Why therapy? Why me? Why now?

“Why therapy? I haven’t had anything traumatic happen to me.”

“Other people are worse off than me.”

“I should get on with it and stop moaning about my problems.”

I have worked with people who felt bad about being in therapy. They felt their problems were not big enough to take the seat of someone who really needed it. I was one of them, too. I was conditioned to believe that therapy would bring shame, and I was worried about what people would think of me. It felt lonely and as if I was carrying around a big weight.

There is a general assumption that, unless you have suffered a trauma, are at a crisis point or are diagnosed with a mental health illness, that you should continue to face your problems alone – because you are OK. People often feel they are weak in coming to therapy, that it is self-indulgent or selfish. People often worry that it creates a ‘victim mentality’. In response to that, I say that there will always be someone better off or worse off than you, but every person has their own life story, and the right to tell their story.

Our problems, the way we face, react and respond to them, depend on our personal experiences, beliefs, morals, upbringing and more. So, your problems, your feelings, your loss, your disappointments, your anxieties, your sadness, and your frustration do matter, and you have the right to be heard because it is your unique story

“If I talk about my feelings, I feel vulnerable, and it makes me feel weak. I should be positive.”

Sometimes, we fight our emotions because we don’t want to feel sad, hurt, angry or anxious, and we find ourselves in a constant battle, looking for a quick fix. We feel pressure to 'be OK'. It’s like wearing an uncomfortable pair of shoes. They look good from the outside, but they are uncomfortable, and they hurt so much.

How would it feel to embrace your feelings? To sit with them and allow them to come and go like a wave? Is it possible that talking about feelings and allowing yourself to stay with these uncomfortable emotions and to navigate them could make you stronger and lighter?

When we feel overwhelmed, we can feel anxious and confused. We don’t know what’s going on because we are afraid to feel, to face life head-on, and we push our feelings down, denying ourselves the chance to understand them and attach words to them.

I often use Janina Fisher’s analogy of the wardrobe. We each have a wardrobe with outfits for different occasions. Imagine replacing the clothes in your wardrobe with feelings. There is a range of emotions from happiness to sadness, anger to fear, etc. Why not wear them?

How would it feel to use this analogy and to think about the feelings you are afraid to 'wear'? You may not like the outfit/feeling you have in that moment, but that is the moment you are in, and that is OK. If it rains, we can use an umbrella, and the sun will come out eventually!

Feelings do not define who we are. We all have our own stories and feelings that come and go. We are not sad, angry, anxious or happy people. We are people who sometimes feel sad, angry, anxious or happy.

The pressure of positive thinking

I believe that positive thinking can be immensely helpful to find motivation and hope; however, sometimes the pressure to be positive or think positively can become toxic, can become a plaster to mask what we are actually feeling. We should always try to validate how we feel because in that moment, it is real to us, and it is OK; we are wearing that feeling from our wardrobe, remember?

Practical ways to explore your feelings

Here are some simple practices that can help you understand and process your emotions:

• Be kind toward yourself. Remind yourself it is OK to not be OK. Take notice of what you need in the moment and remember that difficult moments will pass. We are resilient!
• Keep a journal. It can be a powerful tool to write and reflect on your feelings. It can help to find clarity, and other times to create some mental space.
• Write a letter. If you are angry, but you feel unable to speak to the person who has hurt you, you can write them a letter. You can decide what you do with that letter. Will you send it? Will you tear the letter apart? Will you burn the letter (health and safety rules to follow!), or keep it as a reminder of how you felt in that moment?
• Think of yourself like a plant. Ask yourself: “What does this plant need to blossom?”

But most of all: ask yourself what you need and treat yourself with kindness.

When therapy comes into play

It is OK to ask for help. Therapy can help you to understand where your feelings are coming from, and why it can feel so scary to wear your emotions. Therapy allows you to tell your story without judgment and helps you learn things about yourself. Therapy can empower you and help you find a way to navigate your life. You could become your own personal sat nav, wouldn’t that feel cool!