Exploring the impact of childhood abuse and neglect

It’s rather taboo, isn’t it? We are meant to love our parents, and they are meant to love us. But, for some people, it doesn’t work out like that.  What if you were raised in a family unit where your parents were disinterested, abusive and just downright cruel? Unfortunately, it happens.

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The consequences of not receiving the love and nurture that your child self so desperately needs can be huge. As children, we look to our parents to love us, care for us and protect us. The brutal realisation that they are in fact, causing us harm or distress through deliberate actions, or even through lack of action, can be devastating. 

Our society is invested in the belief that parents love their children and want the best for them, and so, to even consider, that some parents are actively harmful or neglectful, is an uncomfortable truth. It can be very difficult for people who grew up in abusive or neglectful homes, to talk about their experiences openly.

They may find that those who grew up in loving homes, cannot fathom what they are saying, ‘Oh! But I’m sure they did their best’, is a familiar response and, ‘Of course they love you’. This can lead to feelings of shame or invalidation. Your childhood may have left you feeling lonely and different from others. A sense that you missed out and were deprived of what others took for granted. A bit like standing out in the cold, looking through the window at a happy family scene.

We have all read in the media, dreadful stories of children being abused and murdered by their parents. Society is quite rightly, horrified by this, but there are many others, living miserable lives at the hands of their caregivers, who go under the radar. Your experiences may have gone unnoticed by teachers or the wider family. Your clean school uniform and high grades may have given the impression that all was well at home. Nobody witnessed the nasty remarks, the silent treatment or the lack of emotional care. Your parents may have been, 'pillars of the community' types; professional people who held down responsible jobs and who were well-loved by many. At home, away from the public gaze, things may have been very different. 

Your emotions may feel very messy and confusing, tormenting even. You may question yourself, and tell yourself that it wasn't that bad really. That helps for a while and then something or someone, triggers you and the feelings come flooding back. I think it's important to acknowledge that siblings who grew up in the same household can have wildly different relationships with their caregivers and this can be another source of pain for the abused child. 

Children within a family unit can and do, have varying experiences with their caregivers and this can be so confusing and unsettling for all of the children. In some cases, it can fracture the sibling relationships. You may have reached out to siblings to seek support and validation and have been met by bafflement and defensiveness. This could result in another wave of pain and sadness. You may have tried to talk to your parents, to explain how their behaviours and actions impacted you, but you didn't receive the acknowledgement, apology and happy ever after, that your vulnerable inner child, so desperately craved. What do you do with these painful feelings?

Therapy provides a confidential space for you to explore your family dynamics without being judged or dismissed. It’s a place to speak openly and to process complicated, messy emotions. Therapy can provide a safe space for your vulnerable inner child to speak, be heard and feel validated. 

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Tonbridge TN10 & Welling DA16
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Written by Claire Seadon
MBACP & MNCPS (Acc.)
location_on Tonbridge TN10 & Welling DA16
Claire Seadon is an experienced integrative therapist who works online, across the UK. Claire has a special interest in complex family dynamics, complicated grief and people pleasing behaviours.
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