Overcoming shyness: Re-discovering your confidence and self-worth

Being shy can be a completely debilitating affliction as you will be hard-pressed to find a work environment, social activity or hobby that doesn’t (at least at some point) involve dealing with other people.

The symptoms of shyness can be paralysing. You may feel frozen with fear, the anxiety so strong you cannot even focus on what is being said to you, making you feel even worse as you cannot ‘hold a conversation’, and all you want to do is escape and hide for eternity. It can feel like a truly impossible catch-22 however as, ‘unfortunately’, there is no hiding from other people forever. 

When asked what it is most shy people fear in social interactions it usually comes down to the same thing – judgement. We fear we are being judged. We fear we might ‘slip up’ and be found wanting. We might fear there is something ‘bad’ that will be exposed or seen by another if we linger for too long in their company, and we would rather hide than risk this happening. 

What is it we are hiding? What about ourselves feels so terrible that we cannot bear the idea that someone might even guess what it is?

Shyness and shame

Many shy people have a deep sense of there being something wrong with them, or ‘shame’. It can be very hard to identify this in therapy as shame notoriously likes to hide in the dark. In my work as a therapist I’m yet to find a legitimate reason for shame in a client and, as what they ‘feel’ is shameful is slowly uncovered, we realise together it was more often than not just a clever trick of the mind to keep them feeling ‘small’ – perhaps a crucial survival mechanism in childhood.

When a person feels small, they are inevitably going to want to hide. A busy social environment with ‘competent, capable adults’ feels far too overwhelming. And so a vicious cycle is set up — shame drives us to hide, and because we hide, we continue to feel ashamed. 

Childhood origins

For most people, shyness has its origins in childhood. We are so often judged or labelled at school and sometimes by our parents it can be difficult to see we are quite enough as we are. The way we are raised sets in us a need to impress or ‘be seen as worthy’ in the eyes of others, and this is particularly the case if we had parents or teachers who were difficult (or impossible!) to please. 

This dynamic sets up a desperate sort of cycle in which the shy person seeks validation from others while at the same time believing it can never be given. It feels much easier for them to just avoid people altogether, but as we know, this is not possible. This is why shyness can feel so paralysing. It truly feels like an impossible situation. 

How therapy can help

Through therapy, we can develop our ability to feel strong enough in ourselves to withstand any real or perceived judgements from others. Our sense of self does not depend on others’ opinions and so we are quite happy being in their company, as what they think of us or how they behave towards us truly has no impact on our self-esteem.

It can take time to unravel the idea that our self-worth is tied up in the opinions of others, but with therapy, we can learn to depend and rely on ourselves. It might be that we do avoid certain social interactions in future (does anyone really like long drawn-out ‘networking events’?! (perhaps) but if we do choose not to go it will be because it is our choice, not because we are fearful. Shyness, if left unchecked, can wreak havoc in our lives. But we can take back control and start feeling better. We can start right now.