From pain to healing: Growing up in a dysfunctional family

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can be very difficult and painful. You may have considered your family life to be normal growing up, only realising much later that things were not right, or you may have concluded early on that home was not a safe place to be. 

What do I mean by dysfunctional family? I am referring to families in which there is a breakdown in communication, lots of harsh criticism, abuse and where the children’s emotional, spiritual, and physical needs are not met. The parents are not attuned to the child and are not prioritising the child’s needs. There will be many reasons for this happening, but in this article, I want to focus on how this can impact the child. 

Dysfunctional families do not tend to communicate very much or very well. There is likely to be plenty of shouting, resentment, silent treatment and harsh criticism, but nothing gets talked about effectively, resolved or repaired. It just lingers in the air, infecting everyone. There is a lack of fundamental respect and care within the system. The children may be lacking rules and routines, as the adults have not provided this stabilising framework for them.

As they grow, the children will make mistakes or get things wrong, which is a completely normal part of learning and development, but they will be severely punished or criticised for this. This will be so bewildering for the child. It is as if they were set up to fail. As nothing gets talked about, the child is left to process their feelings alone and will possibly internalise them and blame themselves. They must be bad; they must be stupid…

Everyone in a family system is an individual with their own likes, dislikes and opinions, and this needs careful, ongoing negotiation and compromise. It is not a static process, hence why communication is key. If there is no clear communication, how can the child know what is appropriate or safe and what isn’t? Children need routines and rules, and those in dysfunctional families can lack this. Children will naturally look to their parents for love and support as they are reliant on them. If the adults are critical, angry or unavailable, the child will not turn to them for help. They will have learnt that this is not a safe option. So, who can they turn to? 

The dysfunctional family system thrives in a state of denial and secrecy. The children are well trained, often from an early age, about keeping quiet and not letting on to outsiders, what is going on at home. This can compound the child’s feelings of isolation and loneliness. 

Dysfunctional families often have a scapegoat. This is the person in the family system for whom all the blame and criticism gets directed at. Very often it is one of the children who gets assigned this role. The scapegoat child is often the one who speaks the truth. As a result, they threaten the dysfunctional family dynamics, and they must be silenced. They will be the one who innocently calls out injustice or unfair treatment, and consequently they receive harsh punishment. The adults will be in panic mode and will work as a team against the scapegoat to preserve the illusion that all is well, they are not the ones at fault, and it’s the scapegoat who is the problem. 

The scapegoat is the one with the problem, they will proclaim. The scapegoat may be labelled as difficult or argumentative. A troublemaker. They will be told who they are, they are no longer an individual with opinions, likes and dislikes. They are now the dumping ground for all the systems’ unwanted emotions and feelings that they wish to dispense of.

By having a scapegoat, the parents do not have to take a good look at themselves and their own behaviour; that would be too uncomfortable and inconvenient, so instead they dump all the icky and nasty feelings and emotions that they don’t want to take ownership of, onto the scapegoat. 

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can feel like such a betrayal. Your parents, the very people in the world that you should have been able to rely on for love, support and care, have failed you. This will bring up lots of powerful feelings and emotions. Your childhood may have left you struggling to self-regulate and with low self-esteem. You may struggle with asserting yourself and your needs. As an adult, it may have impacted your relationships with friends, partners and work colleagues.

Do you struggle to put in place emotional boundaries for yourself? Have people taken advantage of you? You may be feeling unlovable or not good enough. The lasting impact can leave you anxious or depressed. You could also be experiencing physical manifestations of your childhood experience. Muscle tension? Poor sleep? Changes to appetite?

In well-functioning families, members of the system are treated with love, care and respect. The children are given rules and boundaries and understand (in an age-appropriate way) that these boundaries are there to keep them safe. If the child has a worry or is upset, they know they can talk to their parent, and they will receive comfort and reassurance. The well-functioning family system communicates! Arguments and misunderstandings are totally normal and will happen, but they get talked through, emotions are processed, which allows for relationship repair and growth. Those who grew up in dysfunctional families miss out on this stable foundation. 

Counselling can support those who grew up in a dysfunctional family system by providing a confidential and non-judgmental space for you to talk openly about what you experienced. It is a place for you to be listened to, have your feelings validated and to experience empathy.