Breaking free from burnout

Becoming a psychotherapist and a middle-aged woman means I’ve spent some time balancing a professional career, family life, and my own well-being, I’ve seen the overwhelming effects of burnout—not only in my clients, but also in myself. Burnout, a term we’ve all become too familiar with, is more than just feeling tired or stressed. It’s a state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion that leaves us feeling detached, unmotivated, and overwhelmed. For women, particularly those in caregiving or high-stress roles, burnout can be both pervasive and deeply ingrained. But there is hope and I want to talk about cultivating it.

Science-backed strategies for emotional resilience

In their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski break down why so many of us feel so depleted, they offer science-backed solutions for breaking free from burnout. Their approach isn’t about “fixing” ourselves but instead understanding how stress works in our bodies and how to complete the biological stress cycle - that’s why I like it. 

Stress is not just a feeling; it’s a physiological response. When we encounter a stressor—whether it’s a looming work deadline, a difficult conversation with a loved one, or the never-ending stream of responsibilities—our bodies react with a cascade of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. This fight-or-flight response is automatic and essential for survival. However, the real problem arises when we don’t complete the stress cycle. We’re left in a constant state of arousal, where the stress hormones don’t get fully released.

We’re like animals who’ve been running from a predator but never got to reach safety. The stress lingers in our bodies, leading to emotional exhaustion. As the Nagoski sisters put it, “Just because you’ve dealt with the stressor doesn’t mean you’ve dealt with the stress itself.”

Here’s where the distinction between stress and stressors comes into play. Stress is the physical and emotional reaction that happens inside of us, while stressors are the external pressures that trigger that reaction. You can’t always remove stressors—life, after all, is full of them—but you can work on addressing the stress itself by completing the stress cycle.

The stress cycle

So, how do we complete the stress cycle? According to the Nagoski sisters, physical activity is one of the most effective ways to release built-up stress. But before you groan and reach for a coffee, this doesn’t mean you need to start training for a marathon. Even a brisk walk, dancing in your kitchen (my personal favourite), or a quick stretch can help.

The idea is to get your body moving in a way that signals to your brain: “You’re safe. The danger has passed.” Other strategies include deep breathing, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the body. If you’ve ever tried taking a few slow, deep breaths in a moment of tension, you know how instantly effective this can be. Laughter, affection, and crying are also powerful ways to discharge stress. We’ve all felt the cathartic release of a good cry or shared a belly laugh with a friend that left us feeling lighter.

A concept that deeply resonates with me—and likely with many of you—is what the Nagoskis call the Human Giver Syndrome. People are often conditioned to prioritise the needs of others before their own. We’re taught that being a “good” person means being self-sacrificing, nurturing, and constantly available. We give until we have nothing left to give. This role of perpetual caregiver leads to chronic stress, not just from the demands placed on us but from the internalised belief that our worth is tied to how much we give. Breaking free from this mindset is critical; in fact, it’s essential for your well-being. Setting boundaries, learning to say “no,” and recognising that you are not responsible for everyone’s happiness are radical but necessary acts of self-care.

The antidotes to burnout

The Burnout Report 2024 by Mental Health UK discovered that nine in ten UK adults experienced high or extreme stress in the past year. Not only that, almost a quarter of UK adults felt unable to manage stress and pressure in their lives. In addition, 35% of respondents did not feel comfortable talking about mental health with managers and senior leaders at work- the report was based on a YouGov poll of 2,060 adults.

Rest and joy are the antidotes to burnout. We often think of rest as sleep—and yes, getting enough sleep is crucial—but rest also means giving yourself permission to stop. Whether it’s five minutes of quiet, an afternoon off, or an entire day of unplugging from work and obligations, rest is non-negotiable. Joy, on the other hand, is about engaging in activities that bring you pleasure and fulfilment, whether that’s reading, painting, spending time with loved ones, pets, or simply doing nothing. Incorporating joy into your life is essential for emotional recovery.

In a culture that glorifies busyness, we have to remember that we’re human beings . As the Nagoskis write, “You are not responsible for fixing the world, you are responsible for doing your part, and that’s all.”

Practising self-compassion

One of the most important tools when we face burnout is self-compassion. Often, we are our own worst critics. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and berate ourselves for not being “enough.” Practising self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a dear friend.

Self-compassion involves three key components: self-kindness (being gentle with yourself), common humanity (recognising that you are not alone in your struggles), and mindfulness (being present with your emotions without judgment). This practice isn’t just about feeling better; it’s about fostering resilience in the face of stress.

Cultural and systemic factors

While personal strategies like completing the stress cycle and practising self-compassion are vital, the Nagoskis also emphasise the importance of addressing cultural and systemic factors. Both men and women face unique pressures from societal expectations, workplace inequities, and traditional gender roles.

The burden of caregiving often falls disproportionately on women, whilst Men are expected to be assertive, strong and ambitious, which can exacerbate stress and lead to burnout. Recognising these systemic factors doesn’t absolve us from responsibility but helps us understand why burnout is so prevalent. Change needs to happen on both an individual and societal level for us to truly escape the burnout trap, but this is for another article.

Practical strategies for breaking free from burnout

Now that we’ve covered the key concepts, let’s talk about practical strategies for breaking free from burnout. First, incorporate activities that help release stress from your body, such as walking, dancing, deep breathing, or laughter. Make these a daily habit, even for just 10 minutes.

Second, set aside time each week to journal or write a short poem about your feelings of stress and exhaustion. Reflect on what your stressors are and how you’re responding to them.

Third, start small by saying “no” to one unnecessary task or obligation each week. Protect your energy. Fourth, schedule moments of rest and activities that bring you joy. These are not luxuries; they are needed for your emotional health. Lastly, when you catch yourself being critical, pause and reframe your thoughts with kindness. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?”

Burnout is insidious, but it’s also something we can fight against with the right tools. By understanding the stress cycle, completing it, and prioritising rest, joy, and self-compassion, we can begin to heal from the inside out. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s survival. I’ll leave the last words to Emily Dickinson: "In this short life that only lasts an hour, how much - how little - is within our power."

References

Emily Dickinson 1830-1896, In this short life that only lasts an hour.
Source: The Poems of Emily Dickinson: Variorum Edition (The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1998)

Nagoski, Emily, author. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. New York: Ballantine Books