Grief is more than sadness

Have you ever felt like grief was taking over your whole body, not just your emotions? Maybe your chest felt heavy, or you couldn’t catch your breath. Maybe your stomach felt in knots, or your body ached with exhaustion.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not imagining things.

How loss affects your nervous system and body

Grief doesn’t just live in our hearts - it lives in our nervous system, in our muscles, in the way we breathe, in how we experience the world. It’s more than sadness. It’s a full-body experience, one that can leave us feeling physically drained, anxious, or even numb. And yet, so often, we’re expected to “push through” or “move on” without ever understanding what’s actually happening inside us.

If you’ve ever wondered why grief can feel like a punch to the gut or why you’re so exhausted even though you’re doing less, let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about what grief really does to us - and how we can begin to heal.

The science behind grief and the nervous system

Grief isn’t just an emotion - it’s a stress response. When we experience a deep loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or even a loss of identity, our nervous system registers it as a threat.

Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, a grief researcher and neuroscientist, explains that grief disrupts the brain’s predictive coding - essentially, the way we expect the world to be. When someone we love is suddenly gone, our brain struggles to comprehend this new reality, leading to a stress response that floods our body with cortisol and adrenaline.

That’s why grief can make your heart pound, your stomach twist, or your body tremble. Your nervous system is trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn: Nervous system responses to grief

Ever felt restless after a loss, like you couldn’t sit still? Or maybe you shut down completely, feeling detached and numb? These are nervous system responses to grief, and they can show up in different ways:

• Fight - You feel irritable, short-tempered, or angry. You might snap at people or feel like everything annoys you.
• Flight - You feel restless, like you need to do something. Maybe you throw yourself into work or distractions to avoid feeling the grief.
• Freeze - You feel numb, detached, or like you’re watching life happen without fully participating. It’s like your body has pressed pause.
• Fawn - You focus on other people’s needs, making sure they’re OK, while ignoring your own pain.

Sound familiar? It’s not weakness. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you.

Why grief feels like anxiety (and sometimes panic)

One of the most surprising things about grief is how much it can mimic anxiety. Have you ever woken up with a racing heart, unable to shake a sense of dread? Or found yourself panicking for no reason?

Grief can send your nervous system into overdrive, making it feel like danger is everywhere. This is especially true if the loss was sudden or traumatic. Your body doesn’t just grieve - it reacts.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a leading grief counsellor, describes grief as a full-body process: “Grief is not just something you feel emotionally. It is something you experience physically, cognitively, socially, and spiritually.”

Common physical symptoms of grief

• Exhaustion - Even if you’re sleeping, you may feel like you’re running on empty.
• Brain fog - Struggling to focus? Forgetting things? That’s grief, too.
• Tight chest or shortness of breath - It can feel like there’s a weight on your chest, making it hard to breathe deeply.
• Digestive issues - Nausea, stomach pain, or even changes in appetite can all be grief-related.
• Body aches - Your muscles might feel sore, like you’ve been carrying something heavy all day.

If you’re nodding along, thinking yes, that’s me, know that you’re not alone. Your body is grieving just as much as your heart is.

Why grief can make you feel disconnected

One of the hardest things about grief is how isolating it can feel. People might expect you to “get back to normal,” but what if normal doesn’t exist anymore? What if the loss has changed you?

This disconnect isn’t just in your mind. When we lose someone, our nervous system struggles to regulate itself. Dr. Stephen Porges, who developed the polyvagal theory, explains that human connection is one of the most powerful ways we regulate our nervous system. When we lose someone close to us, we lose a piece of that regulation, making us feel untethered.

That’s why grief can make us feel lonely, even in a room full of people. It’s not just missing them - it’s missing the sense of safety they provided.

Healing the nervous system after loss

So, if grief is more than sadness - if it’s something that affects our nervous system and body - how do we heal? How do we move through grief instead of getting stuck in it?

1. Let your body lead

Grief isn’t just emotional - it’s physical. So, instead of only thinking about grief, try feeling it. Movement helps release stored tension in the nervous system.

• Take a slow walk. No goal, no pressure. Just walk.
• Try gentle stretching or yoga, focusing on your breath.
• Shake out your hands or legs when you feel overwhelmed - it helps your body reset.

2. Use the power of breath

When grief tightens your chest, deep breathing can help regulate your nervous system. It won’t take the pain away, but it will tell your nervous system: I am safe.

3. Find safe connection

Grief can make us withdraw, but connection helps regulate the nervous system. Find people who allow you to grieve without rushing you to “move on.”

• A trusted friend who lets you talk (or not talk).
• A support group, either in person or online.
• A therapist who understands the body-mind connection in grief.

4. Talk to yourself like you would a friend

If a friend came to you, grieving and exhausted, you wouldn’t say, “Why aren’t you over this yet?” So why say it to yourself? Be gentle. Healing isn’t linear.

5. Give yourself permission to feel everything

Grief is messy. Some days, you might cry uncontrollably. Other days, you might laugh at something and feel guilty for it. All of it is OK.

As David Kessler, a grief expert, says, “Grief must be witnessed.” That includes witnessing it in yourself - without judgment.

You’re not broken - you’re grieving

If you take one thing from this, let it be this: You’re not weak for feeling the way you do. You’re not failing at grief. Your nervous system is responding exactly as it should to an immense loss.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean “moving on.” It means learning to carry the love and the loss together.

So, if your body feels heavy with grief, take a deep breath. Be kind to yourself. And remember, you are not alone in this.