Finding yourself: Late autism/ADHD/AuDHD discovery

Neurodiversity was only coined as a term in the 1990s. By then, I was a fully formed adult, my ADHD therefore unrealised and my inaccurate labels as too sensitive, anxious, disorganised, talkative were all firmly embedded into my identity. This is the experience of many people born in a time before their neurodivergence was understood as a difference in brain wiring - not a fault, just a different way of experiencing the world.

Increasingly more adults are discovering their neuro-identity in later life. As more children are diagnosed during their education years, awareness improves, and family members and friends start to be curious about their own neurodivergence. This was my experience, as a parent to an autistic son - I had my own 'but he's just like me' moments that led to my ADHD discovery (autism and ADHD have a lot of overlaps - just in case you didn't know that!).

Diagnosis or self-diagnosis can bring with it a complex mix of emotions: relief, grief, clarity and confusion.

For many people, that realisation comes after years of trying to make sense of why life seems harder for them than it does for others. This discovery can feel like a lightbulb moment, but it can come with an avalanche of things to process. Misdiagnoses, negative labels, missed opportunities, relationship difficulties, mental health struggles and more.

Understanding yourself through the lens of neurodivergence can be deeply validating and stabilising. But it can also destabilise the world around you as family, friends, partners adapt (or not) with you to this new truth.

Awareness shines a light, but with that light can come the illumination of pain. You might find yourself revisiting old hurts, school reports, careers, friendship breakdowns – seeing things as if for the first time. Neuro-affirming therapy can provide the space to explore these experiences and emotions; to support the healing of wounds and nurturing of self-compassion.

Externally, the dynamics of relationships, family life, and work may shift as you recalibrate and work out what you need in order to move forward in a way that suits you. Neuro-affirming therapy and coaching can help you develop the strategies that enable you to live the life you want to live. It can support you in self-advocacy and signpost you to resources and tools to aid focus, sensory overwhelm, task initiation, emotional regulation, executive function, social skills, etc. No more trying to make sense of things – just greater understanding, well-being and a toolkit of strategies that suit you and your brain.

Over time, awareness leads to integration. Working out what works best for you, which relationships support you and which environments help you thrive. Sustainable, person-centred and compassion-focused. 

Discovering ADHD, AuDHD and/or autism later in life can feel like both the beginning and undoing of a story all at once. It can feel overwhelming at times, but with support, you can take your time to work through things at your own pace. Small steps lead to bigger outcomes. The work of therapy and/or coaching is to help you find stability in this new space, to process experiences and begin creating your future with self-compassion and understanding.

Connecting with a neurodivergent therapist/coach can be especially helpful, as they will generally have a deeper understanding of the neurodivergent experience. Take your time to speak with more than one therapist if possible. Connection is at the heart of a beneficial therapeutic alliance that can best support you, so find your fit - it might not be the first person you speak to, and that's ok. 

From a societal perspective, every person who understands themselves more deeply helps dismantle outdated ideas about what it means to be 'normal', paving the way for others to do the same and shifting cultures towards a more human-centred, people-first world. So while no one should feel any obligation, burden or duty to do this work, it can feel pretty great to know that with every step towards awareness, self-compassion and greater inclusion, we collectively create a ripple effect around valuing difference as a fundamental part of being human.

As Harvey Blume once said, 'Neurodiversity may be every bit as crucial for the human race as biodiversity is for life in general.' In a world that didn't always understand neurodiversity, adults are coming to terms with a lifetime of misunderstanding, but perhaps also shifting towards something to celebrate - the collective strength we realise when we recognise difference as something to champion rather than something to fix.