Emotional affairs: Can a relationship survive betrayal?

Many people who have been through the heartache of discovering their partner is having, or has had, an emotional affair will testify to the deep hurt and betrayal it leaves in its wake.

Can a relationship recover from an emotional affair?

"Can we ever recover from this?" is the question I am most often asked. The answer is yes - in many cases, it is possible to heal the hurt, understand what went wrong and salvage a relationship. But it takes some careful attending to process something so painful and re-imagine a future together. 

If you are experiencing a betrayal like this, you will know what it is to feel like the bottom has fallen out of your world. The pain is deeply emotional, and for many, it is also a physical ache, a sick dread or a pain in the pit of your stomach. You may have feelings of being detached from reality or so lost in rumination - of every known and imagined detail, you can feel like you are losing your mind.

This type of infidelity can feel especially betraying. Knowing your partner has formed strong emotional bonds to another, shared stories, secrets, intimate conversations, lies... The questions will be many as will the need to know and the absolute dread of knowing. 

Every situation and relationship will be different, but where two people can confront this situation, this is what the path may look like.

In the beginning

To begin, the affair is discovered or told. Those early days and weeks of finding out can be traumatic, the effects on the betrayed often likened to post-traumatic stress - intrusive thoughts, images, nightmares and anxiety. Where the lies have persisted, it can be even harder to uncover the truth, which may come out slowly over time. It is not unusual to feel there is more and more to discover. 

When the truth is uncovered

After the initial shock, there is a period of trying to make sense of what happened. Many people experience feelings of intense grief, of the relationship you thought you had, as well as fear of what is to come. As well as feelings of shame, the betrayer may feel tremendous guilt at witnessing their partner’s pain. At this point, if the betraying partner feels regret and fear at the loss of the relationship, this is a good time to seek couples therapy.

What can I expect from couples therapy?

Therapists work in a variety of ways and with different approaches. Do your research; this will help you have an idea of what to expect and if it seems likely to meet your needs.

The therapist should have a qualification in couples work as the dynamics of holding and working with two people at once and the relationship itself, requires specific skills and experience.

It is not at all unusual for a couple going through this to feel uncertain about the future of the relationship. Your therapist will understand this and help you to find your way over the course of the therapy. The therapist should not be invested in one outcome or another; that is solely for the couple to decide over the course of time.

The therapist will be looking to understand the history of your relationship and how this affair developed. This is based on curiosity rather than blame. They want to help you feel safe, held and heard throughout the process.

They will look at how you communicate with one another, your hopes, fears and dreams for the future. Your previous relationship history, background and what you learned about relationships growing up. They will be looking at the relationship you have with yourself, your internal world, your needs and how you try to get those needs met.

Through exploration and collaboration, you will begin to explore how to repair such a deep rupture as you consider your future together. The therapist will encourage openness, honesty and accountability. 

You will likely explore your attachment styles. This is how secure, anxious or avoidant you tend to be in intimate relationships.

If the couple chooses to stay together, they may look at ways to move on from the hurt, deepen the relationship and re-establish closeness and intimacy.

Whatever the outcome of the relationship, you should have at least found a safe place to work through your feelings and have greater clarity. For some couples, the path is to separate, but for others, the chance to grow together, perhaps even in a new way that brings a closeness that is greater than before.