Beyond bubble baths: Rediscovering real self-care

Years ago, in therapy, my therapist suggested I practice self-care. "What is that?" I wondered. It felt like being asked to solve a complex physics equation without any prior knowledge. Caring for others came naturally, but caring for myself felt alien and scary. I left that session feeling ashamed for not knowing something that seemed so basic to everyone else.

Over time, I realised many share this confusion. Social media doesn't help; it appears everyone knows how to do self-care – they're posting happy photos on beaches, at spas, and getting massages. When I ask people what self-care means to them, they often mention external comforts: "I took a bath," "I bought new bedding." While nice, these things can mask a deeper need. Real self-care isn't about external comforts; it's internal. It's hard to embrace when we've not been shown or given permission to have it, and even harder when we feel ashamed about it.

What does self-care really mean?

Real self-care goes beyond bubble baths and treats. While those can be pleasant, they may avoid addressing our real needs and genuine connection with ourselves. True self-care is understanding that we deserve kindness, time, and love – just like everyone else. It's giving ourselves a warm hug from the inside and being our own inner champion.

Why might self-care feel difficult?

Have you ever felt like you don't deserve good things? You're not alone. Many who lacked the love or care they needed growing up find it hard to be kind to themselves now. We might stay busy, running from one task to the next, perhaps afraid to slow down and face ourselves. That little voice inside says, "I don't deserve this." But maybe that voice isn't telling the whole truth. What if we do deserve kindness and care?

The loss of self and trauma

Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and author, said:

"The loss of self is the essence of trauma."

Difficult experiences, especially in childhood, can make us feel like a part of us went missing. We might have survived by focusing on others' needs, ignoring our own, and losing touch with who we truly are and what we need.

Understanding our past

Our early experiences shape us. If we had to take on adult responsibilities as children – becoming “parentified children" – we might have learned to prioritise others over ourselves. This can lead to fear and shame when acknowledging our own needs.

Different parenting styles contribute to this:

• Emotional neglect: If our feelings were dismissed, we might believe our needs don't matter.
• Overbearing control: If our choices were controlled, we may struggle to make decisions now.
• Conditional love: If affection was based on meeting expectations, we might think we're only worthy when we achieve something.

These experiences make it hard to know what we need or how to care for ourselves, often leaving us feeling guilty for considering our well-being.

How to make self-care a priority

Giving ourselves the gift of time

Time is precious. Taking a moment for ourselves can feel challenging, especially if we're used to always being on the go. But spending time with ourselves tells us we have worth.

What if we set aside a few minutes each day – like a date with ourselves? A little check-in. It can be as simple as sitting quietly, reflecting on our thoughts, taking a walk, or enjoying an activity. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, it helps us reconnect with who we are. Sometimes, embracing "nothingness" is enough.

Learning to say no to others and yes to ourselves

Setting boundaries is essential. We often say yes to please others, even when it drains us. We might fear disappointing them or worry that saying no makes us selfish. But saying no when we need to is saying yes to ourselves.

By setting healthy boundaries, we acknowledge that our needs matter too. It's OK to decline requests that overwhelm us. This doesn't mean we're unkind; it means we're taking care of ourselves so we can be genuinely present when we choose to help others.

Embracing joy and creativity

Self-care can feel challenging, especially if it's unfamiliar. We might not know what we enjoy or how to relax. That's OK. It's about taking small steps and exploring what brings us joy and finding ourselves again.

Music is magic

Music can be a wonderful companion. Listen to different genres or revisit your favourite songs from your past. Create a personal playlist. Singing out loud – even if you think you can't sing – can uplift your spirit and connect you with your emotions.

Move in your own way

You don't need to be doing a tree pose in yoga or lifting weights like a superhero to care for yourself. Move your body in ways that feel good to you. Dance around the house, stretch, or take a leisurely walk. The goal isn't perfection but enjoying the movement and how it makes you feel.

Giving yourself permission to play

Engage in activities that spark joy, no matter how simple. Reconnect with your child parts. Think back to things you enjoyed in the past – games, hobbies – they're a great place to start.

Get an inner tiger

Dr. Kristin Neff talks about "fierce compassion," standing up for ourselves with strength and kindness. Self-care can be tough. Imagine having an inner tiger that won't take any nonsense, that will protect you and keep you on track. You might already have that tiger when protecting loved ones – now it's time to use it for yourself.

By caring for yourself, giving yourself time, setting boundaries, and embracing activities that bring joy, you're embodying this fierce compassion. You're becoming both the protector and nurturer of your own well-being.

Remember, it's a journey, not a race.

Changing how we feel about ourselves won't happen overnight, and that's OK. Let's be patient with ourselves. If you need help reach out to a friend or try getting professional help like counselling.
With kindness, curiosity, and courage you can start to connect with what you truly need. We are worth it.

Remember, we are valuable just as we are. Real self-care is about embracing that truth and allowing ourselves to feel loved, connected to ourselves and cared for.

Starting today with one small act of kindness toward ourselves – we deserve it.