Empathy protocol: The art of compassion in relationships

Every couple faces moments when communication breaks down—when words are spoken without being heard and emotions go unacknowledged. Understanding empathy can help mend bridges with healthy conversations and make your relationships all the stronger for it.

Data from Statista shows the average rate of divorces per 100 marriages by country. Countries like the UK (41.2) and Switzerland (46.1) were near the middle of the pack, while Portugal (91.5) had the highest average rate. Each country has its own complex social factors to consider, but it’s also true that many marriages (and relationships in general) fail due to a communication breakdown.

I’ve worked with a lot of couples in my years as a relationship counsellor. In that time, I’ve seen many of the same trends play out repeatedly with fresh faces. As such, there are several important steps I believe these couples were missing in their attempts (or lack thereof) to communicate.

That’s why I’ve put together this guide that maps the route to empathy and its role in how we connect to others. We’ll also go over the steps to having emotionally healthier conversations and how empathy can improve life with your partner and the rest of your interpersonal relationships, too.

Defining empathy

As with many words in the English language, “empathy” has its roots in ancient Greek. It derives from the word “empatheia,” meaning affection or passion, which is rooted in the words “en” (in) and “pathos” (passion). However, common usage also has roots in the German word “Einfühlung” (feeling into), what Carl Rogers defined as temporarily living in another’s life.

Empathy means understanding and relating to the emotions and experiences of others. If you’ve ever felt sad for someone else’s situation, angry on their behalf, or felt any other feeling because of something that affected them but not you, then you’ve experienced empathy. 

Empathy is a process that results from the change in activation and neurochemistry of key areas of the brain. While empathy is a complex, multifaceted feeling, psychological academia has established two broad categories:

Affective empathy (bottom-up): Feeling certain emotions in response to the emotions or mental states of others. You might feel concern at your partner’s suffering or personal distress in response to their outpouring of negative feelings, for example and commonly referred to as feeling other’s vibe, sensing their frequency, connecting to energy of the other. 

Cognitive empathy (top-down): Your ability to rationally comprehend someone’s state of mind and associated feelings. For example, you might understand that your partner’s distress about infidelity stems from a personal history of unfaithful exes. Knowing the story behind a person’s mindset makes it easier to communicate empathetically.

A large part of empathy is your inherent emotional response. This might make you believe you can’t become more empathetic, but that’s not true. We’re born with various levels of empathy and can learn to competently manifest it. Understanding how to make affective and cognitive empathy meet and embracing it has the potential to transform your relationships into something more mutually supportive and beneficial.

Steps for healthy and empathetic communication about emotions

Seek consent

It can be incredibly frustrating trying to talk to someone who isn’t really listening. Yet, at the same time, being forced into a conversation you’re unprepared for can be quite overwhelming. To avoid these feelings, seeking consent should always be the first step in having an emotional conversation with someone. Wanting to talk costs much less energetically, and being ready to listen means offering not only apparent silent attention but a costly volitional effort in silencing one's mind.

Ask if your partner is available, but respect a no.

• “I’d like to talk. Is now a good time?”

Agree on another time if they’re unavailable. If you’re the one being approached to listen, only agree if you can give your partner your full attention.

• “I want to give you my full attention, and I need a moment to prepare. Can we talk in an hour?”

If you can talk immediately, however, you need to put aside all distractions (work, phones, etc) and focus on your partner. Accurate self-knowledge will help you to estimate a transition time from current activity to listening; for some people, transition time is crucial. If your partner has asked to delay the conversation, remember that you want them to really pay attention, which is effortful, and nobody has unlimited energy. 

Listen until they have nothing else to say

It’s not enough to just nod occasionally while watching your partner talk. You need to create a space that is free of distractions, where your partner feels valued and understood.

Active listening means engaging with what’s being said. This is not the time to speak but to listen. Don’t rely too much on non-verbal communication like facial expressions, as this can be ambiguous and potentially misleading. Studies have shown that the tone of voice and choice of words often provide the clearest insight into emotions..

Turn towards your partner and give them your full attention. Actions that help you focus, like pacing or fidget toys, are an exception and best agreed on in advance.

Eye contact is helpful but optional. If that’s difficult, it’s fine to close your eyes or focus on a fixed point while listening.

Remain composed. Stay calm and maintain an open posture. What you’re being told might be difficult to hear or contain lots of information; you might need to make notes to consider your response later.

Let them speak. Allow your partner to finish their thoughts. Some conversations can take their toll. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break so you can come back more engaged.

Encourage them to share more. A simple phrase can invite further openness.

• “I’m glad you’re sharing this with me. Tell me more.”

Calibrate the understanding

There’s always room for misunderstanding, even when both parties feel they’re being honest and giving each other their full attention. Misunderstandings are built on the backs of assumptions.

Simply saying, “I understand” is not enough. Instead, repeat or summarise what you heard to confirm that you are on the same page. This shows your partner that you are actively engaged and allows them to clarify if needed.

Acknowledge their points in your own words to show your understanding.

• “This is what I heard you say… You felt hurt when I didn’t reply to your message because it seemed like I was ignoring you.”

Check for accuracy. Instead of relying on assumptions, ask your partner if your understanding is correct.

• “Did I get that right?”

Stay open to clarification. It can be difficult to let go of an initial assumption, but holding onto it can make it difficult to engage with what’s actually being said.

Embrace with validation

Once you’re on the same page, the next step is validating your partner’s emotions. You don’t have to agree with someone’s position to understand why they hold it. After all, a major part of empathy is putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. People want to feel that their experiences are acknowledged without judgment on their intensity or legitimacy, veracity or valence.

Put aside right and wrong, and accept feelings without judgment.

• “I believe you. That must have been really painful.”

Identify with emotion

It may be appropriate to share a personal point of reference in solidarity, but only if you avoid shifting the focus onto yourself. Without comparing or overshadowing, relate to the speaker’s emotions by drawing on the best approximation from moments in your life: 

• “This is tough. I remember feeling something like that when…”

Show care

Whether verbal or non-verbal, care shows that your partner’s feelings matter to you. It’s not necessarily about fixing a problem but rather showing genuine concern and emotional presence. Show emotional resonance and convey understanding through labelling the emotion and provide reassurance and support:

• “I feel your excitement.”
• "I am as mad as you are."
• “I see the depth of your despair.”
• “Whatever happens, I am on your side.”
• " I am here for you, always."
• "I hate that for you."

Offer help

Not all conversations require solutions. Often, moving through the previous steps is enough. However, if your partner wants support in problem-solving or if the issue involves you directly, offering a response is the next step.

Help them find their own solutions instead of immediately taking over.

• “Would you like my thoughts, or do you just need me to listen?”

Seek consent before giving advice if the issue involves a third party. If the issue involves you, respond honestly, maintain accountability, and validate your partner’s feelings.

• “I can see how my actions affected you. I am sorry I hurt you.”

Take responsibility and invite collaboration.

• “I contributed to this, and I want to do better. Let’s figure out what we should do if this happens again.”

If you still see things differently, revisit the conversation later using the steps up to this point.

Closure

A healthy conversation ends with a sense of resolution. You don’t have to solve everything in one go, but it should at least feel like progress has been made. This requires both partners to feel acknowledged and have some idea of what to do next.

Partners should acknowledge closure.

• “I’m glad we talked about this. It feels like we can finally move forward.”

Agree on the next steps if necessary.

• “Let’s talk about this again next week and see how we feel.”

The power of empathy and compassion

Communication is not just about exchanging words—it is about a mutual feeling of being desirable. The steps outlined in this protocol are designed to create a space where both partners feel heard, valued and supported. When you approach conversations with validation and respect for the mind-space of your partner, you strengthen the foundation of trust and connection in your relationship.

Empathy is not about fixing problems or agreeing on everything. It is about making space for each other’s experiences, even when they are complex or different from your own. Compassion means being present, showing care and reinforcing that no one has to face their emotions alone. Self and other-awareness will help you recognise when to avoid starting a conversation, such as when you are hungry or just before sleep.

When couples commit to listening with intention, responding with kindness and respecting each other’s emotions, conversations become opportunities for closeness rather than conflict. These small, intentional shifts in communication can transform relationships, helping both partners feel safer, stronger and more connected.