Why would women want to see a male counsellor?

In this article I want to explore what motivates women to see a male counsellor and what a male counsellor can provide a female client that they feel they cannot get elsewhere.

While both male and female clients might have no discernible reasons to pick a male or female counsellor, I have experienced many female clients wanting to work with me because I am a man - why is that? I have often pondered in my sessions and on reflection of them.

What I have discovered is that some women seek me out as they want to be able to trust in men and need to experience a positive male role model. This need can form part of their healing process, from quite literally what they experienced at the hands of their fathers, brothers, lovers and husbands, be it physical, sexual or psychological abuse. They want to believe and behold a softer, nurturing, sensitive and understanding man to help restore their faith in men.

This can be a huge responsibility on a male counsellor to represent the good guys, one in which the counsellor needs to be genuine and willing to be with their client's struggle to heal themselves from the hurt they have experienced through their relationships with men.

Another more subtle reason, and sometimes not fully acknowledged by female clients, is their struggle to understand men, particularly in relationship to the men in their lives. They might seek a male counsellor to help them understand their man, this too can be a huge responsibility on the counsellor, as it could feel that the client has brought their man with them. And while the counsellor can acknowledge this need, what he cannot do is unlock what could seem to be the client's need to understand what they feel is the dark secrets of men.

It might feel like their expectation is to the counsellor that he can be the key to help them understand these dark secrets, which he cannot do, yet he can enable his client to better understand themselves in how they can relate to men through their relationship with him.

Often what is at the root of women's difficulties in relating with men is the relationship they have had with their fathers when they were children, whether their father was distant, disapproving, uninterested, overprotective, pushy, aggressive, or left the family home. This developmental experience with their fathers can result in women misunderstanding men, being mistrustful of them, choosing men who will be like their father, leading to similar experiences that can be unfulfilling relationships at best or destructive ones at worse.

The counsellor's role is very much about enabling his client to accept that they cannot hold themselves responsible for the actions of their father, that it was not their fault how their father behaved towards them, and that they have choices about who they have relationships with. The key to any shift in a person's behaviour is about perception and awareness. Through this, one now has choice. It may still feel difficult to change, yet the process has started and it is very hard to go back to how things were.

Another factor in enabling change is that the male counsellor might be mirroring to his client, through their therapeutic relationship, a different way of relating with men, one which is healthy, unconditional and acceptant. This could enable them to take back their own personal power that they have unconsciously given to men, thus helping empower them.

What is important in the person centred counselling approach I have been describing is that every person who enters into counselling experiences the counsellor's desire and willingness to be with them on their journey to heal themselves from whatever psychological scar they feel has been bestowed upon them, whether they feel it was self inflicted or done to them.

No matter how painful that journey may be, the counsellor should not shirk from being willing to be psychologically available to their client. Fundamentally it is through a genuine, empathic and acceptant relationship clients can heal themselves.