Am I people-pleasing?

Below, we reflect on the way we relate to other people and help us consider: are we pleasing people or people pleasing?

These two ways of relating can look similar, but they have different roots, and the impact on us can also be very different.

Pleasing people

Pleasing people can include being thoughtful, meeting socially, buying gifts, and being empathic by checking in if we haven't heard from friends, family or colleagues for a while and are concerned. Of course, this list is not exhaustive.

When we please people, we will feel peaceful, and the response from the other person will make us feel safe and connected.

People pleasing

People pleasing, on the other hand, is not always easy to spot, but it is important to understand the difference so that you can become more empowered.

Here are some clues that you may be people pleasing:

• Are your relationships one-sided? By that, are you doing most of the running with little or no effort from others?
• Does your relationship work in a way that the other person expects you to make all the effort? How do they respond if you pull back - silence/criticism/something else
• When you are with the person, are they listening to you or looking over their shoulder? Do you feel seen, heard and respected or dismissed?
• Do you try and second-guess what the other person wants in an effort to stop them criticising you or losing their temper?
• What are your boundaries like? If you don't feel able to say 'no' because you are anxious that you will be rejected or abandoned, there could be a problem.

When we people please, this is done from a place of anxiety. This may be in our awareness, or not. It can be helpful to check in with what is happening in your thoughts and body. When you feel this happening, see if you can take a moment to sit quietly with yourself.

What is your body doing when you think about the person with whom you would like a healthy relationship? Is your body tense - is your heart racing, are your muscles tight, is your mouth dry? Something else?

Perhaps your thoughts are fast and difficult to get hold of as you consider what the best way to approach the other person is. Do you notice that you are trying too hard to 'get it right'? Maybe you are ambivalent about whether to make contact or not - you may recall the last time you saw them and remember how painful and anxiety-provoking that was.  You may be aware of the last time you 'got it wrong' and the insults or silence that followed.

Why bother?

We are relational beings and have a profound need to be connected to other people.  Sometimes we try and build relationships with other people because they are related to us or there is another reason that they are going to be in our lives. Perhaps we long for closeness and find it difficult to accept that the other person does not want to be in a relationship with us.

Where does people pleasing come from?

People pleasing comes from our survival brain (our amygdala). It is an automatic response which is connected to safety - fight, flight, freeze, fawn (people please), or flop.

If we have been traumatised, our survival brain will be hyper-vigilant to threat or perceived threat. Threats can include being rejected or abandoned - this fear of loss matters.

What foundation is the relationship built on?

It can be helpful to consider what foundation the relationship is built on. Does this need to be adjusted/can it be adjusted? A quick look at the dynamics over the months/years will help us establish if it is possible to work on the relationship or not.

Letting go

Letting go is really hard. Sometimes we may find ourselves saying, "Why don't I just..."  Maybe other people say, "Why don't you just..." Letting go is painful and difficult. It can lead to feelings of grief, including sadness, anxiety, anger and much more.

Relationships are complex

It is inevitable that relationships go through many changes. It is vital that we know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like personally and professionally. In healthy relationships, it is possible to repair any ruptures and to be able to speak without needing to second-guess the response of someone else.

Would you like some support?

If you would like to explore your relationship with yourself and with other people, it may be helpful to seek professional support with a Counsellor.