Fine at school, overwhelmed at home: neurodivergent teens

Your teenager’s school tells you they’re doing well. They’re polite, engaged and seem to be coping. Yet when they get home, you see a completely different side. They might be angry or tearful, refuse to do anything, or disappear into their bedroom and not want to talk.

For parents, it can be incredibly difficult when the child being described by school seems almost completely different from the one you see at home. For some autistic young people or young people with ADHD, however, getting through an ordinary school day can take an enormous amount of effort.

When fine at school doesn’t mean fine

I have an acronym that I sometimes use when a young person tells me everything is “fine”: Feelings Inside Need Expressing. Of course, sometimes fine really does mean fine, but sometimes it is worth being curious about what might be going on underneath.

I find that some autistic young people and young people with ADHD can spend much of their school day masking. They may feel they have to pretend that they’re OK, that they want to socialise or that things in their environment aren’t affecting them.

They may be trying to ignore the fact that the lights are too bright, the corridors are too noisy, or the classroom is too hot. At the same time, they’re trying to concentrate, interact with other people and get through their lessons without showing how difficult they’re finding it. Then they get home, the mask drops, and all of that emotion has to go somewhere.

Why can the school day be so exhausting?

There is so much for a young person to manage during an ordinary school day. Classrooms can be noisy. Corridors during lesson changes can be particularly difficult. Then there are all the unpredictable things that happen at school: a timetable change, a cover teacher, having to move classrooms or suddenly being asked to sit somewhere different.

Sometimes it’s something that might seem insignificant to somebody else. A young person might struggle with science because the room smells funny. They might hate PE because they don’t like how the uniform feels against their skin.

Then add the expected social interactions with peers and teachers, concentrating lesson after lesson, remembering the right equipment, and working out where they need to be next. And they have to manage all of this, all day. It can be absolutely exhausting.

When it all comes out at home

By the time they get home, parents might see anger, tears or emotional outbursts, or they may see the opposite: a young person who becomes silent and shuts themselves away in their bedroom.

They may simply have had enough of people. If they’ve spent the entire day surrounded by others, the last thing they want might be to come home and talk some more. If they’ve experienced sensory overload during the day, they may desperately need some quiet and space to decompress.

Homework can also be particularly difficult. I find that many neurodivergent young people like to compartmentalise. School is for school, and home is for home. Homework creates an awkward crossover between the two, and some young people really struggle with that. This is why something like a homework club at school can be particularly useful.

Parents might also notice that their child can’t seem to cope with even the smallest request when they get home. I often think about this as a bucket. Throughout the day, different stresses add to it. If your teenager hasn’t had an opportunity to release any of that stress, by the time they get home, their bucket may already be full.

You asking them to put their school bag away isn’t really the problem. It’s just one more thing going into a bucket that was already at the point of overflowing.

Looking beneath the behaviour

What parents see at home can easily look like bad behaviour. A young person might seem rude, lazy, defiant or unmotivated. But, as with all behaviour, it’s worth thinking about what it might be communicating underneath. Think of an iceberg. What we see – the anger, refusing homework, shutting themselves away – is the part above the water. There’s often much more going on underneath.

There’s also huge pressure at school to have friends and to fit in. Young people generally don’t want to feel different, and sometimes that means they won’t use the support that’s available to them.

For example, a young person might have a time-out card that they can use if they’re struggling to concentrate or finding the classroom environment overwhelming. Having permission to leave is one thing. Actually putting your hand up and using that card in front of your peers is another. Some young people would rather sit there struggling than risk looking different.

Why home can be a safe place

This can be really hard for parents, particularly when school reports that their child is an absolute angel. You can end up feeling as though school is describing a completely different child. But home is usually where their safe people are. It may be the one place where they don’t feel they have to mask quite so much and where they can finally be themselves.

Unfortunately, being someone’s safe person can sometimes mean that you’re also the person who sees everything they’ve been holding in all day. That doesn’t make the anger or difficult behaviour easy to live with, but understanding where it might be coming from can help us respond differently.

What can parents do?

One of the simplest things parents can do is give their young person some space to decompress after school.

Let them do whatever helps them regulate. That might mean going straight to their bedroom, listening to music, gaming, watching something familiar, having a snack or simply not talking for a while.

Where possible, reduce immediate demands too. The moment they walk through the door may not be the best time to tell them to put their school bag away, ask them about homework or start asking lots of questions about their day.

Predictable routines can also help. Perhaps they know that they have an hour to decompress before homework is mentioned. Dinner might be at roughly the same time each evening, followed by a familiar bedtime routine.

And sometimes a young person needs more support. If you’re noticing that things are beginning to affect school attendance, friendships, family relationships or everyday life, or your young person seems increasingly upset or withdrawn, it may be worth looking at what additional support is available.

Counselling can give a young person somewhere that is separate from both home and school. Somewhere they don’t have to get everything right or worry about how somebody else might feel about what they say. It can give them the space to begin making sense of what they’re experiencing and to find their own ways of managing things.

For parents, perhaps the most helpful starting point is simply to stay curious. The teenager who falls apart when they get home may not have had an easy day at all. They may have spent the whole day working incredibly hard just to appear fine.