Divorce: The lonely bedfellow
With the dawn of a new year, it may bring about changes, some expected and some not. It may be the catalyst for a person to decide that they can't go on any longer in a relationship. Getting through the festive period for the sake of the children etc, to give them a normal Christmas, to keep consistency and routine. This would be extremely painful for a couple who have already decided to part ways, but they remain together for the sake of their children and family members. They have already parted ways physically and emotionally. The divorce is just pending. It takes a lot of courage to go through the motions.

Divorce, that word alone carries a very heavy weight, it is the ending of the beginning, what started out as an union, a commitment to spend your whole life with someone. Yet, despite the many New Year adverts for personal growth and new beginnings, divorce is often a deeply lonely and painful experience. As a "lonely bedfellow," it leaves individuals submerged in isolation and grief.
Personal grief and divorce
Marriage, for many, represents companionship, stability, partnership, your future. When a marriage ends, the void left behind can be overwhelming and painful. The loss of a partner is not just the loss of a partner but often the loss of a best friend, and a shared future. Your world is turned upside down, the rug is firmly pulled from underneath you, knocking you sideways. The emotional ravine that follows divorce is compounded by social expectations and personal grief, making it an intensely isolating experience.
One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is the sudden change in social dynamics. Friends and family may feel torn between loyalties or unsure of how to provide support and to who. Social circles often diminish, leaving individuals feeling abandoned at a time when they most need connection. The online dating arena is a scary place! Putting yourself out there can be frightening for some. You thought that you were with your partner until your dying day, never in a million years did you think that you would have to go through it all again! The stigma surrounding divorce, though less in todays society, can still add to feelings of shame and loneliness.
The loneliness of divorce is exacerbated by the grieving process. Divorce is, in many ways, a form of bereavement. It is the death of a relationship, a shared identity, and a set of dreams. Unlike the mourning of a loved one, however, the grief of divorce is often complicated by feelings of anger/rage, betrayal, regret and lack of trust. This mixture of emotions can be difficult to articulate, leaving individuals feeling isolated in their pain.
The practical aspects of divorce can also contribute to feelings of loneliness. The legal proceedings, financial negotiations, and custody battles often force individuals to confront their situation in stark and clinical terms. The process can feel cold and impersonal, like a business transaction.
The complexity of divorce and family
For parents, divorce introduces additional layers of complexity. While co-parenting can be a positive arrangement, it also highlights the absence of the family unit as it once was. Shared custody arrangements mean that parents spend significant time apart from their children, which can be profoundly lonely. Holidays, milestones, and everyday routines often feel incomplete, marked by the absence of a partner and the presence of separation.
Children, too, experience the effects of divorce, and their reactions can amplify a parent's feelings of loneliness. A child’s sadness, confusion, or anger may serve as a painful reminder of the family’s ruptured state. Parents may also feel the weight of showing a brave face for their children, even if they don't feel very brave.
Rediscovering yourself after divorce
In my private practice, I support clients to rediscover their identity, as one of the most isolating aspects of divorce is the sense of losing oneself. Many individuals define their identity through their roles within a marriage, as a partner, a parent, or part of a couple. Divorce strips away these roles, leaving individuals to question who they are and what they want from life.
Coping with the loneliness of divorce requires intentional effort and support. Therapy is an invaluable resource for many, offering a safe space to process emotions and develop coping strategies. Support groups can also provide a sense of community, allowing individuals to connect with others who understand their experiences. Reach out, don't wait to be asked.
Building new social connections is another important step. Reconnecting with old friends, joining clubs or organisations, and pursuing hobbies can help combat feelings of isolation. However, rebuilding a social life takes time and patience, and the initial stages may feel insurmountable.
I encourage my clients to embrace self-compassion, as it is crucial in navigating the loneliness of divorce. It is important to acknowledge the pain and allow oneself to grieve without judgment. Engaging in self-care, whether through exercise, meditation, netflix , can also provide comfort and a sense of purpose. I encourage them to focus their attention on something positive when their children are with their ex partner. Your attention is wherever your mind is, wallowing in negative bias will not be helpful. Yes, it is extremely difficult, but I explore how to gently bring your attention back with my clients, through grounding techniques, practice etc.
While divorce is undeniably lonely, it also presents an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Yes, I am aware that I sound like one of those self-help gurus, but solitude, though initially painful, can become a source of strength. It offers a chance to reconnect with oneself, to explore personal interests and passions, and to cement a new sense of independence, a new you.
For some, the loneliness of divorce becomes a stepping stone to a richer, more fulfilling life. It embeds resilience, self-awareness, and a deeper appreciation for meaningful connections. Over time, the isolation that once felt suffocating can transform into a space for healing and renewal.
Divorce, as a lonely bedfellow, is a profound and challenging experience. It is marked by feelings of isolation, loss, and grief, but it also holds the potential for personal transformation. By acknowledging and reflecting on the loneliness of divorce and seeking support, individuals can navigate this difficult period and emerge stronger, more self-aware, and better equipped to eventually build a more fulfilling life.
While the journey is rarely easy, it is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Divorce may be a lonely bedfellow, but it is also a teacher, a catalyst, and ultimately, a stepping stone to a new beginning. Be bold, be daring, be you. You will get through this, it won't be easy, but you will get through this. Now I am going to sound like one of those gurus! Go and start living, make this year yours!
