Forgotten children of the self-absorbed

Imagine growing up with the queen from Snow White and imagine how it would feel to be a child whose parent was trapped looking at their reflection of themselves. This is the reality for many people who have suffered at the hands of narcissistic parents.

Narcissistic parents, sometimes referred to as parents who are self-absorbed, or ones that detract from the connection of children can cause significant harm. There is a growing amount of narcissism, and this is having a significant negative effect on the population of children. I aim with this article to give you a comprehensive low down on the key concepts and ideas to help you be more informed and with that let’s dive into this essential topic.

The first thing we need to know is what are the characteristics of narcissistic parents; what do they look like? There are key characteristics and takeaways that we can observe and like all types of behaviours there is a pattern to follow:

There is a grandiosity and a rank of superiority that these parental figures will inhabit; this is always at the expense of the child as a narcissist will demand their needs are met no matter what expense that is to the child. This will always be to the child’s determinant and can bleed into basic needs. Emotional well-being does suffer on a number of fronts, primarily there is absolutely no care for their needs, and as such the only emotion that can be shown to a child is a mimicry of genuine emotion that the parent has gained through the interactions in their life and this places the child in danger in two ways. It shows them no value to emotion or regulation and also has difficulty with others sometimes without using the same tools and devices as their parents; i.e. manipulation. Their view of the world is perverted in a sense through their abusers (parents) presentation of the world leaving them unsure of what is real or trustworthy.

Control is essential for the parent as well as having contempt for the child the child will find it hard to empathise and the parent will use control such as guilt, manipulation, gaslighting and other tactics to remain in control of their child. The level of control influences each aspect of their child’s life, what they eat, and drink, who they socialise with and even parents will attempt to control the sexual development of a child by telling them what sexual orientation they should be or even whom they should mate with.

Some examples of how parents can use the power of this and how they control are belittling their child’s accomplishments that can be as simply pout as “no one wants to here from you” or as Alan Davis highlighted in his novel “Just ignore him.”

There are many psychological effects that are placed on the child through their parent’s dysfunction. The first most notable sign to witness is the destruction of confidence and that has been obliterated into subservience. The purpose of this is to create a thinking pattern of self-doubt, and constant questioning, causing them to panic and this keeps them confused and when they are confused, they are exploitable. Narcissist entities wish to avoid rebellion as their power would be diminished and power is key to the parent as all narcissistic relationships are.

Boundary issues develop and the fact that there is no connection with the outside world and the fact that these children have effectively been conditioned to meet their parent's needs. This can also have other effects on the child developing a people-pleasing persona and developing a persona that demands that they please others above themselves; this not only is detrimental to their self-esteem issues but makes them easy pickings for other hostile personalities. For example, a person may find it hard to make decisions without seeking approval from others or may struggle to form authentic relationships, because they don’t trust others easily, fearing manipulation and betrayal like they experienced in childhood.

This not only affects the person in the moment but affects them later in life and adds to the difficulty of making relationships. These children will have a sense of being abandoned and accepted as commonly as the English accept rain. They will spend more time in their own minds and be confounded with guilt as it absorbs and potentially has the capacity to become obsessional.  

Examining the potential for long-term issues we have to get a little bit more psychological and there is a potential to deal with any side effects of the abuse, these heinous reminders can be hard to shift, such as in a lack of trust with parents, always expecting manipulation; these factors alone can result in hypervigilance and mimic unpredictable behaviours.

There may be communication issues with the ability to speak due to the fact they must guard their feelings lest they cause disapproval, and this can be off-putting and detrimental to a loving relationship. Sex is also affected, this can be affected by narcissistic parents who control them and this could be holding them back using enmeshment or parentification. The idea of sexual control of a being breaks the potential of emancipation and is one of the most perverted ideals and restrictions of liberty that one human can oppose on another.

The child is through the perversion of narcissism held back and their lives made harder but the gratification and need of the parent to feed off the goodness and purity of a child. This vampiric nature forces them into servitude as effectively being placed through PTSD places them up for grabs and introduces them to a life that will not only sustain the parent but expose them to predators and inhabit their identity to be exploited by the parent and others.

We call this process of learned helplessness co-dependency. Children who are programmed to surrender their liberty through trauma, which increases depression, and anxiety, fuels attachment disorders such as anxious avoidance, and then are taught the need for someone else to be their salvation.

There is help available. The first thing I would state is if you have been a victim of parental neglect, abuse, or anything like that reading this article is a start now go forth onto the web, bring forth the knowledge and allow this to be your shield of education that will get you to see the techniques and patterns of these false parents and deceivers.

Next is boundaries and sticking to them, like the walls of Hadrian, China and Jerusalem, build them tall and impregnable set a boundary and keep it and have informed consequences if they are broken. Setting boundaries can be daunting for adult children of narcissistic parents. Start small by identifying one behaviour that consistently causes stress — like your parent calling at all hours of the day — and set a clear boundary. For example, 'Mum, I will no longer be available for phone calls after 8 p.m.' It's crucial to communicate this boundary firmly and consistently. If they violate it, enforce a consequence, such as limiting future interactions.

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can leave lasting emotional scars, but you are not alone and you can get help and support for a range of issues that narcissism creates. By acknowledging the narcissist and seeing the tricks and impact of their techniques, by gaining the courage to establish clear boundaries, and by pursuing beneficial and helpful therapy which is tailored to your needs, you can restore their self-esteem and build healthy relationships.

If you take a moment and think this reminds me of me, or someone you care about, you may suggest and think about coming to therapy. Online platforms such as Counselling Directory provide specialist therapists. We have lots of willing and dedicated professionals who can assist with the difficulties of finding the true self, building your confidence, helping with boundaries and building strong healthy relationships. Use the therapeutic process to find a meaningful and deserved purpose for you. This is what you want; not what others dictate. Allow your emancipation to grow unimpeded, as you find purpose in your true self.  

If you would like to delve further into the narcissist parent and their roles there are a few books I can recommend:

• The empathy trap - Dr Jane McGreggor and Tim McGregor
• Children of the self-absorbed – Nina W Brown
• Recovering from emotionally immature parents – practical tools to establish boundaries and reclaim your emotional autonomy - Kindsay C Gibson
• Adult Children of emotionally immature parents- how to heal from distant rejecting or self-involved parents Kindsay C Gibson