Counselling to reclaim identity after bullying in school & work

Bullying, whether experienced during formative years in school or within the professional workplace, can have a profound and lasting impact on one’s sense of identity. It can strip away confidence, stifle ambition, and create feelings of isolation and inadequacy. In many cases, the victim feels that their identity has been hijacked or stunted, leaving them unable to reach their full potential.

The roots of bullying: Insecurity and cycles of abuse

To understand how bullying can distort someone’s sense of self, it’s essential to recognise that bullying often originates from the insecurities of the bully. Individuals who engage in bullying behaviour are frequently battling their demons – whether from previous trauma, internalised shame, or, quite often, having been bullied themselves. Unfortunately, this cycle of pain gets perpetuated as they project their unresolved emotions onto others, finding temporary relief in control or dominance.

This dynamic is especially troubling among women. While much of society encourages sisterhood and support among women, reality can sometimes differ. Studies have shown that women are sometimes the harshest critics of each other, failing to uplift and instead participating in harmful behaviours such as exclusion, gossip, or undermining each other’s success. This failure to support womanhood intensifies the wounds caused by bullying, leaving the victim not only dealing with external forces but also struggling internally to reconcile why fellow women would betray that sense of solidarity.

The psychological toll: Stunted identity and potential

Bullying, especially over an extended period, can disarm individuals completely, stunting their personal development. For many, it leaves them questioning their worth, shrinking into themselves to avoid further pain. School-age bullying can impede a person’s academic performance and social interactions, preventing them from developing the confidence to explore their talents and interests. In the workplace, bullying can sabotage careers, with victims avoiding opportunities for promotion, failing to speak up in meetings, or ultimately leaving a job where they could have thrived.

The longer someone remains in this disempowered state, the more they internalise the false narratives fed to them by their bullies – that they’re not good enough, smart enough, or deserving of success. The result is an identity shaped by external negativity rather than their true inner self.

Counselling: Reclaiming and rebuilding

Counselling offers a path for victims of bullying to begin healing and reclaim their stolen sense of identity. A trained counsellor can help individuals process the emotions linked to their bullying experiences – fear, shame, anger, and sadness. By working through these feelings, individuals can see the bullying for what it was – a reflection of the bully’s issues rather than their shortcomings.

Understanding the source

Through counselling, clients can learn to separate the actions of their bully from their own identity. They begin to comprehend that the bullying was rooted in the bully’s insecurities and had nothing to do with their worth. This realisation can be liberating and is the first step in reclaiming personal power.

Building self-validation

One of the most significant challenges for individuals who have been bullied is learning how to validate themselves. Counselling encourages self-reflection and the practice of positive self-talk, teaching clients how to rebuild confidence from within rather than seeking external approval. This helps prevent future bullying because the more secure a person is in their self-worth, the less susceptible they are to being disarmed by a bully.

Developing boundaries

Many victims of bullying have difficulty setting boundaries, often because they’ve been conditioned to accept disrespectful behaviour. A counsellor can guide individuals in recognising unhealthy dynamics and teach them to assert themselves effectively. Healthy boundaries are crucial in protecting oneself from future bullies, whether in the workplace or personal life.

Rewriting the narrative

Through techniques such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), counselling allows individuals to rewrite the negative stories they’ve been telling themselves. Instead of internalising the false belief that they are somehow lacking, they can start to affirm their strengths, talents, and values.

Tips for healing and moving forward

Recovering from bullying is a journey that requires time, patience, and, above all, self-compassion. Here are some critical strategies for those seeking to heal:

1. Recognise your strength: The fact that you’ve survived bullying is a testament to your strength. Whether the bullying happened years ago or is ongoing, take a moment to acknowledge your resilience. You’re still here, and you’re capable of growth.
2. Surround yourself with supportive people: Rebuilding your support system after experiencing bullying is essential. Seek friends, family, or mentors who uplift and remind you of your value. If those around you are unsupportive, it may be time to seek new relationships that nurture your well-being.
3. Focus on what you can control: Bullying often leaves people feeling powerless, but one of the best ways to reclaim your life is by focusing on what you can control. Take small steps towards your goals, no matter how modest. Whether taking a course, applying for a new job, or engaging in a new hobby, each step helps rebuild your sense of agency.
4. Forgive yourself, not the bully: Many victims of bullying carry guilt or shame, feeling they should have “done more” to stand up for themselves. Counselling helps you let go of this self-blame. Forgiving yourself is critical to moving forward; you did what you needed to do to survive.

Preventing future victimisation 

One of the most empowering outcomes of counselling is that it helps individuals develop the tools to prevent future bullying. You can protect yourself from being re-victimised by strengthening self-esteem, learning assertiveness, and building a solid support network. Additionally, as you grow in confidence, you’ll be less likely to tolerate toxic behaviour from peers or colleagues and more likely to advocate for yourself and others.

Bullying has the power to derail identity and potential temporarily, but with the proper support, individuals can reclaim their lives. Counselling provides a safe space to process pain, rebuild confidence, and develop strategies for resilience. Remember, no one deserves to have their identity stunted by another’s insecurities. By reclaiming your self-worth, you can rewrite your story and move toward a future of empowerment and self-fulfilment.