ADHD in women: The hidden struggle and why it’s not a superpower

For much of my life, I was told I had potential but just didn’t apply myself. I struggled in or walked out of exams, found myself daydreaming when I should have been focused and, later, numbed my restlessness with alcohol, sugar, and other substances. I was too much - too emotional, too sensitive, too intense.

Over the years, I received various diagnoses: generalised anxiety disorder, bipolar, endometriosis, depression, PTSD. But the root cause? That remained elusive. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with ADHD that everything started making sense.

The reality of living with ADHD

ADHD in women is often missed. Instead of the hyperactive, disruptive stereotype, many of us present as inattentive, overwhelmed, or emotionally dysregulated. We develop coping strategies - perfectionism and people-pleasing - just to navigate the world. But these come at a cost: exhaustion, burnout, and a constant feeling of failure.

Why ADHD is not a superpower

There’s an increasing trend of people online claiming that ADHD is a superpower. And I get it - it’s an attempt to reframe struggles into strengths, a way to find empowerment in a life that has often felt like wading through quicksand. But, for many of us, ADHD isn’t a quirky, creative gift - it’s a condition that impacts every aspect of life, from relationships to career stability to basic daily functioning.

The reality is that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that, without the right support, can lead to chronic overwhelm, poor self-esteem, and a deep sense of never quite belonging. The idea that ADHD is a superpower dismisses the very real struggles of those who have spent their lives trying to fit into a world that isn’t built for them. It also reinforces the notion that if we just ‘harness’ it correctly, we won’t struggle. But no amount of reframing changes the fact that executive dysfunction makes life harder.

Forgetting appointments, losing track of conversations, struggling to start or complete tasks - these aren’t superpowers. They are daily battles.

Why ADHD in women goes unnoticed: The masking problem

Historically, ADHD has been framed as a condition affecting hyperactive boys, leading to a diagnostic bias that has left generations of women struggling in silence. Instead of externalised hyperactivity, many girls develop internal coping mechanisms, suppressing their struggles while maintaining an outward appearance of competence. The ability to ‘mask’ is to mimic neurotypical behaviours and push through, becomes both a survival skill and a source of deep exhaustion.

But here’s the thing - I don’t think masking exists in the way people claim. Masking implies that we’re consciously choosing to hide our ADHD traits, when, in reality, many of us weren’t aware that we were doing anything abnormal in the first place. We were simply trying to survive in a world that demanded structure, consistency, and self-regulation - things that don’t come naturally to the ADHD brain. What people call masking, I call forced adaptation. And it comes at a cost.

Many women don’t realise they have ADHD until adulthood, when life demands increase and coping mechanisms start to fail. Work, relationships, parenthood - each new responsibility stretches executive function to its limits. What once felt like a manageable (albeit frustrating) struggle, turns into chronic overwhelm. And by the time we realise that our struggles have a name, we’re often already battling years of burnout and self-doubt.

ADHD, trauma, and misdiagnosis

Instead of receiving the correct diagnosis early on, women with ADHD are often misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, or even bipolar disorder. The emotional highs and lows, impulsivity, and sensory sensitivities of ADHD can mimic mood disorders, leading to years of incorrect treatments that don’t address the underlying neurodevelopmental condition.

Moreover, ADHD and trauma frequently coexist. Many undiagnosed women develop trauma responses as a result of ongoing struggles with emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, and feeling fundamentally different from their peers. Growing up constantly feeling like you’re failing at things that seem effortless to others creates a deeply ingrained sense of shame. This shame then influences every interaction, leading to heightened sensitivity to criticism, fear of rejection, and an internal narrative of not being ‘good enough.’

This intersection between ADHD and trauma means that therapy must be tailored to address both. Traditional ADHD management tools - like rigid schedules and behavioural interventions - often fail for women who have spent their entire lives navigating complex emotional landscapes. Instead, therapy needs to acknowledge the layers of lived experience that come with late diagnosis.

The impact of late diagnosis

A late diagnosis can be both a relief and a grief process. Many women feel validation in finally understanding why they have struggled for so long, but they also mourn the years lost to self-blame. The realisation that their challenges were never about laziness or lack of willpower can be liberating, but it can also bring anger, sadness, and regret.

Additionally, the emotional toll of years spent without the right support can manifest in chronic stress, self-doubt, and difficulty maintaining self-worth. Relationships, career paths, and even physical health can be affected by undiagnosed ADHD, leaving many women in a cycle of overwhelm and self-recrimination.

How therapy can help

Psychotherapy offers a vital space for women with ADHD to unpick years of self-doubt and shame. Therapy provides:

• Understanding and reframing experiences: Many women internalise their struggles as personal failings rather than symptoms of a neurodevelopmental condition. Therapy helps shift this perspective, allowing clients to see themselves with compassion rather than criticism.
• Emotional regulation tools: ADHD can heighten emotional responses, making distress and frustration feel unbearable. Through trauma-informed techniques, therapy supports emotional regulation, helping women manage stress and prevent burnout.
• Addressing rejection sensitivity: Rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is a common but lesser-known aspect of ADHD, where perceived criticism or failure leads to intense emotional pain. Therapy helps clients navigate these feelings and build resilience.
• Body-based awareness: Somatic approaches, breathwork, and grounding techniques help ADHD individuals reconnect with their bodies, moving away from dissociation and into presence.
• Practical strategies for daily life: Therapy provides structured techniques for managing executive dysfunction, from planning and organisation to boundary-setting and self-advocacy.

Healing and rewriting the narrative

For those navigating late-diagnosed ADHD, therapy isn’t just about managing symptoms - it’s about rewriting the narrative of who we are. It helps us reclaim parts of ourselves that have been buried under years of forced adaptation, exhaustion, and self-doubt. With the right support, women with ADHD can move from a space of survival into one of thriving.

We are not broken. We were simply misunderstood. And now, we get to redefine our own story.