Could social media make you 'cut off' people prematurely?

In an era where social media influences nearly every part of our lives, it’s natural to wonder how these platforms affect our views and relationships. We’re constantly exposed to trending ideas about mental health, wellness, and relationships, many of which encourage us to re-evaluate our interactions with friends, family, and partners. But are some of these trends encouraging us to see patterns in our relationships that might not actually be there?

Psychological effects of social media on perception

Social media taps into our natural tendency to look for patterns and meaning, shaping our beliefs in ways we may not realise. Confirmation bias - the human tendency to seek out information that supports our pre-existing beliefs - is amplified by algorithms. The more we interact with certain types of content, the more similar content we see, creating an echo chamber effect. If we’re already questioning a relationship, for example, seeing repeated messages about 'toxic people' or 'setting boundaries' can make us feel certain we’re on the right track, even if we haven’t fully considered the complexities.

Another influence is comparison culture. Social media often presents us with idealised portrayals of relationships, where conflict is either absent or clearly marked as 'unhealthy.' This can lead us to question the health of our own relationships when they don’t meet these standards. Ordinary disagreements or misunderstandings can feel like red flags, when in reality, they may simply be part of a normal, evolving relationship.

The all-or-nothing narrative of social media

One popular example is the concept of 'cutting off' family members - especially parents - who are deemed emotionally unintelligent or unable to provide the validation we’ve come to expect. Across platforms like TikTok and Instagram, influencers and mental health advocates discuss the importance of setting boundaries and protecting emotional health, which is crucial. Yet, this message can sometimes take an all-or-nothing approach, reducing complex family relationships to simple labels. This can lead to extreme decisions that we might not have considered without these digital influences.

Those of us living amid complex family dynamics know the angst these decisions can bring - the unseen binds that can make us feel stuck in tricky interactions with a parent, sibling, or friend. There are times when disconnecting from a relationship may be the best choice - but how much are we influenced by what we watch?

Social media platforms encourage this type of narrative. Content creators know that absolute statements like 'cut off toxic people' or 'don’t tolerate negativity' perform better than nuanced advice. A TikTok or Instagram reel that ends with 'It’s complicated' won’t go viral, but 'cut ties with anyone who drains you' might. These simplifications feed into the human tendency to seek clarity in complex situations, but relationships rarely fit into neat categories of 'good' or 'bad.'

How systemic therapy views relationships differently

Systemic therapy takes a different approach to understanding relationships by viewing family members as interconnected parts of a system. This perspective recognises that behaviours and conflicts don’t occur in isolation; broader patterns, histories, and roles within the family influence them. Systemic therapists often use tools like genograms - visual maps of family relationships that go beyond a basic family tree - to trace patterns, explore relational dynamics, and uncover how certain behaviours may have developed or been passed down.

In systemic therapy, we encourage a stance of curiosity: instead of assigning a label to someone, we might ask, 'What need is behind this behaviour?' or 'How might this behaviour have protected me or others in the past?' This doesn’t mean excusing harmful actions, but it does mean exploring them in a broader context. Where social media encourages us to take rapid action, systemic therapy invites us to slow down, explore, and understand.

Systemic therapists also encourage clients to consider the meaning that relationships hold for them. Recognising patterns within relationships can be empowering, but it’s essential to approach these patterns with openness to the full complexity of the people involved rather than reducing them to a label.

Alternatives to cutting off relationships

No one deserves to feel trapped in a difficult relationship, and while cutting off people is a valid response, there are things to consider first. Systemic therapy suggests several alternatives that can help individuals navigate challenging relationships thoughtfully:

Constructive communication:

Setting boundaries doesn’t always mean cutting people off. Communicating needs in a clear, non-blaming way can shift the dynamic and give the other person a chance to respond. For instance, saying, 'I feel hurt when…' instead of 'You always…' can open up space for understanding.

Boundary setting vs. barriers:

Establishing boundaries is about defining what is and isn’t acceptable in a way that respects both parties. This can mean limiting time with certain family members or choosing not to discuss specific topics, rather than severing contact entirely.

Changing expectations:

Sometimes, relationships improve when we shift our expectations. A parent who has never been emotionally available may not become so now, but adjusting our expectations can reduce frustration and prevent disappointment.

Seeking professional support:

Engaging a family therapist or other mental health professional can provide guidance and help navigate difficult relational patterns. Therapy offers a safe space to explore whether a relationship can change or whether it’s best to step back.

These options don’t discount the pain of difficult relationships. There are situations, particularly those involving abuse, where severing contact is necessary. However, many relationships can improve if all parties are motivated to make changes, and systemic therapy often facilitates positive steps. Social media trends, however, may encourage people to assume that change isn’t possible, leading them to cut ties prematurely.

Examples of complex family dynamics

To illustrate, consider a hypothetical case of Emma, who finds herself frustrated by her father’s dismissive behaviour. She notices that whenever she shares something personal, he responds with criticism rather than empathy. After encountering advice on social media about 'cutting off toxic people,' she considers severing contact with him.

In systemic therapy, however, Emma explores her family history and realises that her father grew up in an environment where emotions were rarely discussed. Through therapy, she gains insight into how his responses might stem from his own unresolved issues. Emma decides to set boundaries around certain topics but continues to engage with him on others, gradually developing a relationship that, while not perfect, is manageable and meaningful to her.

When social media advice over-simplifies

Social media narratives encourage us to take control of our emotional well-being, and that’s important. But it’s equally vital to remember that relationships involve an interplay of behaviours, history, shared experiences, and meaning-making. Recognising patterns within relationships can be empowering, but it’s important to resist the temptation to reduce these connections to simple labels. Instead, we can learn to see them as complex systems with room for growth and adaptability.

The next time you scroll through your feed and encounter advice suggesting a dramatic life change, pause and reflect. Ask yourself: is this pattern or label genuinely reflective of my experience? Or is it an oversimplified narrative shaped by social media trends?

Self-awareness is invaluable, but so is the flexibility to recognise that some relationships may benefit from growth rather than finality. Instead of making hasty decisions based on trends, consider engaging with the complexity of your relationships. Therapy, curiosity, and understanding can reveal paths that simple 'cut-off' solutions might miss.