Grief, guilt and forgiveness

Almost every client I have worked with has mentioned that they, in some way, experience feelings of guilt after someone they loved has died – the list of reasons is endless. Some of them are logical, and many of them are not. These clients have picked apart every little thing that happened with the person they have lost, “I should have done this, I should have said that” or “I shouldn’t have done this, I shouldn’t have said that”.

The reality is that we all make mistakes and say things we don’t mean and most of the time events leading up to a death are out of our control but we insist on torturing ourselves over these details. Hindsight is a powerful thing but changes nothing. All we can do is learn from it.

People will tell you not to feel guilty but this doesn’t help, just as though being told to calm down, often, does not make you calm down! Just as it’s no good for someone to tell you not to feel guilty, there is also no benefit to acting like there is nothing to feel guilty about… Sometimes there just is. But what can be done about it now? (I know this doesn’t help either).

What needs to be remembered, is that just because you feel guilty, doesn’t necessarily mean you are.

Why do we feel guilty?

The process of grief is complicated and can have a massive effect on how we think and behave. There are often so many conflicting emotions to deal with - guilt is just one of them – but can stop us from moving on through the process.

In my experience, there seems to be a natural need to blame something or someone. This could be down to the lack of control we have when it comes to death and dying. If we do not blame ourselves or someone else, then we would have to accept that a higher being, the universe or something that has all the control - with such unpredictability this is a scary thought.

So, we look to put that control onto another human being - it’s easier to deal with, right? Is it not easier to blame the doctor, another family member, the person who has died, or yourself? This way someone had control and there was someone to blame.

Forgiveness

So, with all that said - this feeling of guilt wherever it may come from is, in my opinion, something that needs to be dealt with to allow yourself to grieve properly and move forward.

Psychologists often define forgiveness as a deliberate, conscious decision to let go of feelings of resentment towards the person who has harmed you. It doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did or excuse it - it is more about deciding to let it go. As we all know, that is easier said than done.

Forgiving yourself also does not mean that all the guilt will go away - it may still be there to some extent but at a much more manageable and healthy level.

What can you do?

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you are experiencing. It is important to ride the rollercoaster of grief as naturally as possible; burying the emotion has no benefit whatsoever, it will only prolong the process and come back to bite you further down the line.

In terms of guilt, you need to embrace it and allow it to be there while you work on it. It is our instinct to try and avoid the discomfort of negative emotions. Acknowledge what you feel guilty about and face it.

You may not know exactly what you feel guilty about - you just have that feeling in your gut. You need to figure out exactly where this feeling is coming from to be able to deal with it. It may be many complex reasons, try writing it all down to make it all a bit clearer.

As I have mentioned, you are likely to be picking away at everything that happened leading up to the death, everything you did and said etc. What needs to be remembered here is that you are not a bad person and that your intentions were good. It’s that hindsight thing again!

Think back and remember what you knew then and what your intentions were. Could anything be any different knowing what you knew then? Maybe try writing down what you may have done differently. Did you have a choice?

A few more questions to consider

Are your reasons for the guilt rational? What’s the evidence? What would you say to a friend or family member who was expressing the same feelings to you? Would you tell them to forgive themselves?

A technique often used in grief work is letter writing - this usually involves writing a letter to the person who has died in the hope of dealing with and letting go of any ‘unfinished business’, telling them how you feel about them, the situation surrounding their death, anything you wanted to say but now can’t.

You can also try writing a letter to yourself as if you were the person who died. Think about what they would say to you, about what you are feeling. Would they say you are right to feel this way? Would they forgive you?

Finally, actively decide to forgive yourself, no one is perfect. Accept that everything you did at the time was the best you could do. Nobody is perfect. Let go of the self-judgement and criticism.