A journey to peace: how therapy can help with anxiety

As a child, I remember creating worst-case scenarios in order to feel relieved and boosted when things would turn out better than expected. Little did I know that whilst this behaviour soothed me, it was becoming a habit, which, whilst protecting me and providing reassurance in the moment, was actually detrimental to my self-esteem.

A little worry is normal when proportional to our stressful circumstances; however, if used as a coping mechanism, anxiety can become a difficult cycle to break. Rather than our brains thinking about how to solve our problems, we catastrophise, compare ourselves and think negatively.

These thoughts that we engage in create further feelings of uncertainty and fear, and this process is called anxiety. We become addicted to the reassurance it gives us for the time we engage in it. Unfortunately, this relief is very short-lived before the next worry is added, and so on, and the process continues.

How does anxiety develop?

Anxiety can develop when we feel unconnected to others – no parent or carer is able to soothe us or be emotionally available 100% of the time. We therefore have to find ways to self-soothe, and this is where anxiety enters the picture. 

Our family’s emotional structure determines our response to feeling let down and seeking reassurance. As we grow up, this is added to by our exposure to the wider world. We form narratives about who we believe we are based on our experiences and the opinions of others, rather than trusting our own assessments of ourselves. We unwittingly verify these narratives by unconsciously seeking confirmation that they are true.

We can have had a happy childhood, but our unique developmental factors shape how we respond to feeling alone, rejected and afraid. We then just accept the way we are reacting to the world, without realising we have more control than we think we do.

Challenging experiences growing up can impact us negatively, resulting in feeling inferior or fearful that others might find us unintelligent, boring, or inconsequential. We may be ambitious, but the drive to succeed can add pressure and create thought patterns that work against us, and we can habitually catastrophise worst-case scenarios: "What if I don't meet my targets?" "I’m going to let them down" "What if they don't like me?".

Despite being capable and successful, we can believe a narrative that we aren't enough, don't fit in, can't find love, and we may be self-critical and sabotage ourselves. We may pretend to be confident, but this can be easily derailed by our perceived failures, and we may compare ourselves unfavourably to others. 

What are the physical symptoms of anxiety?

We may experience physical symptoms of anxiety. For example, we may be aware of our heart pounding, even in situations that for others may be low-stress situations. In meetings, we might feel cold and shaky while also sweating, notice sweaty hands, or find ourselves needing the toilet more frequently.

We can feel elated but exhausted when interactions with others conclude, and find ourselves always rushing and flustered, despite needing to slow down and focus on how to achieve our aim. We might suffer digestive issues, jaw tension, headaches and neck and shoulder pain.

What triggers anxiety?

Pressure to achieve (which is often strongest from ourselves) and fears that others perceive us negatively are common anxiety triggers.

If we struggle and do not have the support of loved ones, such as when having difficult times at work, travelling alone, greater responsibility than we are comfortable with, unwanted endings, past regrets, or grief, for example, we engage our anxious process.

If we are unable to express ourselves or feel we cannot share our troubles, our anxious feelings increase. When others offer unsolicited advice, it can also leave us feeling dismissed, unheard, incapable and frustrated.

What causes anxiety?

Anxiety can have different causes. Often, issues arising from parental attachment and parenting styles, familial expectations, a feeling of being different, not belonging, fear of getting it wrong or upsetting others, being ridiculed or maligned for the way we look or behave, being uncertain of our identity, being suppressed, dismissed, shamed, among other factors, can all play a part.

We can become skilled at burying things that cause us emotional pain, and we therefore start to ruminate – catastrophising, comparing ourselves, thinking we know what others think of us, criticising ourselves and others, thinking people don't care about us or worrying that we will never be in a romantic relationship. Anxiety becomes our coping mechanism, even though we are unaware that we are using it in this way.

Why do I feel alone all the time?

It is possible to have large social networks and still feel alone. We may feel things are good in our lives and not understand why we doubt ourselves and are anxious.

Dr Russel Kennedy said, “All anxiety is separation anxiety”. If we have an argument with our nearest and dearest, we tend to be more critical of ourselves and others in the aftermath. When we are worrying about a project or situation, we are not present in our relationships. When we do not feel genuinely connected to others, we doubt our place in the world. If we cannot be authentic for fear of judgement or being given unwanted "solutions”, we feel disconnected.

When we suppress our emotions, we separate from ourselves and lose the ability to trust our internal guidance system or “gut”, and if we do this habitually, we struggle to connect with others. These things cause our anxious thinking patterns to become engaged. We switch from being guided by our genuine emotions (not to be confused with “emotions” generated by anxious thoughts) to anxiety. If you habitually feel guilty, your guilt may be more about what you are not doing for yourself rather than what you aren’t doing for anyone else.

How do I overcome my anxiety?

For many people, feeling more connected to themselves and others can play an important role in easing anxiety. Therapy can allow us to see how our unique upbringing and family system, experiences at school, work and in wider society have shaped us and have contributed to how we think and behave towards ourselves and others, and why we make the decisions we do. We often overlook our positive feedback and take for granted our skills, talents and abilities, tending to focus on our perceived failures and shame.

Once such things move from our unconscious to conscious awareness, we can begin to change our behaviour, and move away from people pleasing, anxiety and low self-esteem towards self-acceptance and self-certainty and live in greater peace. We can trust that the decisions we make are right for us. Once a decision is made, we can accept the course and let go of self-doubt, knowing we can deal with whatever the consequences, good or bad.

Any mistakes we make provide us with the valuable gift of learning, for how else do we reach the confidence and self-certainty that comes with older age, unless we can be certain of which decisions serve us and which don't? 

What is it like to overcome anxiety?

Negative thinking can affect all of us from time to time; however, once we become conscious of our underlying emotional and subsequent behavioural responses, we are better able to trust ourselves and feel at peace.

When we are authentic, it is easier to seek support from others and feel confident about whatever course of action we decide. When we know ourselves, we can choose what we think and focus on what will help us, not what won't. Understanding the difference between thoughts and emotions, and determining whether an emotion is genuine or of our own anxious creation, helps us stop spiralling.

We are more able to maintain our centre, rather than being ruled by our emotions. When we trust ourselves, when our attachment is secure, when we are more self-compassionate, we make good relating and good relationship choices, and we feel more connected to ourselves and our communities.