Understanding co-dependent relationships

Co-dependent relationships occur where one or both parties subconsciously collude to fulfil the needs or requirements of the other.  This has the benefit of one or both of the parties not having to directly ask for what they need (or meet their needs themselves), but the downside is feelings of resentment and disconnect, as both parties hide aspects of themselves from the other.

How co-dependent relationships form 

Co-dependent relationships arise when one person feels they lack in a particular area. For example, they might find it hard to make decisions, so when they meet someone very decisive, they may feel it is a ‘perfect match’. 

It’s important to distinguish between healthy differences and offering support and unhealthy dependence. There are inevitably things others do better than we do, and one of the joys of a relationship is that we can share our talents and abilities. However, we must be careful not to find a relationship in which we remain ‘stuck’. Someone who is indecisive yet chooses a very decisive partner may never have the opportunity to develop their own autonomy and ability to make life decisions, for example. 

In some cases, choosing a partner who can ‘do things’ for us might be a way for us to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves. It is easy not to do the work we know we need to do when our partner will willingly do this for us. 

How do we stay stuck?

Once we have set up this ‘contract’ with someone - e.g. they make all the decisions so you don’t need to express your own autonomy, it can be hard to break it. 

A sense of guilt will often arise when one party senses something unhealthy in the dynamic and attempts to redress it. For example, the partner who makes all the decisions may feel that they are being unfair in trying to persuade their partner to choose for themselves. They may perhaps make excuses for them, and continue the unhealthy dynamic because that is how it’s always been and is comfortable. 

When someone tries to find a healthier balance in the relationship, it can even spark a defensive response from the partner. They are being challenged to address parts of themselves they attempted to cover up by entering the relationship in the first place! They might respond angrily when challenged to change, this can lead to the partner who wants to drive the positive change ‘backing down’ to keep the peace. 

Interdependence 

If we are not our true selves in a relationship, it might be worth considering why we are in it. If our partner reacts with hostility to a suggestion that they choose a restaurant for a change, for example, is this something we want to keep experiencing for ourselves? 

It is often the case that when we change, others adapt with us and we can establish a healthier relationship dynamic. Sometimes, however, our partner is unwilling to change, and when this is the case, we must prioritise our well-being. We must not keep ourselves stuck in a pattern where we are restricted and held back when we seek positive change. 

In a healthy relationship, we have interdependence. We feel content and complete as individuals, yet we enjoy one another’s company too. If our ability to be autonomous and independent is not encouraged in a relationship, it might be time to be a bit ‘selfish’.  

Selfishness or kindness?

One of the reasons many people stay in co-dependent relationships is that putting themselves first feels too hard. It feels selfish to do so, and selfishness is something none of us want to be.

Considering the above example, is it really selfish to call out an unhealthy dynamic and make positive steps to limit its impact? It’s certainly better for you, and it’s better for the person exhibiting the unhealthy behaviour too. Colluding with someone is never helpful, and it’s selfish, as it’s putting your desire to avoid conflict before the authentic need for personal growth and development. 

How therapy can help 

Through couples therapy, a therapist can highlight areas of co-dependency in a relationship. They can then work with both of you to create a healthier balance and adapt your behaviour individually so it feels fairer and there is less resentment and more support and space for one another. 

Working individually can help you develop the skills to be more assertive in a relationship as well as identify areas you could work on to be more self-sufficient and less ‘needy’ of your partner. This puts you in a much stronger position in the relationship, and offers a better chance for it to grow and develop, if this is your wish.