Grief encounters

Reflecting on 2024 and the winter months brought into my mind the topic of grief over the festive period and how Christmas can be a paradoxical experience for someone who is grieving – historically it is seen as a joyful time, surrounded by family all sitting at the table eating dinner, and unwrapping presents around the tree. Yet, for those grieving, it may feel like a huge part of that traditional image is missing.

People often think that grief around the loss of a loved one is heightened around the festive holiday – absolutely, that can be the experience for many, but the reality of grief is that the person experiencing it does not get to choose when they feel overwhelming sadness or pain, whether it be Christmas or any other day of the year. 

We also think of grief as a process that occurs for others when one person dies. If we think of grief as a response to a loss, this could come in various forms – the loss of a pet, a job, a divorce, or displacement from home. 

There are five stages of grief (this is just one concept around grief, as described by Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death And Dying) that typically arise following a loss or bereavement: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

Denial can be a survival mechanism – it can be described as feeling ‘numb’ or as if someone is living an alternate reality of what is going on: ‘Was there a mix-up or a miscommunication?’, ‘Has this person really died?’. Denial can help regulate the intensity of grief by allowing the reality of loss to develop rather than crashing in. Once the reality of the situation has come into existence, healing can begin.

Feelings of anger can be a necessary part of grieving. As a society, we are not used to expressing anger freely. Instead, we are conditioned to suppress anger in case we upset or offend others. However, because a person may feel unfamiliar with expressing anger, they may feel a loss of control over their emotions, and that can be a scary process. It is common to be angry at the person who has died and frustrated at feeling abandoned or left alone.

It is also natural to feel anger at those around you – ‘Why couldn’t this have happened to someone else?’. This can bring feelings of guilt and shame, too. There is a distinct difference between expressing anger with someone and expressing anger at someone. This is a time that can feel isolating if friends or family are unable to understand the anger a grieving person is experiencing. Talking things through with a counsellor or experienced bereavement support specialist can be helpful.

Bargaining is a deal an individual makes with themselves to cope with the situation. Questions may arise such as: ‘If I had convinced them to see a doctor sooner, maybe they would not have become unwell’, or ‘If they had left five minutes later, it wouldn’t have happened’.

Bargaining can also be a concept associated with guilt. Someone who has spiritual or religious beliefs may ask their God for relief in exchange for doing something good in the world, for example: ‘If God can bring back my partner, I promise to repent all feelings of dishonesty’. Bargaining can often be a last-ditch attempt to regain control of emotions during the grieving process. A person might feel hopeless, and this can result in the following stage:

Depression is common when grieving a loss. The earlier stages can help protect from the sadness and pain, and when these feelings start to develop, it can be a challenging time. Depression is characterised by low mood, excessive tiredness/lethargy, loss of interest in things or activities that were typically enjoyable, sleeping more or less than usual, withdrawal, and generally feeling that it is difficult to face the world at this time.

It is also common to feel like life is pointless at this time: ‘What is the point of going on?’. Often, these feelings slowly change over time and become more manageable, but it can be helpful to talk these things through with a trained professional if things start to have a significant impact on everyday life. 

Acceptance is the stage where it feels possible to say, ‘I’m going to be ok. ’ Emotions may feel more stable; that is not to say that there are not good and bad days, and it can feel like things are ‘back to square one, ’ but the good days become more frequent than the bad days. This stage is part of the emergence of a ‘new reality’, adapting and adjusting, and memories can be reflected on with happiness and intrigue. 

Often, the question is asked: ‘How long does the grieving process take?’. It varies widely from person to person depending on the circumstances surrounding the death or loss. All of the feelings described above are completely normal when experiencing loss. When they become intrusive or disruptive to daily life, it may be necessary to seek extra support.