Anxious attachment: three steps toward feeling more secure

Are you worried about your partner's commitment to the relationship? Do you feel you put more effort into the relationship than your partner does? Or, maybe you feel needy at times and struggle to spend time on your own.

These experiences can sometimes be linked to anxious attachment – a pattern of relating that grows out of our early experiences of connection and care.

The idea comes from attachment theory, which was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s. It helps explain why some people feel more secure in relationships while others spend more time worrying about closeness or rejection.

What is attachment theory?

Bowlby describes attachment theory as the concept of an individual’s need to seek and develop close emotional bonds with another person who provides a sense of stability and security. Our caregivers lay the foundation of these attachment bonds in our childhood and will act as a blueprint of how we will relate to ourselves and others as adults.

There are four main attachment styles: secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganised attachment. This article will provide a brief introduction to the anxious attachment style and share three steps you can take to feel more secure in your relationship.

Secure attachment

Initially, it might be helpful to understand the theory behind attachment and what secure attachment is. Babies depend on their caretakers for survival, and if the caretakers are attuned to the baby and her needs, the baby is more likely to become securely attached to the caregiver.

As an adult with a secure attachment style, they will be able to be interdependent. This means that they will be able to enjoy spending time on their own and rely on other people for support. They will be able to set clear boundaries to protect themselves and have emotional intimacy with their loved ones. They trust themselves, but also value and consider other people’s opinions.

However, if the baby experienced caregivers consistently not meeting their needs and not being attuned with them, the baby is likely to develop an insecure attachment to them.

Anxious attachment

An adult with an anxious attachment style is likely to have experienced their caregivers as being unreliable or not attuned to them. The perceived lack of attunement and consistency in care might not have been intentional by the caregivers. However, it can still have a significant impact on how the child views themselves and how they relate to others.

An adult with anxious attachment style might regularly:

• need reassurance from their partner that they love them
• worry about being left by their partner
• over give in the relationship 
• feel 'clingy' and struggle to give their partner space

3 steps to feel more secure within yourself and your relationship

1. Self-regulation

Self-regulation is a term used to describe your ability to manage your emotions and thoughts. It is having the ability to slow down and consider how you would like to respond to a situation instead of going with your initial reaction. We can all, at times, react in a manner that, in hindsight, we didn't think was ideal or particularly helpful. 

It can be useful to find ways to create a break between the initial reaction you have towards your partner before communicating to them how you feel. Taking a moment before you respond allows you to tune into your emotions and express yourself more clearly.

Tuning into yourself and your initial reactions can be done by asking to take a 5-minute break from the conversation and doing a brief body scan. Starting from your feet, going upwards, you can briefly notice how each body part is feeling. Is there tension in your legs or arms? Might you be breathing in a rapid and shallow manner? What might that mean to you about how you are feeling at the moment, and what can you do in this moment to help yourself feel a bit more settled?

You could write down what you are feeling (for example, anxious, hurt, angry, or scared), what thoughts are present, and what you might be needing in that moment, such as reassurance, space, or understanding.

Once you feel more settled, you can gently bring the focus back to the conversation and share your experience using “I” statements, such as:

“I noticed I started to feel anxious when we were talking about this, and I think it’s because I was worried about being misunderstood. What I really need right now is some reassurance.”

2. Self-validating statements

Self-validating statements are gentle statements you say to show yourself compassion, acceptance and understanding. Many of us can become more self-critical when we're upset, but what we really need is to increasingly cultivate a kind and wise inner voice.

Self-validating statements can help you to develop a kinder inner voice and increase self-regulation. 

Examples of self-validating statements might be:

• it’s understandable that I will feel anxious right now
• I’m doing my best, and that is good enough
• It’s OK that I feel upset right now – I will take this one step at a time

3. Set more boundaries

Initially, setting boundaries can start in small steps. For example, you can decide that you will take three slow breaths and notice what you're thinking and feeling before responding to your partner.

Sometimes, a healthy boundary is choosing to let your partner meet you halfway. If you tend to overgive in relationships, it can be helpful to step back slightly and notice what happens when you do a little less.

If you’re changing something you have usually been responsible for, it helps to talk about it openly. Sharing why you’re stepping back and what would help you feel supported gives your partner the opportunity to show up in a new way.

When you are struggling with anxiety in a relationship, things can feel overwhelming, and it might be hard to find a way forward.

Counselling can help you gently explore where your relationship anxiety comes from and why certain moments feel so overwhelming. You don’t have to figure it out alone –  you and your counsellor can take the time to understand it together, at a pace that feels right for you.