Couples therapy - what you can expect in the therapy space

You may have heard the phrase 'listening to respond, or listening to truly listen' before and wondered what it could possibly mean. Well, after a few years at this now, I can say that there are times when we listen to wait for the pause before diving in and saying what we want to say.

We may not do it on purpose, of course, but it does happen, and unless we are a trained communicator or develop active listening skills we may not pay it much attention.

As a trained communicator and someone who has learned active listening skills, I might say there is nowhere more important than in the therapy space that we develop this skill of truly listening, and perhaps specifically in couples therapy.

Often, couples come to couples therapy with relationship issues that have been ongoing for a while before realising they need some help to explore. Often, one side of the couple may have been given some sort of ultimatum and this often includes deadlines of some description. What often happens here is there is pressure in an already pressure-packed situation with an ongoing issue that needs sorting out as quickly as possible.

I find that there is an urgency by the time couples reach the therapy space that places the couple in an unduly stressful situation before we have even started the work. This is often further complicated by further pressure and responsibility placed on the couples therapist to meet such deadlines. 

I want to take this opportunity here to simply say well done for choosing couples therapy to explore your relationship. Let's take a moment to arrive in the therapy space and breathe. When you're ready, let's begin.

OK, now what can you expect from couples therapy? Well, this is a space much the same as individual therapy with regards to it being a safe space for you to explore your needs. But what it also is, crucially so, is a space for you to build a team with your partner, to explore what it might be like for your partner to be your safe space too. Essentially building trust with each other. If we think of a relationship as a house, of course, we will work on building that within the therapy space, but before all of that, we need to build the foundations to put the relationship house on top of.

The foundations being active listening skills and effective communication. In the therapy space I will help you communicate effectively with each other, I will teach you active listening skills, help you truly listen to each other and validate each other's feelings before empathising with each other, i.e. what it might be like if you were in your partner's position and how you might feel if you were going through what they were going through etc. I find these skills particularly effective and often see couples communicating with each other for the first time in a long time and it's truly amazing to see the differences even in a short space of time.

If you are thinking about couples therapy, this is one of the most important skills you will learn in the therapy space: listening to each other and truly listening, not simply listening for the gap. If you do have relationship needs you want to explore and the above sounds like something you are looking for, giving yourself and your partner time, not putting undue pressure on yourselves and willingness to work on the relationship are key components of successful outcomes in the therapy space.

Reach out to a professional to discuss your needs.