Difficulty speaking up
It can be tough articulating how we feel. We might find speaking out in general to be challenging, being unsure of how to come across the way we would like.

We may have labelled ourselves as ‘the quiet, boring one,’ or ‘the one who talks for the sake of it,’ after judging our attempts at speaking up in the past as being unsuccessful. Perhaps it is reminiscent of being back at school, scared to put your hand up. A fear of getting the question wrong and feeling stupid, or being embarrassed in front of the class.
Feeling shame.
Interactions can feel incredibly risky. At the crux of it, we are constantly navigating relationships based on the uncertainty of whether we will be rejected or accepted by others. This can feel dependent on the next words that exit our mouth. We wonder how to word things, how the person is interpreting what we have said, if we have been misunderstood, and even analyse conversations days after they have taken place.
The influences on how we speak
There are many layers to what seems like a simple process. The internalised ideas we have about how we should sound, and what we are allowed and not allowed to communicate. When it is safe to speak or not. These have all been determined by our experiences and pre-determined rules that operate in society.
In the family home, were we encouraged to express ourselves or keep quiet? Perhaps we were loud and expressive and were told this was not acceptable. So, we became quieter. Or perhaps we never remember feeling inclined to speak out, keeping everything bottled up. Engaging in other non-verbal activities, drawing, reading, writing, playing sports, video games, or an instrument. Our internal worlds feel safer.
As we age, maybe in some relationships we find ourselves talking in an animated fashion and in others, we feel defensive. Our bodies tighten up and we find our mouths do not feel willing to function in moments when they could.
Which social norms have we internalised? If we are a certain gender, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, or are not able-bodied, do we feel the need to adhere to, or push against certain stereotypes in the way we speak? For example, if we are a woman do we think our voices must be quiet and polite, not pushing our point too much and apologising for what we say? If we are a man, do we feel we have to assert dominance, with a loud voice, and not back down if we are exposed for making a mistake? Or do we feel the opposite? Do we notice a conflict between our beliefs and our speech?
A mismatch between what we want and what we do
When we speak and what we say is our choice, but it may not feel this way. It can be difficult when we continually want to be able to speak and find we cannot. Or do speak up, but afterwards, feel as if we did not express correctly what we wanted to say.
Negative self-talk can ensue, or voices from the past. “Why didn’t you say this?” “See, the other person said it and they loved the idea, why didn’t you speak up?” or “This is why you should keep your mouth shut, now they think we are stupid,” “Why do you never think before you speak?!” Emotions such as anger, disappointment, frustration, or sadness can stay with us after these interactions. Leaving its mark, we feel isolated, misunderstood, and alone. These experiences may reinforce the idea that not speaking at all and keeping things inside, is the better course of action. Can we be compassionate towards ourselves in these moments? Can we quieten the negative self-talk?
Speaking practice
Each time we practise speaking in safe environments, it gives us confidence and skills in connecting to how we feel, and practising the art of talking. If we have little experience translating our feelings or thoughts into words it can take time to practice this. Writing things down first can be one way of aiding this process, or recording voice notes to yourself.
It might feel alien hearing your voice and getting comfortable with how it sounds. If you speak multiple languages there may be associations, or hangups you have about how your accent sounds when speaking. Can you learn to feel more comfortable or accepting of how you sound? Perhaps you like the cadence of certain words you say, or quirks in your tone. If you are feeling playful you could say some simple sentences in different ways and allow yourself to mess around with the way you say them. Listen to your voice, you may have never really acknowledged it as part of you in this way before.
Speaking more can take time to feel comfortable with, but practising in safe spaces first can give you confidence to do this in relationships with loved ones or at work, or in environments where it feels important for you to speak up more. Therapy can help with this process. Your therapist will encourage you to speak in sessions. As such you will become more comfortable talking about yourself, learning to put words to your emotional states and experiences. This can help you to understand yourself better and be able to articulate to others how you feel. In time, helping you to improve relationships outside of the therapeutic space.
You might even feel inclined to join a public speaking or singing club or find other creative ways to engage with speech. These can all be ways to feel more connected to your voice and get more comfortable using it.
