Finding inner peace in unwelcome circumstances

We all know the feeling. The cancelled flight, the botched haircut, the meticulously prepared-for meeting no one showed up to… It’s the frustration, irritation, even anger or rage as we see we are powerless to control our circumstances, however ‘negative’ they may be.

Of course no one is going to like hospital appointments, being stuck in traffic or being late for work and more often than not, we don’t have a choice when these things show up in our lives. What we do have a choice over, however, is how we react to them. And so this will be the subject of this article. How can we remain calm and at peace despite the challenging circumstances all of us face from time to time?

How bad is it really?

Many times when bad things happen, it is the stories we tell ourselves that make them feel so much worse. If we get a flat tyre on the way to visiting family, this will be a cause for great distress if we imagine the inconvenience our being late will cause. We may have associated the visit with something pleasurable and so assume that this being obstructed will lead to suffering instead, when actually, it may be that we would have had a far better time by the side of the road than in our in-laws’ living room.

We have so many ideas of what we think will make us happy, and so when things don’t go entirely to plan, we assume we will be miserable. This is usually the case, but only as it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are so convinced being late to work will cause us stress, that being late to work becomes a stressful experience in itself.

Of course that’s not to say we can’t still have preferences or things we would rather do or not do. We just don’t need to attach so much meaning to them, or have our inner peace and happiness be dependent on them in the same way. If we really stop and consider, it is 99% of the time the stories we tell ourselves about what is happening that is the cause of our unhappiness. As William Shakespeare once said “nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” How can we develop our ability to be more accepting of what is happening and not be so quick to label it as ‘bad’?

Trust 

When we are able to fully trust life, there is no longer the old resistance or frustration when things we might have previously seen as ‘bad’ show up for us.

Many of us do not really trust life. We may have grown up in environments where things happened to make us feel bad that we couldn’t understand, and so we shut down the part of ourselves that is open to and welcoming of all experiences.

As a way to stay safe, we began to label and judge things, as well as try and control our external environment, to stop the ‘bad things’ from happening. If only we could behave in a particular way, perhaps then things would be OK. It gave us a sense of being in control of our lives, which allowed us to function more effectively. However, it also shuts down our natural spontaneity and sense of inner peace. Living in this way is to be constantly on guard for any perceived external threats. We do not trust ourselves or our ability to respond effectively to life. It is like living in ‘fight or flight’ mode and makes no difference to our ability to cope when unwelcome circumstances do arise. If anything, it makes them all the more challenging as we are already in a state of stress or anxiety and so much less likely to act calmly and proportionately.

How therapy can help

It is possible to feel at peace with whatever life may throw at us, and it all comes down to trusting ourselves and trusting life. When we come to know who we are, through the therapeutic process of understanding who we’re not (usually our conditioning or the thoughts/beliefs we have about ourselves), we see we are fully equipped to manage life and everything it offers.

We come to see our connection with life, that we are part of it, and so there is really nothing ‘outside’ for us to fear.

Of course this way of living doesn’t guarantee a life free of challenges, but we will take on the challenges gladly, seeing them as opportunities to grow and improve. We can develop our resilience, and perhaps share what we have learned with others, as a way to improve life and our community in general.

Trusting ‘what is’ is letting go of the attempt to control life, and going with the flow instead. This frees up so much of our headspace, in which we worry about things that most of the time don’t happen anyway. We can move out of survival mode (based on previous faulty conditioning and evolutionary instincts) and begin to live freely and spontaneously, enjoying life and all it has to offer, and sharing these gifts with others.