Anxiety, perfectionism & mum guilt: How to be kinder to yourself

Are you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or like you’re never quite good enough? Often, what feels like anxiety or a constant sense of failure is actually something much deeper: the pressure to always get it right.

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like colour-coded calendars or obsessively clean kitchens. Sometimes, it's feeling like you’re failing no matter how hard you try, constantly comparing yourself to other mums, or struggling to relax because there’s always something else you should be doing.

I grew up with a mum who I would never have described as a perfectionist, but now that I’ve unpicked things, I can see it so clearly — she never felt good enough. Our whole childhood was shaped by what other people thought. She never sat down. She still doesn’t. Because when we’re busy, we don’t have the time or energy to think — about what others think, or more importantly, what we think or want. And when we don’t check in with ourselves, we lose touch with who we are.

The hidden struggles of high expectations

Before kids, you might have prided yourself on being the one who had it all together. Maybe you were always getting promotions, earning new qualifications, always achieving, always busy. It was exhausting, but it worked.

Or maybe you always had the most beautiful home, the kind of relationship everyone was jealous of, or a life full of fun and adventure.

Then motherhood came along, and suddenly, those high expectations felt impossible. Because here’s the thing: kids aren’t like projects at work. They are emotional, messy, and beautifully unpredictable. When you think you’ve figured something out, everything changes.

I get this vision of one of those toys you keep whacking down, but it keeps popping back up.

When things don’t go to plan, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison. You scroll through social media and think "Why does she make it look so easy?", "What’s wrong with me?" And that’s where perfectionism does its real damage — it convinces you that you’re not good enough.

Why do we struggle with perfectionism?

Perfectionism and associated feelings often come from patterns we’ve carried since childhood. In therapy, we call these conditions of worth — the invisible rules we grow up with that tell us how to earn love and approval.

Some common ones include:

“I have to do everything myself to prove I’m capable.”

Maybe you grew up in a household where asking for help wasn’t encouraged, so now you struggle to lean on others. Or you couldn’t ask for help because everyone around you was preoccupied with their own emotions, so you had to learn to deal with things alone.

“If I’m struggling, it means I’m failing.”

Perhaps you saw adults hide their struggles or were told that family problems stay within these four walls because you can’t trust people outside the family. You learned that vulnerability wasn’t safe — that sharing the parts of yourself you weren’t proud of meant opening yourself up to judgment.

“I need to be perfect to be loved.”

If you were praised for achievements but criticised for mistakes, you might have internalised the idea that your worth depends on your success. This one comes up a lot with clients, particularly those from immigrant families where community opinions were everything, and mental health was never spoken about.

Recognising these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.

The carrot and the stick

I like to use the analogy of the carrot and the stick to explain why perfectionism feels so hard to let go of.

For many of us, the stick — our inner critic — drives us. It tells us to work harder, be better, do more. And sure, that works. It gets results. But it also leaves us feeling exhausted and like we’re never enough.

On the other hand, the carrot is about celebrating small wins, enjoying the journey, and recognising progress instead of focusing only on the end goal. It’s a completely different way of thinking, and for a perfectionist, it can feel almost impossible at first.

But here’s the good news: your brain can change.

The power of neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity is just a fancy way of saying your brain is capable of change.

When someone says, “This is just who I am; I can’t change,” it’s not true. Your brain is like a muscle — with practice and consistency, you can create new, healthier patterns of thinking. And this is exactly what I help my clients do.

My job is to be the antidote to your inner critic, life is so much better when the voice in your head cheers you on instead of tearing you down.

How to start rewriting your conditions of worth

If you’re ready to start breaking free from perfectionism, here are some simple steps to get started:

1. Notice your patterns

Pay attention to the thoughts that pop up when you feel stressed or overwhelmed. Are they critical? Do they sound like rules you’ve been following your whole life?

2. Challenge those beliefs

Ask yourself: Is this really true? Where did this belief come from?

For example, if you think, “I have to do everything perfectly to be a good mum,” ask yourself: Who says?

3. Rewrite the script

Replace negative thoughts with kinder, more realistic ones. Instead of “I’m failing,” try “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

4. Celebrate small wins

We are so quick to list everything we’re doing wrong, but when was the last time you acknowledged something you did right?

Maybe the kids ate breakfast without a fight or you paused before snapping when you were exhausted. Or maybe you just got through the day.

These moments matter.

5. Use prompts for reflection

If you’re feeling stuck, try these:

• What’s one thing I’ve done well today?
• What’s the best thing that could happen if I let go of this belief?
• What do I need to make today a good day?

I spend five minutes every morning reflecting on just one of these. I call it habit snacking — because, as a busy mum, I know I won’t be meditating for 30 minutes every day. But small, consistent shifts? Those add up.

Why this matters for you and your children

This work isn’t just about you.

When you break free from perfectionism, you show your children they don’t have to earn love through achievement. You model self-compassion, resilience, and the idea that it’s okay to be imperfect.

So, if you feel overwhelmed, stuck, or exhausted from trying to keep it all together, know that change is possible. It starts with small, consistent steps and a willingness to be kinder to yourself.

You deserve to feel happier, calmer, and more at ease. And your children? They deserve a mum who believes that too.