Finding the words: how men learn to express their feelings

Some men come to therapy with a clear idea of what they want to achieve. They want to manage a difficult relationship, regain a sense of control or find a way through persistent rumination and self-doubt. Behind these immediate concerns may lie questions of identity, belonging and learned expectations.

In my work as an integrative therapist, I have become increasingly interested in how men find their way towards expressing these feelings, particularly when they have grown accustomed to presenting themselves as capable, composed and emotionally independent.

The language we already know

From an early age, many boys receive powerful messages about how they should behave. They may learn to be resilient in the face of difficulty, take responsibility for others, and demonstrate competence through their actions.

These qualities can become important sources of personal strength. Alongside them, some men learn to associate emotional openness with the possibility of criticism, rejection or a loss of standing. By adulthood, a man may have become skilled at managing life's practical demands, while having less experience describing how those demands make him feel.

A man might come to therapy wanting to understand why he struggles with motivation. As the conversation develops, he may begin to recognise how strongly his sense of self-worth is connected to achievement and to the expectations of people who mattered to him growing up. What once drove him forward may now be part of what leaves him feeling stuck.

When thinking becomes a way of managing feelings

One pattern I encounter is the urge to treat emotional discomfort as a problem to solve. A man may replay an awkward conversation for hours, examining what he said, what he could have said differently and what another person might have meant. This can create a sense of action, even as the underlying feeling remains untouched.

Let's say a man arrives wanting to stop dwelling on a disagreement at work. He remembers every detail of the exchange but struggles initially to say why it matters so much. Gradually, he connects the anxiety to a fear of being judged inadequate, and to the approval he sought growing up when he felt he had to get things right.

Persistent rumination can suggest that something more personal is at stake. A useful shift is to move from asking how to stop the thoughts to wondering what makes that moment feel so threatening.

Meeting men where they feel comfortable

An article in the November 2024 edition of BACP's Therapy Today, by Ed Harkness, explored how traditional masculine socialisation can shape men's relationships with therapy. One of its central arguments was that therapists should consider how men have learned to express themselves and create environments in which emotional openness feels comfortable.

Harkness describes initiatives that encourage emotional conversations in places where men already feel at ease, including through shared activities and everyday social encounters. A man may find it easier to describe a situation at work, the difficulties of a friendship or a personal ambition than to answer a direct question about his emotional life.

That's why I often start with the here and now: a strained relationship, a difficult decision or an interaction that keeps returning to mind. Exploring its emotional significance allows feelings to emerge at the client's pace.

Sometimes a metaphor captures an experience more effectively than conventional emotional language. A man might describe his mind as an engine that never idles. Exploring when it accelerates and what helps it slow can provide a shared way of understanding his anxiety. Talking about a relationship might similarly reveal a fear of rejection or a desire for acceptance.

For some men, the practical aspects of therapy can also offer an accessible starting point. Exploring behaviour, boundaries or goals can give therapy a collaborative purpose. As trust grows, these discussions may lead towards deeper questions about identity and emotional needs.

Creating space for vulnerability

In a setting of acceptance, clients can explore sadness, fear, anger, and shame at their own pace. Some people first approach emotions through stories, memories or physical tension.

In my practice, I sometimes draw on breathing exercises, guided imagery and periods of quiet reflection to help clients become more aware of their internal experience. Let's say a man finds it easier to describe tension in his body than to identify the feeling beneath it. When invited to sit with the sensation for a moment, he falls quiet. Sadness eventually comes into focus, though he chooses to leave it there for the day. The value of this moment lies in his growing ability to recognise the feeling and decide how far he wants to explore it.

For someone who has learned that showing emotion carries a risk of criticism or rejection, being able to decide when and how to express a feeling can itself be a significant new experience. Having that choice can build confidence in recognising and tolerating difficult feelings.

Finding a sense of self beyond expectations

One of the most rewarding aspects of this work is seeing how greater emotional awareness can influence life outside the therapy room. A man who has measured his value through achievement may begin to recognise other sources of satisfaction. Someone accustomed to supporting others may practise expressing his own preferences or setting important boundaries, even when it feels unfamiliar.

For others, progress might mean being able to tell a partner that they feel hurt, acknowledging disappointment without turning it into self-criticism or allowing themselves to grieve a loss that they have struggled to articulate.

Much of our identity develops through the expectations of families, communities and the wider culture. These expectations differ from one man to another, as do the ways he learns to express himself. Therapy offers an opportunity to examine those expectations and decide which continue to serve us. Ultimately, meeting men where they are means recognising the emotional language they already possess and helping them develop it further.

The examples in this article are fictional composites drawn from recurring themes in clinical practice, with identifying circumstances altered to protect confidentiality.