a person to a position of being beyond reproach? Meaning we must only remember their good qualities and gloss over the bad? What if they didn’t have any good qualities? Or if they did, you never got to see them?

In this scenario, should we then default to another famous proverb, ‘If you haven’t got anything nice to say, then don’t say it’? I disagree, and I think there is a lot of unprocessed grief and pain stuck inside many people, crying out to be witnessed. If you grew up in an abusive household, the thought of, ‘telling’ on the abusive parent may feel extremely unsettling and scary, as you might have been well-trained in keeping up appearances.

What is complicated grief?

In this article, I want to consider how those who grew up in abusive and neglectful homes navigate the death of parents or step-parents, and the subsequent aftermath of feelings and emotions that follow. The nationwide charity, Cruse Bereavement Support, defines complicated grief as: 

The death of an abusive parent is a watershed moment; they are no longer physically here, but for many people, they continue to live in their minds for decades after. The death of a parent may stir up many emotions; it’s the finality of it. It can be a very confusing and emotionally exhausting time to navigate. The hope of getting that hug, reconciliation or apology dies along with the parent. There really will be no closure or happy ending now. It all remains unfinished. They are gone, but for many people, they are not forgotten. It is an inheritance no one wants, but many people get saddled with it.  

The aftermath

A lot of abuse in childhood is shrouded in secrecy; the child is trained through fear, threats and a feeling of not being believed, so they feel unable to speak up. For many, they will think that what goes on in their family home is normal due to not having a wider frame of reference, and it is only once they get older that they start to reflect on and question what took place. Abuse can seem normal to the abused because they might not realise that other people's parents do not behave in that way.

The aftermath of the death can be incredibly difficult. Especially, if your parent was very popular and charismatic to the wider world, whilst at home they were cruel and frightening. You may feel completely blindsided by the outpouring of grief and the eulogising of this individual who appears to have been adored by extended family, friends and colleagues. Who is this person they all talk about? You never saw that side of them.

The parent might still lurk in your mind. Their voice might appear in your head with a critical remark when you look in the mirror or apply for a promotion, for example. As life moves on after death, you continue to experience flashbacks or remember the things they did. You cannot confront them, and you possibly didn’t confront them whilst they were still alive, but the difference now is that the option has been taken away from you.

You are holding on to it all inside. Alongside trying to process the death of the parent, you may also be experiencing feelings of loss and sadness for the childhood that you missed out on. The ruined family events and the lack of safety and peace. The years spent retreating to your bedroom, in search of some respite, trying to stay under the radar.

Complicated grief can leave you feeling stuck, lonely and isolated. You might scold yourself for not being able to ‘put the past behind you’; you try, but you can’t, and that’s completely normal and understandable. Therapy can help you to stop giving yourself such a hard time.

How can counselling help?

When working with clients who have experienced complicated grief, it's vital to offer a warm, empathic space where the client can speak openly and honestly. It’s OK to speak, the so-called ‘unspeakable’. Society lays down lots of unspoken rules about what’s appropriate and what isn’t; the moral instructions we absorb are embedded in families, institutions, and the media. Ask yourself, who benefits from the truth not being told? Is it convenient for others if you keep your mouth shut? What about you in all of this? 

There is still a stigma around people not having loving and close relationships with their parents. If you have tried to confide in friends, you may have found that people are shocked or react to your pain in a well-meaning but clumsy way; in fairness to those people, your honesty may be overwhelming or even triggering for them.

A lot of people will not be able to comprehend you not getting on with your parents; some may try to placate you with the old trope of, ‘I’m sure they did their best’, or minimise your pain. These responses can leave you feeling shamed and isolated. Counselling can provide a therapeutic space where you can verbalise your feelings and emotions in an honest way. You can speak of your relief that your parent is dead, you can say that you did not like them or that their behaviour was cruel and bullying. 

The therapeutic space is confidential and non-judgmental. You may hold conflicting views about your parent; perhaps they were kind and loving at times, but could then switch and become terrifying. This can feel so confusing; you loved them, but you also feared them. Remember, a child is biologically driven to attach to their primary caregiver from birth, so don't feel ashamed of your repeated attempts at trying to please them or gain their love and approval.

Bereavement counselling provides a space to release and get your voice heard. Working through complicated grief can have a transformative effect on a person. Sometimes, voicing and naming those powerful feelings and emotions can weaken their grip on you and allow for respite and an increased capacity for healing. The death could have occurred a few months ago or decades ago; it is never too late to embark on your path to healing.