Counsellor or friend: Who should you talk to?

A common question I often hear is, "What’s the point of therapy? I pay someone just to listen. Why can't I talk to family or friends?" It’s a valid question. While talking to loved ones can be beneficial, there are important differences in how therapists listen compared to friends or family. Let’s explore these differences and understand the unique value a counsellor can offer.

The art of listening

Listening is a fundamental tool in therapy. But why is it so effective? When we articulate our thoughts out loud, we gain clarity about what’s happening inside our minds. Thoughts may seem reasonable when they're just in our heads, but vocalizing them often reveals how they truly sound. This process helps us critically evaluate our own beliefs and feelings.

Research shows that verbalising our emotions can reduce their intensity. This occurs because our emotions originate in the limbic system, a primal part of the brain responsible for our fight-or-flight response. By articulating our feelings, we engage the prefrontal cortex, which helps manage and regulate our emotions. Less intense emotions become more manageable.

Does it matter who listens?

So, does it matter whether you talk to a counsellor or a friend? While speaking with a compassionate family member or friend can be helpful, there are crucial distinctions in how therapists listen. Listening involves more than just hearing words; it’s about understanding the underlying meaning and emotions behind them. As Simon & Garfunkel sang in "The Sound of Silence," "People hearing without listening." Hearing and listening are not the same; hearing is about receiving sound, whereas listening involves comprehension and empathy. Unfortunately, not always our friends and family know how to listen. 

In therapy, we focus on truly listening, not just hearing. Words are only a part of communication; approximately 80% of it is non-verbal. The alignment between what we say and how we say it is crucial. Often, people report feeling unheard because their verbal and non-verbal messages don’t match. For instance, setting boundaries might come across as a question rather than a clear statement from people who have low self-esteem.

Therapists are trained to address these discrepancies. We work on integrating the message and the emotions that accompany it, something that friends might not always be equipped to handle.

The therapeutic process

Counselling involves more than just listening. Therapists provide a safe space to explore and understand your thoughts and emotions. We help you identify patterns, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and develop coping strategies. This structured approach is designed to facilitate personal growth and emotional healing.

While friends and family can offer support, they may not always have the skills or objectivity needed to navigate complex emotional landscapes. Therapists bring a professional perspective and expertise to help you work through issues in a way that is often beyond the scope of casual conversations.

In summary, while talking to friends and family can be supportive, the professional listening and structured approach offered by counsellors provide unique benefits. Therapists are trained to listen actively, understand both verbal and non-verbal communication, and help you navigate your emotional landscape with greater clarity and purpose. If you're seeking deeper insights and effective strategies for personal growth, therapy might be the right choice for you.