Monika Allen

I don’t know yet what is going on in your life that has brought you here to my page. But you're very welcome.

I do know, whatever thoughts or feelings guided you to be curious about therapy, you and all your thoughts and feelings deserve to be carefully listened to and for you to hear a meaningful and helpful response. 

Perhaps you are feeling anxious or depressed and you're struggling to recover your enjoyment in life. Strategies that worked for you in the past are no longer effective. This causes long-term stress and leaves you frustrated and unhappy.

If you want to change your situation on the outside, it’s good to start by looking at what you can change on the inside. And you need some help to achieve the change you're looking for.

Some thoughts that you might come to me for help in resolving are

• I'm not OK but others are OK
• I'm not good enough
• I feel stupid
• I think I'm a ‘bad’ person
• I'm always stuck in a cycle of self-blame and shame
• I can't stop my negative self-talk and feelings of guilt
• I'm afraid to make a mistake - I have to be perfect 

When you think about your life, do you find that you are

• always pleasing others and not attending to your own needs
• unable to switch off from unpleasant feelings and thoughts 
• often feeling emotionally numb or disconnected
• struggling to maintain your relationship(s)
• experiencing burnout and exhaustion

Or perhaps you just know “something is not quite right in my life” but you can’t pinpoint what it is, leaving you with feelings of dissatisfaction and chronic unhappiness.

And you ask yourself "Is it me?"

When any of these issues arise, other issues usually come along. 

What to look out for

You can't find peace and joy in your life. Your sense of well-being, physically and mentally, may be reduced or destroyed. You might find yourself sliding into unhealthy or even self-destructive behaviours. Your persistent self-doubt leads to anxiety and depression, causing relationship problems and anger issues. You have a feeling that you do not quite know who you are. 

You may notice any (or several) of the following…

• You have become isolated from your family and friends, fearful to allow anyone to glimpse what’s really going on inside for you. 
• You have to do everything yourself, intellectualising and over-analysing to avoid your own feelings. 
• You have turned into a ‘people pleaser’ - with your big heart but a diminished sense of your own independence, beset by a lack of boundaries, losing your sense of agency. 
• Your life has become one of always thinking of others first and doing your best to meet the expectations of your partner, relatives, friends, colleagues, and boss - even when this means you neglect your own needs.
• You feel driven to be a perfectionist and a superwoman or superman.
• You're always on the go, hypercritical of your achievements and setting yourself unrealistic standards. You cannot allow things to be simply “good enough”. You work constantly to improve yourself, becoming a workaholic or overdoing the gym membership to cope.
• You are concerned that you are in the “wrong” relationship. You have become enmeshed, and co-dependent, losing your healthy sense of self. (Or perhaps you never have experienced a healthy sense of self?) And although you know it is currently unhealthy and not right for you, you feel confused, scared, stuck or even powerless over what to do about this.

The impact of the past on the here and now

The truth is that patterns of thought and behaviour like these are rooted in your subconscious, built on beliefs that can be hidden deep in your history. Your experience of childhood trauma - through abandonment, neglect, physical, sexual or emotional abuse - can have major consequences, if not resolved through awareness and guided exploration. 

Surviving childhood, when your own resources are much less than they are now, means you had to adapt - you created strategies to get by, and you learned to mask real feelings and needs. Those adaptations carry through into adult life and produce “fixed” behaviours and responses, repeating the past trauma in the here and now. 

For example, being bullied or shamed as a child can greatly reduce your capacity to trust and relate easily and joyfully to others (and of course, to yourself).

If you were brought up by narcissistic parents, whose own expectations and ambitions are the measure of your worth, you might end up falling into a relationship now with a narcissist. And this can make it seem impossible to find a healthy, wholesome sense of self.

Instead, you always feel responsible for everything that’s going wrong. 

Struggling to cope with any inner feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and even self-loathing can show up in physical illnesses and exhaustion beyond simply being ‘tired’.

How I can help you start to heal

You might have tried all sorts of ways to help yourself. 

A good start is learning about these roots that have diminished your healthy sense of self  - but it’s rarely enough.

You need someone who can gently explore with you how ‘old’ patterns are playing out now and how you and your past trauma responses (your survival adaptations from childhood) are being triggered now.

I welcome all of you, especially those parts you find hard to accept about yourself or that you criticise about yourself. I’ll be at your side, guiding you safely at your own pace, and expertly through gentle, sensitive challenges at a level far deeper than most counselling.  

I am alongside you, all the way, as you explore what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. I will help you find the missing piece of the puzzle so that you can connect with yourself and become fully aware of what you need so that you are able to respond appropriately in the here and now.

In the short term, over a few weeks, your growing awareness will lead to you discovering healthier coping strategies for your current difficulties and/or past traumas.  Working together means it’s safe to shine a light on your darker corners, welcoming your shadow side and eliminating that half-buried sense of shame. I’m here to help you face your doubts and fears, to resolve them, leaving you free to be truly yourself.

In our work together, we stay with whatever arises in a self-compassionate, non-judgmental way. We will be working at your chosen pace, attending to your fears and resistances by accepting exactly where you are in each moment. In this way, a new, more relaxed, peaceful and joyful way of being can emerge. Your change occurs naturally and organically without you needing to be any other way than you already are.

This paves the way for you to learn to accept yourself fully.

Longer-term therapy can help you to change to becoming ‘response-able’. This means you begin acting from a grounded stance of feeling empowered and knowing that you are OK. It can help you clarify your boundaries, setting or resetting them and giving you the assertiveness tools to keep them.

Working with me, in a therapeutic relationship, you don’t have to get rid of or suppress any part of yourself. Instead, you learn how all the parts of you have been formed and discover effective ways to deal with them.

When we work together, I will offer to be alongside you to explore what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. I will help you find the missing piece of the puzzle so that you can connect with yourself and become fully aware of what you need. This is how I facilitate your healing process: so that you find joy, peace and serenity and gain more control of yourself and your life. 

Beyond the healing.

And if you want to, we can go beyond working through your immediate problems. 

I can help you to explore your deeper relationship with yourself - so that you come to fully appreciate the context of your whole life and find resources and positive ways to respond to your life situation, including spirituality and transpersonal issues. 

Here are some of the reasons to work with me

• Believing you are not OK but others are OK
• Believing you are not good enough
• Believing you are stupid
• Believing you are a ‘bad’ person
• Getting caught up in a cycle of self-blame and shame
• Stuck in negative self-talk and feelings of guilt
• Being afraid to make a mistake and being driven to be perfect 
• Always pleasing others and not attending to your own needs
• Unable to switch off from unpleasant feelings and thoughts 
• Often feeling emotionally numb or disconnected
• Struggling to maintain your relationship(s)
• Experiencing burnout and exhaustion

Or perhaps you just know “something is not quite right in my life” but you can’t pinpoint what it is, leaving you with feelings of dissatisfaction and chronic unhappiness.

I don't want anyone to miss out on the therapy I can provide because of a lack of money. So if you're truly struggling with this for any reason,  please call me for a free initial telephone conversation - there is no charge for this.

Face to face

Dedicated rooms in quiet Lincolnshire village of Goxhill.

Location

Goxhill is easily accessible by car south of the Humber Bridge.

Close to Hull and Beverley, within 90 minute drive from Scarborough, York and Leeds.

Online

Skype - Zoom

Phone

07751 950249