ADHD and 'Out of sight, out of mind'

Object permanence: the recognition that something/someone continues to exist even when they cannot be seen. It’s a concept typically associated with early child development, but it has great relevance in adult life for people with ADHD.

For many neurotypical people, once something has been mentally noted, it remains somewhere in the background of their awareness until it is acted upon. Exceptions to this include times of stress and pressure. But for people with ADHD, the way attention works can disrupt this internal filing system.

Hyperfocus, mental clutter and distractibility mean that if something isn’t right in front of you either visually or mentally, it may as well not exist. Therefore, ‘out of sight’ literally becomes 'out of mind’.

Understanding the psychological impact

Forgetting to contact a friend or loved one, losing track of appointments or neglecting that task or chore isn’t a sign of irresponsibility; it’s part of the reality of living with a brain that doesn’t regulate attention in the same way as a neurotypical one. 

But when you’re once again overwhelmed and feeling behind in life, the inner critic can have a field day, reminding you how rubbish you are or, even worse, perhaps those around you are rolling their eyes and engaging in unhelpful micro-aggressions. This can lead to self-criticism, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.

Start with self-compassion

If you are the person with ADHD or you suspect you have ADHD, you need to start with a big dollop of self-compassion. This means actively reminding yourself (all the time) that this is not a character flaw. These are challenges rooted in brain wiring, not morality.

This proactive self-kindness can act as a buffer when you are prone to feeling guilt or shame for having missed something. And it’s from this gentler, kinder place that real, sustainable change can occur. Because when you stop trying to fit in and instead start finding ways that actually work for you, things start to get a lot easier.

Practical strategies

That said, strategies are everything. Don’t kid yourself that you’ll pop that appointment in the diary later, that you’ll come back to finish that mundane chore or even that you’ll remember to check in on that friend. This is not how your brain works.

Develop your self-awareness, do your research, ask around, try things out. Understand ‘you’ and find out what strategies suit you best. Here are a few things that can help:

Visual cues:

• keeping things in sight where possible, e.g. open shelving, transparent storage
• Post-it notes, reminders, whiteboards (left in visible places)

Digital support:

• alarms
• calendar reminders
• reminder apps, e.g. Google Keep
• task planners, e.g. Trello, Asana
• digital notepads (to save having multiple notepads on the go!)

External accountability:

Software can be really helpful, but we also sometimes need someone to help remind us to check it. Body doubling can really benefit ADHDers. 

• co-working sessions, either virtually or in-person
• chores and study done alongside a friend/partner
• accountability checks (letting someone know what you are planning to do and then checking back in when done)

Note: this does not need to be infantilising. It’s about creating a structure that enables you to activate your brain’s motivation system (dopamine). Connecting with other ADHDers or simply reaching out to a supportive friend or family member can really help with momentum.

Act immediately:

When I say don’t kid yourself, you’ll get to something later, I really mean it – believe me – I live it! Your brain doesn’t work that way – no shame – it just needs a different strategy.

• If it’s a quick task and you have time to do it straight away, do so.
• For tasks that need longer, make a note, set an alarm, stick it in the calendar, put it in a notebook (or that digital notepad, even better).
• Send yourself an email, text, WhatsApp or voice message (especially handy when you are out and about).

These are all tried and tested strategies used by ADHDers. It will take a period of experimentation to work out what works best for you. What works can also change over time, so be ready to swap and change your strategies to suit your circumstances and your energy levels.

It can also help to connect with other ADHDers and/or a coach if needed, to create your own personal toolkit. 

Over time, you will find out what works best for you and with self-compassion and self-awareness, you are more likely to be kind to yourself when things go wrong (which they will and that’s ok!).

Supporting someone with ADHD

If you are a friend or supporter of someone with ADHD, note all of the above. Supporters are fundamental in showing positive regard and compassion. For the late diagnosed, especially, there may be a history of trauma, blame and criticism that has negatively impacted their self-esteem.

For too long, people have been told they are not good enough because they don’t fit neurotypical standards. Years of trying to adapt may have led to anxiety, depression, substance abuse and other poor life experiences.

If you know someone who has object permanence challenges, please know that it’s not personal. Your friend, partner, or colleague isn’t forgetting you because you’re unimportant. Far from it. They may simply be overwhelmed, overstimulated or unable to retain the thread of connection or information without an external prompt.

Support might look like:

• gentle check-ins (no judgement)
• providing support if asked
• being kind
• a broader view: compassion and advocacy

Supporting ADHD and other neurodivergencies is both an internal and external process. Whether we are working to understand ourselves or to learning how to better support others, we all have a role in advocating for a society which is more flexible and inclusive. 

This includes everything from challenging stigma, reviewing and improving systems and processes and rethinking what successful communities look like. Because neurodiversity has always existed, and we miss out on opportunities to unlock talent when we stick to only neurotypical ways of being. 

Compassion and awareness sit at the heart of it all. Not just as personal traits but as cultural values that we can choose to uphold and model.

If you would like individual support with ADHD, please contact a professional who can support you in processing past experiences whilst working with you to build personalised strategies that work for you and your brain.